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Cereal Tendencies

Aromantic Confessions

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I confess that I've lied a couple of times to people because I was tired of having to explain my single-ness every time

 

I remember telling a girl in my batch that I had a manipulative ex back in high school who turned me off on the idea of dating, even though I've never dated lol

 

I feel bad because she believed me though :/

 

Does anyone else have similar aro experiences to share?

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this belongs here or in arcade because the topic itself may veer into serious territory or may end up being silly lol

Please mod accordingly :3

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Three years ago my mom kind of pushed me to ask this one girl out that I knew and we went on one date before she decided that she was done with me.  The religion I was part of before becoming atheist (Mormonism) teaches that marriage is basicly the key to eternal happiness so in my youth group it was rather shameful to have never dated, having that one date under my belt meant that I was no longer among the ranks of those who had never dated and I was glad to have that out of the way.  I used it as evidence that I was making progress in that area even though I was mostly just stalling because I quite enjoy being single.  That was before I even knew that I was aromantic and asexual.

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The first guy I dated I had zero feelings for (romantic or platonic) and only dated him to get the whole "you won't know until you try" scepticism out of my life.

 

Every time someone asked me how great it was to be in a relationship and I said yes was a complete lie.

 

The other week my 13 year old friend on Miitomo was gushing about her boyfriend and I said I was happy for her. Honestly, hearing her talk about how he's started puberty made me want to gag a little.

 

The other day my 9 year old second cousin asked me if I had a boyfriend and I just said no while listening to her ramble on about her "long distance relationship" because I didn't think it was worth the effort coming out to a 9 year old.

 

This is just the first few things that came to mind, I'm sure there's way more.

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1 hour ago, aussiekirkland said:

Honestly, hearing her talk about how he's started puberty made me want to gag a little.

Ew! Who does that? How can someone gush about puberty? xD

 

Also how in the world did your 9 year old cousin manage to find herself a long-distance boyfriend?

 

Kids these days 9_9

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2 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

The other week my 13 year old friend on Miitomo was gushing about her boyfriend and I said I was happy for her. Honestly, hearing her talk about how he's started puberty made me want to gag a little.

 

The other day my 9 year old second cousin asked me if I had a boyfriend and I just said no while listening to her ramble on about her "long distance relationship" because I didn't think it was worth the effort coming out to a 9 year old.

 

This is just the first few things that came to mind, I'm sure there's way more.

I've been known to compare alloromantics with squeeing fangirls :)

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I once said yes to a friend who wanted a "no labels" relationship with me and refused to even meet up with him once, after that (it was via chat, even though we didn't live that far apart).
 
I felt like I just had to say yes because of the whole "you've got to date someone eventually"-stuff and "no labels" sounded better than "definitely in love with me", but I seriously didn't want to see him at all. And I liked the guy as a friend! Fortunately, I had real life excuses, because I needed to prepare for and go to interviews for art colleges at the time. I also told my best friend about it and she strongly opposed (she is demi-sexual/romantic), so I just internalized every excuse she gave me. 
After returning from one of my interviews I immediately broke it off again, saying I really had no time for a relationship right now and anyway I'd probably be moving soon. 

I didn't know I was aro back than, but I did know that none of my excuses were really "THE problem", I just made them up so I'd have reasons to refuse, when really there were none at all.

We talked it out way later and we're good now. Turns out he really loved me and just thought I'd be more receptive to the "no labels" thing and I could make peace with myself for saying "yes" in the first place and leading him on, even if it wasn't my intention...

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I took a guy home from a bar one night explicitly for sex. No other reason. He even started annoying me with his talk during sex, and I slapped my hand over his mouth and literally said "just shut the fuck up." 

 

And he was twice my age. 

 

Not the only time I've had casual sex, but that was probably the most aro shit I've ever done. 

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Oh I just remembered another one!

 

I was on the bus one time and the guy sitting next to me decided to strike up a conversation, asking me my name, what I studied, etc and trying to get to know me

I was in a good mood so I continued the conversation, completely oblivious to the fact that he was hitting on me lol

 

It wasn't until he asked for my number that things got really awkward, and because we were getting close to my stop and I just couldn't bring myself to say "no" without sounding rude about it, I just gave it to him right before I got off, and then immediately blocked his number when I was sure he couldn't see me

 

It was such a cringe moment >_<

 

4 hours ago, LunarSeas said:

and I slapped my hand over his mouth and literally said "just shut the fuck up." 

 

xD Savage af!

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Whenever someone tells me they just got a partner, I really couldn't care less. If anything, I'll just say something like oh cool, and then hope it moves on. If it doesn't, I'm sitting there being somewhat confused, couldn't care less and hoping it'll end soon.

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22 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

Ew! Who does that? How can someone gush about puberty? xD

 

Also how in the world did your 9 year old cousin manage to find herself a long-distance boyfriend?

 

Kids these days 9_9

 

My thoughts exactly!

 

He goes to their sister school in Indonesia and came to visit her school once. She still thinks they're a thing :rofl:

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5 hours ago, LunarSeas said:

I took a guy home from a bar one night explicitly for sex. No other reason. He even started annoying me with his talk during sex, and I slapped my hand over his mouth and literally said "just shut the fuck up."

I've encountered people saying that part of a "one night stand" involves role playing being "in a relationship". To at least some allo/allos romance appears akin to a sexual fetish.

 

1 hour ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

I was on the bus one time and the guy sitting next to me decided to strike up a conversation, asking me my name, what I studied, etc and trying to get to know me

I was in a good mood so I continued the conversation, completely oblivious to the fact that he was hitting on me lol

 

It wasn't until he asked for my number that things got really awkward, and because we were getting close to my stop and I just couldn't bring myself to say "no" without sounding rude about it, I just gave it to him right before I got off, and then immediately blocked his number when I was sure he couldn't see me

The romantic concept of "chatting up" is rather weird and creepy. As well as involving things like hinting, reading between the lines, ambiguious meanings, etc which many people find difficult.
On the other hand it's often considered very rude for someone to directly express sexual or sensual interest. (Especially a man to a woman.)

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I feel silly talking about wanting a QPP or using any kind of aro jargon irl. Its just so frustrating to choose between not telling the full truth and not being taken seriously.

 

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5 hours ago, Mark said:

The romantic concept of "chatting up" is rather weird and creepy. As well as involving things like hinting, reading between the lines, ambiguious meanings, etc which many people find difficult.

 

Hmm. Romantic interactions in general seem to involve a lot of this subtext. This makes it a real challenge if you're seeking something akin to a sexual friendship, when:

  1. Romantic interactions are seen as the exclusive gateway to any sort of sexual relationship
  2. Subtext is seen as an important and necessary aspect of romantic interactions.
  3. You personally aren't very good at reading into (or broadcasting) 'subtext' in the context of interpersonal interactions anyway.
  4. The social consensus is, apparently, that there is a hard dichotomy between 'Platonic' friendships on the one hand and romantic, sexual relationships on the other (with strictly no intermingling of components from either side of the dichotomy).

It's a trap! I could try an activity like dating (would that be incredibly dishonest? Is 'aromantic dating' an oxymoron?) but then 2 and 3 would probably bite me in the ass, as dating is 'romantic', right? (well, I could try communicating my extremely non-normative expectations subtextually, given that that's the expected interaction dynamic here, but how the hell would that even work? y'know, given that people cannot read one another's minds... doesn't 'subtext' here tend to just imply 'default to socially normative behavior'?). Then again, I could try an alternative route through the morass; make friends with the aim of it developing into a sexual friendship. But then 4 will probably screw that up instead. O.o

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2 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

I feel silly talking about wanting a QPP or using any kind of aro jargon irl. Its just so frustrating to choose between not telling the full truth and not being taken seriously.

 

saaaaaaaaaaaaame

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I confess that when re-watching The Hobbit: Battle of 5 Armies last night and I saw Tauriel crying over Kili's corpse I wanted to jump into the screen and slap her in the face with a fish. Not only is her character useless but the whole relationship is horribly done. 

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Even though I find I fit the aro spec more each day, I hesitate to call myself aromantic because I'm such a complete NERD for the romantic era poets and it's not exactly the same thing BUT WHY IS LANGUAGE HARD.

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3 minutes ago, LunarSeas said:

Even though I find I fit the aro spec more each day, I hesitate to call myself aromantic because I'm such a complete NERD for the romantic era poets and it's not exactly the same thing BUT WHY IS LANGUAGE HARD.

 

Aromantic just means lack of romantic attraction, it doesn't mean you can't like/enjoy the concept of romance

 

I identify as aromantic because I've never experienced a crush or "fell" for anyone (seriously why are such painful words used to describe romantic love? I don't want to fall thank you, and I don't want to crush anyone lol)

 

I also enjoy watching/ reading romance, just as long as none of that lovey-doveyness is directed towards me xD

 

I hope this helps, even though you don't need to label yourself if you're having a hard time doing so, IMO :icecream:

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4 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

I feel silly talking about wanting a QPP or using any kind of aro jargon irl. Its just so frustrating to choose between not telling the full truth and not being taken seriously.

I'm not sure that there is a simple answer here.
How do you translate things into "allo speak"?

Terms like "non platonic" or "non romantic" are likely to be just as confusing as "queer platonic".
Terms like "FWB" or "sexual friend" are likely to be misinterpreted as "sex only".

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1 hour ago, Mark said:

I'm not sure that there is a simple answer here.
How do you translate things into "allo speak"?

Terms like "non platonic" or "non romantic" are likely to be just as confusing as "queer platonic".
Terms like "FWB" or "sexual friend" are likely to be misinterpreted as "sex only".

 

Oh yes, the euphemism dance.

I guess its not just translating, but also dodging the negative stereotypes.

Its kind of like the Activity board game, you have to descirbe the thing without saying the word...but you have also other taboo sentences.

 

"Not looking for a relationship"

"Its complicated, just ask me if you wanna know"

"you make such a great FRIEND"

 

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2 hours ago, Mark said:
2 hours ago, Mark said:
  6 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

I feel silly talking about wanting a QPP or using any kind of aro jargon irl. Its just so frustrating to choose between not telling the full truth and not being taken seriously.

I'm not sure that there is a simple answer here.
How do you translate things into "allo speak"?

Terms like "non platonic" or "non romantic" are likely to be just as confusing as "queer platonic".
Terms like "FWB" or "sexual friend" are likely to be misinterpreted as "sex only".

I've been calling my QPP my brother when referring to him around other people, because we've been close enough friends to consider ourselves siblings since long before either of us knew about the existence of QPRs. Makes it kind of confusing and needs clarification when I mention things like his family and it's clear that it's not my family, or how people kept on shipping us in high school, but I personally feel like it's easier to say "he's my brother whom I'm not actually related to" than to go through the entirety of Queerplatonic 101.

 

2 hours ago, LunarSeas said:

Even though I find I fit the aro spec more each day, I hesitate to call myself aromantic because I'm such a complete NERD for the romantic era poets and it's not exactly the same thing BUT WHY IS LANGUAGE HARD.

I have a similar problem with Romantic-era composers, even though I've vehemently and aggressively identified as aro ever since I found out the term existed.

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2 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Its kind of like the Activity board game, you have to descirbe the thing without saying the word...but you have also other taboo sentences.

 That's the most accurate description I've ever heard :rofl: That's exactly how it feels.

"I'm.... not into men..."
"She's just very important to me as a person."
"I'm sorry I can't see you in that way."

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When I was younger (and not even close to discovering my orientation) I was friends with this really awesome boy. Since I thought I had to get married one day I was like 'Yep, I will marry this guy when I'm older. He will be a perfect roommate.'

 

I moved away before I had the chance to let that slip, which is probably for the best xD

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13 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

I feel silly talking about wanting a QPP or using any kind of aro jargon irl. Its just so frustrating to choose between not telling the full truth and not being taken seriously.

 

THIS. I'm so tentative to use any sort of aro related terms or jokes offline even to my most supportive friends, because I'm always afraid they won't understand! :P

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When I was a teenager I dated a guy for almost a year and lied to him about being in love with him. We had just dated so long I felt that I should be in love with him. I liked a lot about our relationship and I was curious about sex and felt a real pressure that I should do it before I got too old. It all seems rather crazy to me now :D But I don't regret it really because I learned a lot about myself, even though I didn't realize that until much later.

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Sometimes I feel like my non-interest in romance is an extension of a more general non-interest in other people.

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