I think I’m greyromantic but I’m not sure

[Spoodz]

Quite a lot of text ahead!!  

 

So I’ve had a few “crushes” throughout my life and I know 1 or 2 of them were kinda romantic but I think the rest were just intense squishes and other attractions. I’m not 100% sure about any of them know so I wanted to ask here to see what anyone else thinks. 
 

The first crush I can remember was just me listening to music and all the songs I heard were about falling in love or having a crush, so I just thought “Maybe I should get a crush too” and I said to myself I’ll crush on this person (literally the only girl I knew of) however this particular girl is someone I used to be friends with, however am no longer friends with her, so I think my “crush” was more of a desire to be friends with her again. I did have a lot of fantasies with her in them however they were mainly just me kinda liking her and her also secretly liking me, we’d end up becoming friends and then we ended up kissing, then the fantasy would stop there and go no further.
 

The next crush I remember was on this other girl who was very nice to me and I thought she was really cool. I told my friend about her and he basically told me I had a crush on her and I just assumed that I did. I think what I was feeling was just a strong aesthetic attraction which I mistook for romantic feelings. I think I did end up having some romantic feelings in the end however through the entire time I was crushing on her the actual thought of asking her out and being in a relationship with her REALLY scared me and just didn’t appeal to me at all.  I didn't actually want a relationship with her, i just wanted her to really like me and view me as special as I viewed her. 

The next crush I had was because this girl who I was pretty good friends with started to message me all the time, like a lot more than normal and I thought she probably liked me. I told my friends about it and they were like “She definitely likes you” Then she started flirting with me over text while I was with my friends and I ended up getting so scared by it I had a panic attack 😂😂 my friend had to talk to her for me cause I was a complete mess. I was aesthetically and alterousally attracted to her tho so I just straight up asked her one night if she had been flirting with me and if she did like me. She said she did and I said I liked her too and it was pretty cool having someone who actually really liked me. I was kinda excited but also very nervous so I asked if we could wait a bit before making it official (by a bit I mean a couple of months 💀) she ended up making things official the next weekend. I was with my friends when it happened and they were all like “ooooo you have a girlfriend” and I was really uncomfortable with it, like the idea of being someone’s boyfriend and actually officially having a gf really scared me but I went along with it anyway. We ended up dating for around a month and I grew to quite like it and I’m pretty sure I devolved some romantic feelings for her too so I was really sad when she broke up with me. But the reason I think I started to really like her so much is because around two weeks into the relationship, my best friends turned really toxic on me and I fell out with them. She was the next closest and most important person to me after them so I think after losing my friends, I grew really attached to her and that's why I was so sad when she broke up with me. I got over it in like a month or two though and any other interest I’ve had in anyone since has just been a mixture or aesthetic/sensual/sexual and alterous attraction. So I’m thinking I might be greyromantic, and I know I’m the only one who can decide it but I just wanted to see if anyone else had any similar experiences to me 

[Peggy]

You can use whatever label you think fits you! I know it's usually confusing, but you do ultimately know your own feelings best.

As someone who is grayromantic, this does sound somewhat similar to my experience. I came up with my first 'crush' because my friend told me who she had a crush on and then asked if I had a crush on anyone, and my brain just chose a random guy in my grade. Then, the next year, I thought I actually got a crush because there was a guy I really liked talking to, but to this day, I can't tell if that was platonic or romantic attraction, because I had no desire to actually like date him, but also when I found out another girl liked him, I got really jealous and started disliking her. But after that is when I started identifying as grayromantic. Then finally I actually did get a crush that I'm certain is a crush in just this past year, so that's been weird but yeah, we all have different experiences and can all decide our own labels!! 

[Spoodz]

7 hours ago, Peggy said:

You can use whatever label you think fits you! I know it's usually confusing, but you do ultimately know your own feelings best.

As someone who is grayromantic, this does sound somewhat similar to my experience. I came up with my first 'crush' because my friend told me who she had a crush on and then asked if I had a crush on anyone, and my brain just chose a random guy in my grade. Then, the next year, I thought I actually got a crush because there was a guy I really liked talking to, but to this day, I can't tell if that was platonic or romantic attraction, because I had no desire to actually like date him, but also when I found out another girl liked him, I got really jealous and started disliking her. But after that is when I started identifying as grayromantic. Then finally I actually did get a crush that I'm certain is a crush in just this past year, so that's been weird but yeah, we all have different experiences and can all decide our own labels!! 

Ahhh thank you! I’ve managed to find out that my first ever crush I had was just a REALLY intense squish. Like I really wanted to be special in her life but not necessarily romantically  

 

I’ve also felt like that for people, I think they’re really pretty and I really like them as a person and I’ll get jealous when they start being interested in someone else, but at the same time I don’t actually feel comfortable with dating them. Thank you for your response tho!! It’s really relatable. 

[tiger_hoods12]

Fellow greyromantic here! Based off of what you said I, personally, would say you are greyromantic. Your experiences are very similar to my own. The uncertainty and the confusion are SO relatable for many I bet!

When I was in 8th grade, I had previously identified as ace/aro, but then I had met this boy who ended up having a “crush” on. I say “crush” because while I was experiencing these feelings I had came across these different terms such as squishes, emotional attraction, aesthetic attraction, greyromanticism, demiromanticism, and so on. All of which confused me. I had experienced a very strong emotional attraction towards and I confused that with romantic attraction. Like you, I was also hesitant on the idea of dating him. In fact, I didn’t want to date him. I hated how he made me feel especially when I was already so certain that I was aromantic. After a couple months of crushing on him, I had found the term squishes which made me wonder if I was only into him on a platonic level. Which made sense because there was a part of me that REALLY wanted to get to know him better and become. But what confused me was, at the time, I had actually started to fantasize us being in a relationship and kind of liking the idea. WHICH, BY THE WAY, SHOCKED ME! I felt like I just kept falling down some rabbit hole. It throw me into a three year process of trying to figure myself, my feelings, and romantic orientation. I identify as greyromantic now because it’s the most fitting me for, but even to this day I wonder if I even really experienced romantic attraction towards him. Or if it was just A REALLY STRONG squish with some alterous attraction tied into it. And that was like the only crush I have ever had so can’t really compare it to any other experience I’ve had which only adds to my confusion. 😑

A lot about your story is actually very relatable for me. I had a crush on this guy for a long time, like all throughout high school even. And I know I hadn’t had romantic feelings for him, but I attached the idea of him and what he represented for so long and strongly because I had also broken up with a toxic friend and was going through a lot of emotional trauma due to problems of my home life. It’s sad but he was like my only positive outlook that I would dwell on for hours. Towards my senior year I got over him. It might have started as a crush but definitely ended as an attachment. I know for a fact though that if he tried to pursue me, I wouldn’t have like it and the thought of us together would have made me feel pretty uncomfortable. Being called someone girlfriend and calling him my boyfriend like 😖. But I don’t know, now I have very complicated feelings towards romance. Maybe I would have gotten used to it after a while, but it doesn’t matter cause none of that happened.

That was just my story added onto my own personal opinion that yeah, you are greyromantic. Very similar feelings and experiences were said here that I think many other greyromantics can relate to. But again, like you said, you are the only one who can decide your orientation if you choose to label it. I wish you luck trying to figure that out. 🙌🏾

[Spoodz]

On 8/14/2024 at 3:36 PM, tiger_hoods12 said:

Fellow greyromantic here! Based off of what you said I, personally, would say you are greyromantic. Your experiences are very similar to my own. The uncertainty and the confusion are SO relatable for many I bet!

When I was in 8th grade, I had previously identified as ace/aro, but then I had met this boy who ended up having a “crush” on. I say “crush” because while I was experiencing these feelings I had came across these different terms such as squishes, emotional attraction, aesthetic attraction, greyromanticism, demiromanticism, and so on. All of which confused me. I had experienced a very strong emotional attraction towards and I confused that with romantic attraction. Like you, I was also hesitant on the idea of dating him. In fact, I didn’t want to date him. I hated how he made me feel especially when I was already so certain that I was aromantic. After a couple months of crushing on him, I had found the term squishes which made me wonder if I was only into him on a platonic level. Which made sense because there was a part of me that REALLY wanted to get to know him better and become. But what confused me was, at the time, I had actually started to fantasize us being in a relationship and kind of liking the idea. WHICH, BY THE WAY, SHOCKED ME! I felt like I just kept falling down some rabbit hole. It throw me into a three year process of trying to figure myself, my feelings, and romantic orientation. I identify as greyromantic now because it’s the most fitting me for, but even to this day I wonder if I even really experienced romantic attraction towards him. Or if it was just A REALLY STRONG squish with some alterous attraction tied into it. And that was like the only crush I have ever had so can’t really compare it to any other experience I’ve had which only adds to my confusion. 😑

A lot about your story is actually very relatable for me. I had a crush on this guy for a long time, like all throughout high school even. And I know I hadn’t had romantic feelings for him, but I attached the idea of him and what he represented for so long and strongly because I had also broken up with a toxic friend and was going through a lot of emotional trauma due to problems of my home life. It’s sad but he was like my only positive outlook that I would dwell on for hours. Towards my senior year I got over him. It might have started as a crush but definitely ended as an attachment. I know for a fact though that if he tried to pursue me, I wouldn’t have like it and the thought of us together would have made me feel pretty uncomfortable. Being called someone girlfriend and calling him my boyfriend like 😖. But I don’t know, now I have very complicated feelings towards romance. Maybe I would have gotten used to it after a while, but it doesn’t matter cause none of that happened.

That was just my story added onto my own personal opinion that yeah, you are greyromantic. Very similar feelings and experiences were said here that I think many other greyromantics can relate to. But again, like you said, you are the only one who can decide your orientation if you choose to label it. I wish you luck trying to figure that out. 🙌🏾

I definitely relate to you as well!! It’s like the person who eventually became my gf, I really wanted to be something more than a friend to her but calling her my girlfriend or her calling me her boyfriend just made me feel a little uncomfortable. I think I ended up developing romantic attraction for her tho but I think my attraction for her was more like this

50% alterous

25% sensual

15% romantic 

10% sexual 

i did feel a lot of aesthetic attraction too however that was just there in the background so I don’t feel a need to put it on the list. Again, I do feel like I became more attached to her than I would’ve otherwise because my best friends turned out to be toxic. 
 

thank you for your response!!

[Peggy]

Both your stories are actually so relatable to me, I really appreciate you guys sharing your stories because it feels so good to read something that I feel the same way about!! Especially because yeah, it's really confusing! I'm the same way, where I have actually fantasized about getting in a relationship with the guy who I like at the moment, but the idea of being called his girlfriend or me calling him my boyfriend is just so uncomfortable to me. In fact, a few months ago, one of his friends (who I'm friendly with, but don't know that well) actually asked me if we're dating, and I just immediately felt really uncomfortable even though I have a crush on him.

Something else I've been struggling with recently is just how I fit into the aro community...because I feel like if I start actually dating this guy (which, chances are super slim for that to happen, although I'm pretty sure he does like me...) I wouldn't feel like I fit into the community because I'm dating someone. Also, I've told basically all my friends that I'm aro so if I start dating him, I would have to do a lot of explaining and it would change my friends' view of me I feel like. Honestly, I feel like that's the thing that's most holding me back from actually telling him I like him...also the fact that I don't know how much of a relationship I would actually be comfortable with, and I don't know if he would understand that/that's not fair to him to not be able to give him everything he wants in a relationship and expect him to still be in a relationship with me. It's all just super confusing because I never actually expected to get to a point where I desired a relationship with anyone, so now that I actually kind of feel that way, it's been a struggle figuring out what to do.

[Spoodz]

19 hours ago, Peggy said:

Both your stories are actually so relatable to me, I really appreciate you guys sharing your stories because it feels so good to read something that I feel the same way about!! Especially because yeah, it's really confusing! I'm the same way, where I have actually fantasized about getting in a relationship with the guy who I like at the moment, but the idea of being called his girlfriend or me calling him my boyfriend is just so uncomfortable to me. In fact, a few months ago, one of his friends (who I'm friendly with, but don't know that well) actually asked me if we're dating, and I just immediately felt really uncomfortable even though I have a crush on him.

Something else I've been struggling with recently is just how I fit into the aro community...because I feel like if I start actually dating this guy (which, chances are super slim for that to happen, although I'm pretty sure he does like me...) I wouldn't feel like I fit into the community because I'm dating someone. Also, I've told basically all my friends that I'm aro so if I start dating him, I would have to do a lot of explaining and it would change my friends' view of me I feel like. Honestly, I feel like that's the thing that's most holding me back from actually telling him I like him...also the fact that I don't know how much of a relationship I would actually be comfortable with, and I don't know if he would understand that/that's not fair to him to not be able to give him everything he wants in a relationship and expect him to still be in a relationship with me. It's all just super confusing because I never actually expected to get to a point where I desired a relationship with anyone, so now that I actually kind of feel that way, it's been a struggle figuring out what to do.

Genuinely so relatable! I’ve often fantasised about relationships with people however if I was to actually have one with them I’d feel very uncomfortable and scared. I too worry about how well I fit into the community. Although I’m quite literally aro spec, it just feels like maybe I’m pretending to be this way and am actually not grey aro (I’m not pretending, I think the term for what I’m experiencing is imposter syndrome.) also I wouldn’t worry too much about what your friends think. I feel like if you take the time to try and explain your feelings to them then they’ll probably understand you! If they don’t make any effort to try and understand your feelings, are they really worth having as a friend? Thank you so much for your response and I’m so happy you were able to relate! 

Edited August 23 by Spoodz

[Peggy]

 

On 8/23/2024 at 5:09 PM, Spoodz said:

Genuinely so relatable! I’ve often fantasised about relationships with people however if I was to actually have one with them I’d feel very uncomfortable and scared. I too worry about how well I fit into the community. Although I’m quite literally aro spec, it just feels like maybe I’m pretending to be this way and am actually not grey aro (I’m not pretending, I think the term for what I’m experiencing is imposter syndrome.) also I wouldn’t worry too much about what your friends think. I feel like if you take the time to try and explain your feelings to them then they’ll probably understand you! If they don’t make any effort to try and understand your feelings, are they really worth having as a friend? Thank you so much for your response and I’m so happy you were able to relate! 

I think a lot of my friends would definitely understand, it just feels like I've spent so long building up this image of who I am that if I tell anyone I have a crush on someone, or if I start dating this guy and tell people about that, that it would just be such a big surprise. Like maybe they would accept it, but I still feel like it would totally change how they see me. I only have one friend who knows I have this crush, and I love talking to her, but sometimes I wish I could talk to other people about it, too. (Just a note though: I think I'm also nervous to tell my friends about this particular person because many of my friends dislike him for valid reasons, I'm just *delusional* and like to believe that he's changed for the better 😭)

And yes, imposter syndrome is definitely real in this case. For me, I see it as internalized aphobia as well, because it's this idea that I'm 'not aro enough' and I don't fit in (plus I do sometimes wish I was in a relationship and dislike that I'm aro spec, which is definitely internalized aphobia). But it's especially tough because it's hard to explain to people who don't know what it means, and sometimes when I try to explain it, it feels like I'm just an attention seeking allo who wants to feel 'special' and give myself labels. And I know there's a lot of aphobes (especially some within the lgbtq+ community) who think that too, which just makes it feel worse.

Random story, but a few years ago, I came out to a friend. I'd met this friend like a month or two prior, and we became friends pretty quickly because we would walk home together after our softball practice. One day, I forget the context, but I told her I was aroace (because, again, that's just easier to explain). She was very chill about it and then said 'yeah, I'm actually graysexual.' It was such a relief to talk to someone who actually knew what those words meant and I didn't have to explain to her about them. I immediately was like 'wait I'm actually grayromantic' and it was so nice to talk to her about it with someone who actually understood. That's the only time that I haven't had to explain it to someone.