Someone read my discord bio (+1 crisis?)

[Needlemouse]

They said "Oh you're aroace?" and said something along the lines of how I don't have to use tone tags like /p and /r (platonic and romantic tone tags) to tell them in what context I mean when I say something. God, that was refreshing. It's refreshing having someone not hit on me, whether seriously or jokingly, and not have to ask whether I meant that platonically or romantically, for the first time in my life. I want people to not hit on me a lot more. I kinda actually like that tremendously, 100%. I, for the first time in my life, enjoy being seen as "just a friend," or "not a date-able option/person" without hating it due to amatonormativity. I'm not even a black stripe aromantic, but am on the aromantic spectrum. God, I'd get down on my hands and my knees for this to happen all the time. (For context: aroace-spec was in my bio).

 

I don't feel like I should be feeling this good, and that's due to my insecurity around my aro-spec identity, and since I'm dating my boyfriend.

 

We're both at different paces in the relationship, and God forbid how I know he's "the one," when I never believed in there being a "the one" before. I feel like I'm just going to make people assume that aromantics haven't "found the right one yet" more, and I hate that. I'm doubting if my attraction to my boyfriend is romantic yet again, and if it's romantic or queerplatonic. I feel strongly for him, yes I do. I love him. I don't love him sexually and that's fine. I could go without anything sexual in the relationship. I have these moments where I doubt if I actually love him romantically or not, just like with other people I've felt strongly for. I've wanted to get married to him, yes. I want to marry him. I want to kiss him, and cuddle with him, and stereotypical romantic stuff, which I'd usually cringe at. I say deep, yet romantic things to him, I confide in him. We talk about deep stuff, and we're comfortable and trusting about opening up to each other. We have a good relationship. I still can't think of our relationship as anything else, but romantic. However, I worry that my attraction isn't as strong as his attraction to me is. He clearly feels a hell of a lot stronger than I do still, and thinks about me all the time, and even has dreams of me, and draws me, and everything. When I reflect he's a special person to me, but I can still view him as like a friend to me or something. When I think of my feelings, I can't hardly think of any words that describe my feelings, because they don't seem all that intense as they were the first two months into our relationship. I can't tell if it's me suppressing things or not, because I suppressed God knows how much shit. I still feel like a misfit amongst alloromantic people, and I find myself envying other couples, and wishing "I had what they had," and I "had the love they have." I feel like somethings wrong with me, and it feels like I'm missing some "essential" thing that other people have in love and attraction, and I can't tell what it is. I've always felt different from peers when it came to attraction. Romantic media makes me feel isolated and different, because in the end I feel like I "don't have what they have," and "don't have the love they have." And I remember a while back when people suggested I could be aromantic, or greyromantic, or cupioromantic, and how I got super upset because I felt like I couldn't not feel romantic love. It was amatonormativity making me feel like romantic attraction was super important. I freaked out at that thought of not experiencing that attraction. I know I identify as demiromantic, but does anyone know what's wrong with me?

[Needlemouse]

All in all it's probably a stupid thing and I shouldn't be having a crisis.