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Friendship or more?


Guest Anonymous

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Guest Anonymous

 So I met this girl last year. She is 26 years old, pretty, loving, confident and the kindest person I've ever met. Last year, she told me that she was aro/ace. We have been friends for a year, but I have romantic feelings for her. We act like a couple, and we are always together; we have lingering eye contact, we cuddle while we sleep, we go on week-long trips together, sometimes I find her "flirting" with me, we bicker like a couple, and everyone around us thinks we are either dating or that we would make a perfect couple, there is a high level of chemistry (at least that's what I think). I haven't told her that I identify as a lesbian yet, which is strange that I haven't because we spend a lot of time together, but I don't know why I don't tell her, and she doesn't know about my feelings towards her at least that what I think. We talked about her identity and sexuality openly, and she told me that she had felt things for people (mainly girls) before, but it was a strong feeling of friendship even though, at that time, she thought it was romantic love. I read books and researched aro/ace identity just so I could understand her better, but I have no idea what I should do in this situation, I am in this very deep, I deeply care for her, and I want her to be a part of my life, and I am scared to confess my feelings towards her because I don't want to make her feel awkward, but it gets hard for me at certain point especially when we are cuddly I blush, I feel the butterflies and it's difficult I don't know how to tackle this, I might be open to considering qpr if it's with her, please help me out.   

 
 
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You could ask her how she feels about romance. You could ask her if she’s romance-repulsed, romance-indifferent, or romance-positive. If she’s romance-positive or romance favorable, there could be a chance she could be open to a qpr or relationship in general. Before confessing, just check and see if she would be open to a relationship in general. Ace/aro people can still date and there is such a thing as oriented ace/aros. For example, gay oriented, bi oriented, or pan oriented ace/aros exist which is probably a similar feeling to what your friend described with past squishes of hers. Maybe! This is just what I would do then with this information given. I’d find this out first then maybe consider confessing. However, of course, just know not to rush things. She may need time to consider if she wants anything like that to begin with. Besides that, good luck. 👍🏾 

If you get a response that different than what you’re excepting, you may need to ask her how she wants the friendship dynamic to be. Particularly yours, since it seems “more than friends” at times. And ask if you’re comfortable with continuing that yourself. No on here wants you to feel led on or anything. 

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Guest Anonymous

Thank you for the answer. I appreciate it. Do you think I should come out to her first? Would that be helpful in this situation? i am pretty okay with coming out to her I am out to most of my friends here. 

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I agree with what @tiger_hoods12 said, but I want to add an addendum. If she isn’t comfortable with romance, you need to understand that confessing to her could be the end of any kind of relationship between the two of you. I’m romance and sex averse, and absolutely would not be comfortable around someone who felt sexual or romantic attraction to me. Not because of anything they’ve done wrong, it just makes me uneasy.

If I were you, I would not confess your feelings to her until you figure out how comfortable she is with knowing information like that.

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Guest Anonymous

Thank you so much for the input and advice, both of you. I will make sure to know how she feels about romance before confessing. If it makes her feel repulsed, I won't admit it. I plan on not confessing to her because things will get awkward. I don't want to make her feel uneasy, or I don't want to do anything that makes her feel even slightly uncomfortable around me, thank you for the heads up.

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