HELP???

[Guest Rrrr.]

Hi! I constantly change my labels so I decided just not to use any, but I have been writing romance again, and whenever I do that I get thinking lol. I had a bad experience with a friend confessing to me at a bad time when I hadn't slept. I mentioned to a friend that I might like them and would probably say yes if they asked me out, but I wasn't ready to have that conversation yet as I prefer at least 5+ years of friendship with someone before I even think about romance.  After they confessed, they said I love you the first night and kissed me-- also was affectionate in front of all my friends at a surprise party. I got very ill and uncomfortable and we talked/ decided to just be friends after. I also don't mind casual flirting or goofing like that. I've had romantic thoughts about another woman for a long time since I was young. I actually asked her out and was excited but anxious about that in high school, but when she decided she wasn't ready for a relationship I did not feel that upset. I did continue to think about her almost daily for years into the future and, embarrassingly I still do today, but I don't intend to say anything about it as I know she has her own issues and I value her friendship just as much as anything. I also worry I will become panicked again if my feelings are reciprocated, even if I know id trust her with my life. Am I lithromantic? Or do I just dislike PDA and have a few specific boundaries/prefer to take it slow? I do not really get crushes on strangers, though I've found a few boys cute I've never felt the need to ask them out. She's the only person I actually wanted a relationship with, other than the friend who I did sort of want to pursue something with until that night. I find this all difficult to process! I used to identify as Ace too, but I did realize I tend to take phrases very literally. I don't "swoon", I don't seek out sex and I thought "Butterflies" meant literal flapping feelings. I get anxious often (I have anxiety and adhd) so I struggle to rationalize my feelings. I often dream of marrying, but I like my solitude too. What to think?