I lose attraction as soon as it is returned (and I don't feel good with it)

[Zuri]

Hi,

I'm new here and generally... in the dating world. I had two not very long lasting relationships and by now I'm actually quite scared of "falling in love" or at least having a crush and the correlating feelings.

Because as soon as they start to return these feelings or at least as soon as I notice that they also like me the same way I like them, my emotions start fading in the time span of a few weeks. But the first "fade" phase already takes place at the same day or one day after that., when they say clearly, that they return my feelings. At the next day I all this menacing and hot feelings, all this adrenalin and endorphins are numbed for a couple of hours. And then it just get's worse and worse, until the point where it is just stress being with that person.

I don't know if it was maybe just because these were just not the right persons to have feelings for and it was very often said to me, that the persons I had relationships were not the nicest. 

Also I have ADHD, Autism and Depression.

Well at the end, I don't want to lose these feelings and maybe it was good I lost my feelings for the said persons. But I am really scared that it happens again, with someone who is really worth it and who doesn't deserve a sudden... disinterest... 

And I'm so unsure, if I am on the Aro Spectrum, or maybe just influences by the individual circumstances. Which is amplified by all this complex and exhausting social behaviour.

I hope I'm at the right place with my questions and that some of you have advice or ideas, theories.

 

xoxo

Zuri

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Hello Zuri, you're at the right place with these questions! And I'm sorry for my response being quite long.

I sadly may not have a whole bunch of advice, or advice that may work for you, but I still relate with what you're going through, albeit in my own personal way.

The past "crushes" I experienced when I was younger was me actually experiencing alterous attraction (I didn't know this at the time ofc), but I would form these strong emotions and the desire for some attachment and companionship with the individual I "fancied," but once I noticed that they probably liked me back, those feelings and wants would fade away; but for me personally, I wouldn't exactly mind that happening, since I would realize very suddenly that I did not want them to like me back like that at all. Before I found out I was aro, I was actually fine with not dating or why I was the way I was, despite being curious as to why I hadn't been experiencing a "crush" for years (since, at some point, my alterous attraction just stopped happening out of nowhere and I still don't really experience it anymore, if at all), and this caused me to try to look into it. I at first labeled my lack of having a crush, or my anxiety for people liking me romantically, as "commitment issues" (despite not having anyone I was romantically committed to??) or as me being afraid of romantic relationships, and as I scoured the internet for answers I came upon aromanticism. I didn't have a "clicking moment" with the label, I simply went, "Ah, well, that's cool," and didn't question the very suspicious feeling of being seen by the label; Hell, one time I thought, "I wish I could be aromantic" 💀. After a long time of running around myself like a clown in a circus (compliment), and after finding I was queer in other ways, I finally came to the realization that I was aromantic - and I lost my mind. It's not like I felt like other people being aromantic was a bad thing, but I absolutely was not having it with me being aromantic, and yet that is what I am. After giving myself some time to "grieve" the romantic future I thought I would have someday-but-not-right-now-no-definitely-not, I finally let myself dive into the aro community, experiment with a few labels, and then finally just go by aromantic.

I'm saying all of this, not because I think what you're going through makes you automatically and inherently arospec, though there are some experiences similar to this in our community, but instead I'm simply stating how I relate to your situation and how I got through it.

If you want to - you could look into all of the avenues in the aro community, or outside of it if you think this could be something else, but what I did was give myself time to just think over what I was experiencing, without doing a complete deep-dive too suddenly. Then, as I was researching into if what I was going through was indeed an aro thing, I let myself go through whatever emotions I felt and whatever thoughts came to mind. Not a lot of recently realized aros internalize this part, but it's alright to be upset, or to be sad, or to be confused, or to think "Is being aromantic, or this specific aro identity, even real?" even if the thought may make you feel bad for thinking it. It's alright to feel like you're "missing out" or that you won't get the romantic life, or the right person, you want. It's alright to feel these things, simply because some people will experience them, despite the fact that you can absolutely be happy without those things, or form relationships that may not fit into certain boxes. It's really hard to internalize happiness separate from romantic love/relationships, and it's normal to feel the struggle in that, because it's no one's fault that it's there in the first place; just like how it's no one's fault to feel the feelings listed above. Some of us aros have gone through a degree of internalized arophobia, but one can also go through that without being aromantic.

I wish I had something else to give you, but all I can really tack on is that at the end of the day, there are people who relate to you, aro or not, and that whatever conclusion you reach is absolutely valid, deserving of respect, and deserving of understanding.

Edited September 26 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[Duck The Guy]

it sounds like you may be frayromantic! you can read the definition here as well as a bunch of other identities to see if anything else suits you better :)