Another questioning member - how novel!

[Qiri]

I figured out that I was ace a few months ago, and from learning about asexuality, I then learned about aromanticism. Initially, I thought I was romantic, but as time went on and I started reading about more aromantic experiences, the more I started questioning if I was actually romantic. The definition of "aromantic" as "someone who does not experience romantic attraction" hasn't been particularly helpful for me as I think I struggle to put a finger on what "romantic attraction" really is. It seems to be a very personal and subjective definition that can vary from person to person. 

I'm aware that no one can determine someone else's labels and we're all entitled to self determine our identities, but would appreciate if people might give their input/opinion as to if my feelings/experiences would be consistent with aromanticism. If so, where on the spectrum might I fit?

Warning - long wall of text ahead

*  I'm almost 40. I might have experienced a single crush in my teenage years, but I am unsure if it was a crush or just very strong platonic attraction. Or possibly alterous attraction? Other than that single instance, I have not experienced crushes on anyone. In school, I made up crushes on schoolmates and celebrities to fit in with everyone else and seem more "normal".

*  I dated one person in my life; that person is now my husband. He is a romantic sexual person. I love him very much. I didn't actively seek out a relationship with him - we were initially friends. The friendship seemed to evolve to a point where we got so close that it was almost like we were de facto dating. I was like, "This is cool, apparently dating is hanging out with your best friend all the time".

*  I never felt like I needed or actively desired to date anyone. I never felt like I needed to get married. I would have been perfectly content being single. But the relationship with my partner just seemed to evolve naturally and I was cool with it continuing as it did - even to marriage. But if he had wanted to remain best friends or start a QPR, I would have been cool with that too. I guess: marriage with my best friend is great and nice and I enjoy it, but I didn't feel like I needed to be married to feel complete or fulfilled. 

*  I feel that I'm bad at doing romantic things for my husband. I feel like romantic acts do not come naturally to me. I have to actively remember to do them. I have to actively think about them. For him, they seem to come very naturally and they just flow. I feel so awkward doing them. I like doing them because he gets so much happiness from them, but I feel like they're a little forced on my side. Not because I don't want him to have that joy; just I'm not good at romance things. (or maybe it's because I don't really see a line between romance things and non-romance things you do with close/best friends; I don't know)  

*  Initially, when I was younger, I thought because I didn't like boys, I must be a lesbian. Then I thought I must be bi. Then I thought I must be pan. Then I realized I felt the same about everyone. 

*  When I was in college, on three separate occasions, three different people asked me out on a formal date. I panicked. I managed a quick, "I'm sorry, no thank you" and literally ran away from them. 

*  I like hugging, holding hands, cuddling, snuggling. Kisses on the forehead/cheek are okay. Mouth kissing - I'm not a fan of. No. Please no.

*  I enjoy doing romantically-coded things with friends (not just a theoretical romantic partner) and I don't see why they should be unique to romance: a friend date night at an event or museum or show, movie night with a friend, cozy intimate dinner with a friend, etc. I give friends small gifts, chocolates, flowers, etc. I'm fairly certain that at some point of another, my friends thought I was flirting with them. I think I'm just being nice and affectionate to people I love. (also, I have no idea when anyone flirts with me; I tend to think they're just being nice people) 

*  Romance in movies and books does not resonate with me. I thought most of it was exaggerated for the sake of the plot or for added drama. I don't hate romance in media, but I would prefer to watch/read/listen to things without a major romance plot or element.

*  When I was younger, my friends were daydreaming of their ideal partner, marriage, house, kids, and so on. I was daydreaming about almost anything else. Pets. Books. Career. If I did daydream about a house, it was just me in my daydream (and pets, lots of pets). I don't think marriage came up in a daytime even once. 

*  When I was younger, my friends accused me of never dating any classmate because I had too high standards. Or I was stuck-up. Or frigid. Or a combination of any of the above. I started thinking that must be true about me. Why else was everyone else dating and I wasn't?

If you made it through, thank you and congrats!

[alto]

I made it through!  LOL

You seem aro to me.  But IDK.  Have you ever felt romantic attraction?  All these things aside, have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach, or anything like that?

[Qiri]

I don't know if I've experienced romantic attraction.

If we're talking about what is depicted in movies/TV/books (over the top, love at first sight, immediately obsessed with each other, stupid smiles and eye gazing, etc.) then no.

But I'm not sure those depictions are typical? Surely, there are more subtle ways to experience romantic attraction?

[alto]

Well, all I can tell you as an aro person is that I've never felt butterflies and I give off an aro "vibe".

[Qiri]

I don't think I've felt butterflies, but I have been nervous and excited around and about someone. I met them, they seemed super cool, and I really wanted to get to know them and hang out with them. I don't know if this was a crush or really intense platonic attraction. 

I feel sometimes that I'm romantic because I am not adverse to romantic things. I don't mind and sometimes enjoy holding hands, cuddling, snuggling, "date" nights together, and so on. 

But then I feel that I'm aromantic because while I am not adverse to romance and romantic things, I don't feel any kind of inner or intrinsic need to have romance or a romantic partner in my life. If I hadn't met my current partner - if I was still single to this day - I wouldn't feel incomplete. I wouldn't feel that I needed to find or have a romantic partner. I would be happy with my friends, family, hobbies, and so on. Before I met my current partner, I had family members questioning if I was okay (mentally and emotionally) since I never actively tried to date anyone and was happy being single. They didn't understand how I could be so content and happy alone. They didn't understand why I never had celebrity crushes, didn't seem to have any childhood/school crushes, didn't date anyone at university, and even after, never sought out dates or relationships. 

I think it feels similar to how I think I understand my asexuality. I'm not adverse to sex if my partner wants to have sex, but I have no inner feeling that I need or want sex for myself. I don't know if that analogy can be made between asexuality and aromanticism though.

Both sex and romance for my partner feel somewhat performative for me. I'm genuinely happy to do them for my partner as he is romantic and sexual. But for me, I do feel like I'm just going through the actions for his sake and fulfilment, rather than mine. I have apologized that my actions (sexual and romantic) are more on the performative side, and he says that he thinks I'm wired a bit different, but he knows I love him. I do love him. I love him deeply. I'm not sure if it's a stereotypical romantic love though. 

[Sili]

Theres a difference between enjoying romantically encoded things and being romantic (apparently). I enjoy cuddling, snuggling, date nights etc, but I would do these things with any of my friends that would feel comfortable doing them with me. They dont hold special significence to me beyond "You are a cool person." The point alto makes about "butterflys" I think is well made. Yes, people experience romantic attraction in different ways, and yes, TV exagerates (though apparently not as much as I originally thought) but according to romantic friends, when they think of the person they are romantically attracted to they get butterflies, or a tingle, or something that they dont get when they think of other people.

[Qiri]

7 hours ago, Sili said:

I enjoy cuddling, snuggling, date nights etc, but I would do these things with any of my friends that would feel comfortable doing them with me.

Same here! I have friends that I've done romantically coded things with (like snuggling, holding hands, date nights, etc.), and it was very enjoyable. I certainly enjoy these activities with friends (and my partner) without them being special or unique to romance, or feeling like we are doing anything specifically romantic. 

7 hours ago, Sili said:

Yes, people experience romantic attraction in different ways, and yes, TV exagerates (though apparently not as much as I originally thought) but according to romantic friends, when they think of the person they are romantically attracted to they get butterflies, or a tingle, or something that they dont get when they think of other people.

I feel the same for everyone I really like and get on with though. If I'm seeing a friend I haven't seen in a while, I get tingly nervous excited butterflies. If I'm looking forward to a fun night out with good friends, I get tingly nervous excited butterflies. 

Ahh, maybe that's it. I do get giddy and excited about people, but it's the same for everyone I care about deeply.  

[Qiri]

I think alterous attraction is what I seem to experience.

This resonates with me so much:

Quote

So. Much of what initially held me back from identifying as 100% aromantic (rather than grayro/arospec) was the terrifying possibility that Maybe I really did experience romantic attraction.

[...]

The easiest way for me to distinguish the nature of my feelings is to think about what I want to do with someone because of them. For instance, I want to be the most important person in someone’s life. That’s a general desire I have, but it’s also how I feel about specific people. I want to be a priority, I want to be close to someone’s heart, but I don’t want to date them and I don’t want them to have a crush on me. 

[...]

I also understand why I get so deeply jealous when one of my close friends ends up dating. I want to be the significant other in their life, but in a platonic way.  

Does experiencing alterous attraction "count" as aromantic?

[alto]

you can still be aro and experience alterous attraction