So tired of always having to explain (vent)

[.CORALINE.]

I found out about my aromantic orientation in May and I'm already tired of the responsibility it gives me. I don't feel free to talk about my orientation with people that are not (or not yet) my close friends because every time I state "I am aromantic" then I have to explain what it means and people often don't even understand it. It's not only the fear to be invalidated (that's always here by the way) but above all the tiring process to explain and the risk to be misunderstood. Like, when a gay person says they're gay... that's it, everyone knows what gay means, nothing to add. We as aro always have to educate others even when we don't want to, we really can't be ourselves withougt giving a previous lesson and it's honestly becoming frustrating! I eventually choose to shut up and don't even talk about my orientation because I don't feel like being subjected to interrogation about my brain processes...

Edited December 19, 2024 by .CORALINE.

[A_Mess]

I totally get it. Sometimes all you want is to be honest and casually mention your orientation in conversation but it seems like it always needs to come with an educational lecture attached. But the last thing you want is to take over the conversation with that or risk being brushed off with the usual invalidating comments at the end, so it just ends up seeming like too much of a pain. Especially when it turns into you feeling the need to justify yourself like "yes it is a real thing" and then walking away at the end not knowing if they actually took you seriously or were just smiling and nodding to placate you.

I tend to just avoid mentioning it unless I'm explicitly asked a relevant question, then if they have follow-up questions I answer and it feels like it actually comes from a place of them wanting to learn more about me.

[.CORALINE.]

1 hour ago, A_Mess said:

I totally get it. Sometimes all you want is to be honest and casually mention your orientation in conversation but it seems like it always needs to come with an educational lecture attached. But the last thing you want is to take over the conversation with that or risk being brushed off with the usual invalidating comments at the end, so it just ends up seeming like too much of a pain. Especially when it turns into you feeling the need to justify yourself like "yes it is a real thing" and then walking away at the end not knowing if they actually took you seriously or were just smiling and nodding to placate you.

I tend to just avoid mentioning it unless I'm explicitly asked a relevant question, then if they have follow-up questions I answer and it feels like it actually comes from a place of them wanting to learn more about me.

EXACTLY, this is exactly how I feel!!

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

That is absolutely draining. I also done a decent share of low-key educating some people on what being aromantic meant, and usually that has been with friends and family who I have come out to and had wanted to explain it to them. I came out to two co-workers recently, and I didn't really explain what being aromantic meant to them; both of them are in the queer community, and although that doesn't always guarantee that they'll know what being aro is, they did have knowledge of the a-spec community and what being asexual was at least. I even talked about how aroace Sherlock Holmes is with one of them and they completely agreed with me.

I do just kind of drop that I'm aromantic sometimes, if even that, and leave it because I don't always have the energy to explain, especially when I'm at work.

We don't have to disclose our aromanticism if we don't want to, but whenever we come out to others we don't have to shoulder the lecture burden all the time (I know it's different if the person directly asks us what aromanticism means, but if they don't pry then that's that). If the individual is curious they can search it for themselves.

[tiger_hoods12]

Yeah, I get what you mean, but to be honest, I don’t really disclose to people that I am ace or aro. It just never comes up in conversations and on top of that, I don’t want to tell most people. I pretty private as it is and don’t really tell others unless I’m really close to them where I feel like I’m ready. However, again, I get what you mean. I have been forced to come out before and this is kind of one of the reasons why I don’t tell people anymore but also my friends rarely tried to educate themselves.
 

At the time, I really only knew that I was asexual but anytime I mentioned something remotely sexual I always got weird/shocked looks from my friends. Like they couldn’t believe what I just said considering that I was you know asexual. 🙄 This is different than what you were saying but it’s the lack of education in general. And it hurts when they are your friends and they don’t even try to understand you that much. I think about it now and it still frustrates me even though we all no longer talk to one another.

But having to explain who you are constantly is annoying. My friends also kept forgetting that I was ace on some occasions and I remember moments where we just sat there in awkward silence for a moment. Sometimes I’m envious of other people’s orientations because like you said people just get it. But for us, it’s like a coming out party to EVERY SINGLE PERSON you meet. But in the way you have to explain what it is AND justify how you are a part of the community. One of the many reasons I just keep to myself and don’t care. Again, I, in general, don’t really think about coming out to people that often. It just never on my mind or to do list when I meet someone new.

[.CORALINE.]

4 hours ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

That is absolutely draining. I also done a decent share of low-key educating some people on what being aromantic meant, and usually that has been with friends and family who I have come out to and had wanted to explain it to them. I came out to two co-workers recently, and I didn't really explain what being aromantic meant to them; both of them are in the queer community, and although that doesn't always guarantee that they'll know what being aro is, they did have knowledge of the a-spec community and what being asexual was at least. I even talked about how aroace Sherlock Holmes is with one of them and they completely agreed with me.

I do just kind of drop that I'm aromantic sometimes, if even that, and leave it because I don't always have the energy to explain, especially when I'm at work.

We don't have to disclose our aromanticism if we don't want to, but whenever we come out to others we don't have to shoulder the lecture burden all the time (I know it's different if the person directly asks us what aromanticism means, but if they don't pry then that's that). If the individual is curious they can search it for themselves.

You're right actually, it's probably my urge to be accepted and understood who speaks, especially when I'd like to keep a person in my life and I don't want to scare them! But at the end of the day maybe I shouldn't feel so anxious and treat my orientation as a big deal, I should just drop it in a normal conversation with nonchalance as you said! Maybe if we start normalize it, it eventually will become normal...?

I still feel nervous to talk about it to people who aren't into the queer culture btw, but let's take a first step!