Wanting to know if anyone has similar experiences

[Guest grape38103]

I am pretty sure I feel alterous attraction to my friend. (alterous attraction is wanting to be close to someone, but not in a way that is entirely romantic or platonic)

I feel like I sort of want to date them because I want to be really important to them. They are dating someone right now and I feel like I want to be the person they are dating, but it doesn't exactly feel like romantic attraction.

I think I am fine with being friends instead of dating them. I love being friends with them. If they wanted to date me I would want to as well.

Does anyone have similar experiences to how I feel? I would like to know if anyone can relate to this.

[Glacier]

A little bit late but yes, I've felt this way before. There was a period of time where I thought I had a crush on one of my friends (who also had a partner) even though I knew I was aromantic. I just had this feeling of wanting to be important to that person and to care for them without it being romantic. They already knew I was aro so I just confessed to them in the best way I could, and funnily enough it turns out they felt the same way about me. However I'm romance-repulsed and wouldn't want to date this person so it might not be the exact same feeling you're describing.

[TheSpaceArrow]

28 minutes ago, Glacier said:

There was a period of time where I thought I had a crush on one of my friends (who also had a partner) even though I knew I was aromantic. I just had this feeling of wanting to be important to that person and to care for them without it being romantic.

story of my life

[oat flakes]

I feel like it has something to do with that notion that you want this friend to have you be their 'number one' person – the first to hear about their problems and achievements. And if believing that a romantic relationship is the only way to achieve this closeness, it might lead you to indirectly pressure yourself into wanting that kind of partnership.

 

But no idea what to do about that.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

I have felt alterous attraction in varying degrees when I was younger, and although I kind of experience it rarely now, I will feel it fluctuate with an international friend of mine sometimes. I love being a great friend to them, I wouldn't ever really change that at all, but one time they suggested we could enter a QPR even while they were dating someone at the time, and I entertained the idea for a good bit. I ultimately said that I like having no labels on the relationships I have (even calling people my friends feels restrictive) and they respected that.

Edited January 9 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[Guest astridu]

i definitely feel this!! for me, i have a friend who i feel extremely strong platonic feelings for and i've experienced wanting to date them solely because i wanted to be their "number one", and this probably happened in my past failed romantic relationships too >_< it's difficult being aro but experiencing alterous attraction, this post actually introduced me to the concept. had to google it, lol

[captainjulian]

this is something i definitely feel! there’s at least two friends who i want to have a queerplatonic relationship with but i initially thought i just wanted to be their partner, nope turns out i’m aro and i was just feeling alterous attraction to them lmao

[tiger_hoods12]

On 1/3/2025 at 1:42 PM, Guest grape38103 said:

I am pretty sure I feel alterous attraction to my friend. (alterous attraction is wanting to be close to someone, but not in a way that is entirely romantic or platonic)

I feel like I sort of want to date them because I want to be really important to them. They are dating someone right now and I feel like I want to be the person they are dating, but it doesn't exactly feel like romantic attraction.

I think I am fine with being friends instead of dating them. I love being friends with them. If they wanted to date me I would want to as well.

Does anyone have similar experiences to how I feel? I would like to know if anyone can relate to this.

Oh my god, yes!! I’ve been there completely! When I was in high school, I had a HUGE crush on this one guy. I didn’t know it at the time but I was definitely feeling alterous attraction towards him. I felt the same as you. I wanted to be close to him like really close friends or something, but at the same time, if he asked me out, I would genuinely be open to it. Even though I knew I was aromantic at the time. It was all very confusing for me. That’s why I was so relieved when I found the term “alterous attraction” because it perfectly defined my experience.

But I really get what you mean. You just want to be really close to them. With them all the time. You just want them near you 24/7. You wanna protect and care for them in whatever that means. It’s just like a desire to just BE with them. And you’re kind of comfortable with whatever way they want it. Whether it’s platonic or even a little romantic. Like you’re open to being in a relationship (whether it’s a qpr or romantic) because of how you feel.

I get the feeling of “sort of wanting to date them” as well. I had a very strong attraction towards this guy. This attraction was so strong, it was like used as a substitute for any lacking attraction that I had. It really drove the idea of potentially wanting or being in a relationship with them. It’s like a weird mix of like wanting to their friend but also wanting to be more. Like you’re comfortable with it being more because of the attraction. At least that’s what it was for me.😅 I really don’t know how else to describe it besides that.