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Does Anyone Else Occasionally Feel Like They Need To Find A Partner


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Guest Anonymous

General CW for heavy self-loathing vibes 
 

 

So, sometimes whenever I’m spiraling, there’s this voice in my head that tells me that I need a partner. It tells me that, even though I don’t want one, I should get one, and if I just stick it out for long enough, I’ll eventually enjoy having one. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because some part of me feels like getting a partner will prove I’m not a loser, but in the moment it’s just this voice telling me that I have to do it and I’ll feel better if I do. Luckily, I’ve avoided acting on it (ie asking out a friend that I know has a crush on me) thus far. Does anyone else experience this or is it just me? 

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I have experienced this to some extent. There were some self-loathing vibes that were a part of it but it was mostly my depression/apathy that made think this way. Before my depressive state, I did develop feelings for one of my classmates. I’m on the aromantic spectrum and when I experienced my crush for the first time, it was very intense feelings of emotional attraction. I almost became obsessed with him and when my depressive state hit, I obsessed over him more. Since he made me feel so connected and happy in a sense, I would always fantasy being in a relationship with him and even wanting to pursue one even though I didn’t really want one. I clearly formed an attachment toward him and I eventually learned what I was doing. I was creating a fantasy bond where I’d fantasize about him in order to keep the sad thoughts away. Thus, creating an unhealthy bond. I say unhealthy because, again, I was obsessed with him, but I didn’t even know him that well. It was bad. I knew it was too.

Self-loathing is never a reason to pursue someone. I knew that trying to pursue a relationship would only make things work for me. Because of my aromantic feelings but also emotional unavailability, it would cause all sorts of tension between me and him. He didn't deserve something like that. I also knew that getting into a relationship wouldn’t fix anything. I’d still have problems that no amount of love would fix. It’s like the bucket with a hole analogy. No matter how much water (love) you fill it with because of the hole, it’ll just spill out. As if none of it meant anything to you.

You’re probably feeling this for the same way I am. At least, in the sense where you could feel whole or better about yourself. I suggest you continue avoiding this recommendation, and just seek professional help to get you on the right track emotionally. Although outside support/love can help you get in the right direction, it’s better to rely on yourself for your own help.

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It’s just heavily ingrained and pressured societal expectations disturbingly echoing in your thoughts. It’s like when if someone has same-gender or same-sex feelings they might feel internalized homophobia and wish they didn’t feel the way they do, but now it’s amatonormativity for aros.

It’s uncomfortable to have those thoughts, and unfortunately, it’s normal to have those thoughts, even if we wished they were gone.

After all, we’re raised and living in this society’s expectations and pressures such as amatonormativity and cishet supremacy created to control us, to assign values of superiority and inferiority, and assigning guilt or shame for not following them, even though we know they are not values that are compatible for us.

It’s already good that you identified the intrusive thoughts, especially avoiding acting on them. But I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know how to eliminate the thoughts.

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Been there, and I actually gave in to the voice of "get a partner" in the exact same idea of "if I stick long enough I might like it" and here is what happend:

At this point, I was already suspecting I was Aro, but even then I wanted to "try" and this really nice and sweet guy that my family knows, wnated to ask me out; and my mom kind of pressure me to give it a try too.

At first everything was cute, he was my first ever boyfriend. He was my first kiss and stuff, and he tought it was cute that I was shy and stuff, he was very worried of scaring me away. 

But with time, things got... south. Like, we messaged each other through the day, we would go on dates (which led me to work a lot to fix my already busy schedule to see him) and he wanted to see me more, talk more. And trough all of that I couldnt help but think "this is it? We kiss, we hung out and stuff, but... that's it...?" Like I dont know what I was expecting, but I wasn't really excited to see him, talk to him, on the contrary: it started to be really stressful. As in, he wanted to see me more, so I had to work even harder to make time for him, but sometimes I would rather rest than see him. And being on the relationship started to feel more like a "chore" than something that I enjoyed, no matter how hard I tried. 

And belive me, he didnt make this ANY easy. He was super sweet, romantic, and cute, he even wrote a song about me! im sure this guy is the dream for someone out there. But not for me sadly

We broke up, and I still feel a little guilty of starting a relationship with him on the first place.

Im not saying to don't try, but be careful with that. Like, don't try it for the sake of it. I already went in enough weird dates to tell you is not that simple. 

If anything, at least seemed to be a thing for aros more than the people outside of this. Maybe get to know people, and after that maybe see if take it to the next step. Like the "date people you barely know" I don't think really works for people of this comunity. 

In any case, every time I consider "huh, maybe I would like to date this person" I ask myself: "are you willing to put the time, effort and the emotional stuff to be with this person?" And if the asnwer is no, I continue my way.

I personally find more value in friendship than in "romance" as in, a partner I think should be more of a "super duper best friend" that kiss and stuff.

 

Idk hope this helps

 

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