why do i feel like im “missing out”?

[Anonymous]

lately i’ve been having a lot of anxiety over the fact that i feel like i’m missing out on any sort of relationship stuff that my friends all say is amazing and great. i know im aromantic, but for some reason i still feel like i’m missing out on a huge part of life and i don’t know why. does anyone have any idea why this might be?

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Other people have said this, but society (at least as far as I know from living in a Western society) have a very obsessed view, belief, and borderline assumption that romantic love is what makes someone not only fulfilled in life, but human; I see a lot of non-queer people have this view, but so do quite a few allo queer people. We know that this isn't true, and it's a very damaging thing to think about; that we all need someone romantically to make us feel whole, or not left out, or to fix us. This can drive us to do things or put ourselves in situations that can be - at best, just uncomfortable, and at worst, traumatizing.

All of this is rooted in amatonormativity, but where amatonormativity stems from is most likely from the Christian belief that the love of Christians (or love towards the God Christians worship) is the most "purest" form of love, and some Christians will deem anyone who: practices a different religion, or is spiritual or atheist; is divorced or is heterosexually married but practices sex that is considered "deviant"; someone who's queer or polyamorous; and in other Christian demonations they'll even lump in people of color, as not being capable of feeling that "pure love." And they'll do this subconsciously and unconsciously; something seen as just "fact" much like the belief that "everyone falls in love" is practically seen as fact. Hell, everything I just listed were the groups of people that were targeted in the beginning of the colonization of America, to modern day. I know this sounds targeting or archaic, and I don't mean to be singling out Christianity since it's always singled out, but damn it, this shit is still prevalent - where we took that Christian assumption, and transformed it into a different but still loosely connected thing; amatonormativity.

Edited September 1 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Don’t even worry about it. I mean, one of the most amazing and fulfilling parts of my life is pirating mid video games from like 20 years ago, but most people would look at me strangely if I said they’re missing out on a vital human experience by not playing Princess and the Pauper on the GameBoy Advance lol. Not everything people like is for everyone else, and that’s fine!

[Mult]

Maybe you are missing something but you're just associating that with the romantic relationships other people have. Maybe you just need more human connection. Nowadays people are very isolated from each other physically and spend most of there time online. Personally I cannot sustain myself on purely digital interactions, so I get my social connection from family and friends. I don't know you or your life, but maybe you're just feeling a bit lonely and should connect with people in real life more: hang out with friends or join a hobby group.

If you're not feeling lonely then I dunno what it could be besides "FOMO" (fear of missing out). I don't want any intimate relationship at all, so I personally don't feel like I'm missing out on romance. People constantly try to tell me how I'll regret not marrying or having kids, blah blah blah, so maybe they're bothering you too. I'm not going to make myself miserable to satisfy other people's expectations of my life.

[Qiri]

I think anyone can suffer FOMO about anything, especially if you have many people around you telling you how supposedly great something is.

I think Mult has a good point as well - do you think you may be feeling like you're missing something not necessarily romantic, but something that happens in romantic relationships? Like having a good friend to confide in? To hang out with? 

[TheSpaceArrow]

You were probably raised to see love and marriage as the most important point in your life, like many of us were. So many movies and tv shows are about someone who's insecure about not dating anyone and then finally finding "the one" at the very end. It's your classic happily-ever-after ending. Everyone thinks getting into a relationship is some sort of "rite of passage" that officially confirms that you are now MatureTM. Depending on your age, adults pester you about getting married and having kids, especially if you're a woman.

People find passion in different things. Some seem to find passion in their lives from romantic relationships. Others find them from hobbies, or their careers, or the friends they make (and before you say "but allos have hobbies and careers and friends too!", you don't know the number of people out there who are willing to sacrifice these things for a romantic relationship. I've literally lost friends because of this). Live your life to the fullest. If that includes a romantic partner, great. If it doesn't, great. 

[Anonymous]

On 8/13/2024 at 7:09 PM, TheSpaceArrow said:

You were probably raised to see love and marriage as the most important point in your life, like many of us were. So many movies and tv shows are about someone who's insecure about not dating anyone and then finally finding "the one" at the very end. It's your classic happily-ever-after ending. Everyone thinks getting into a relationship is some sort of "rite of passage" that officially confirms that you are now MatureTM. Depending on your age, adults pester you about getting married and having kids, especially if you're a woman.

People find passion in different things. Some seem to find passion in their lives from romantic relationships. Others find them from hobbies, or their careers, or the friends they make (and before you say "but allos have hobbies and careers and friends too!", you don't know the number of people out there who are willing to sacrifice these things for a romantic relationship. I've literally lost friends because of this). Live your life to the fullest. If that includes a romantic partner, great. If it doesn't, great. 

that’s really helpful, thanks. i was definitely raised under the idea of “you’re gonna get married and have kids and it’s gonna be great!” but i have never wanted that. i really appreciate the answer as it makes sense to me. again, thanks!

[Anonymous]

On 8/13/2024 at 3:56 PM, Qiri said:

I think anyone can suffer FOMO about anything, especially if you have many people around you telling you how supposedly great something is.

I think Mult has a good point as well - do you think you may be feeling like you're missing something not necessarily romantic, but something that happens in romantic relationships? Like having a good friend to confide in? To hang out with? 

i definitely feel as if i am missing out on something, even if i don’t know what yet. thanks for the answer, it’s definitely helped!

[Anonymous]

When our society is built around one of the major life goals being (supposedly romantically) married, so much so that its a legal document that affects taxes, health care, finances, buying a home, etc, etc, it's difficult to not get swept up in the idea that you have to have a romantic partner. Usually one that is monogamous and hetero.

It is apart of everything. Society, media, advertisement. Everything. It's difficult to get away for allo/amatonormativity.

Being single is the worst thing normative society can thing of. So they think aros are sad and constantly tell aros that we're sad and when you hear it over and over and over again it's difficult not to think that maybe you are sad. Maybe you are missing out.

I get it, my aromantism was the most difficult internalized phobia I had to get through. While most of my other identities when I learned about them I thought "oh hey that sounds good, lemme try that on for size", I was really reluctant to admit I was aro. Shoving away the idea when I was told I was experiencing romantic repulsion, and even when I realized I was aro, it took a while to accept that. And I think that's because romance is so within our society it felt impossible.

It's difficult and tricky, and I believe the best thing for you is to reach out to aro communities and find people like you who understand. And this is that. Good job.