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Friends excluding me from “gay” jokes (long rant beware)


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I know it’s been a while, just needed somewhere to talk about this.

 

my friends (one of whom is bi and the other is an ace lesbian) are very sweet and I love them to death but often when we start joking about not being straight, they say things like “no no, [Echo] doesn’t count.” Or “you’re not even actually gay” or “you wouldn’t get it.”

 

I’m not disagreeing with the fact that I’m not gay (which has from my observations  slowly been becoming a bit of an umbrella term for someone who is LGBTQ, when it was originally mostly just meant to refer to male homosexuals/homoromantics). It’s more of the message that I’m not “queer” enough to also joke around with them. It feels a bit invalidating, hearing them say that I don’t even count as anything and that asexuality(but mostly aromanticism) is seen by them as not “truly” part of the LGBTQ community. 
 

I really wish things like this weren’t an issue. While being aromantic/asexual may not be as easy to identify, it is still very different from being heterosexual. If someone chooses not to identify as LGBTQ I feel that is their choice, I just want there to be a choice.

It’s getting better, luckily, as it’s more talked about, but it’s frustrating feeling like I constantly have to prove that I belong in the LGBTQ community.

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Yeah, if you aren't experiencing romantic attraction, it seems like in the LGBTQ community you aren't as accepted, validated, or seen as getting certain experiences, which sucks. I hope you can find what you're looking for though. 

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On 8/2/2024 at 1:27 AM, The Aro Mando Echo said:

I know it’s been a while, just needed somewhere to talk about this.

 

my friends (one of whom is bi and the other is an ace lesbian) are very sweet and I love them to death but often when we start joking about not being straight, they say things like “no no, [Echo] doesn’t count.” Or “you’re not even actually gay” or “you wouldn’t get it.”

 

I’m not disagreeing with the fact that I’m not gay (which has from my observations  slowly been becoming a bit of an umbrella term for someone who is LGBTQ, when it was originally mostly just meant to refer to male homosexuals/homoromantics). It’s more of the message that I’m not “queer” enough to also joke around with them. It feels a bit invalidating, hearing them say that I don’t even count as anything and that asexuality(but mostly aromanticism) is seen by them as not “truly” part of the LGBTQ community. 
 

I really wish things like this weren’t an issue. While being aromantic/asexual may not be as easy to identify, it is still very different from being heterosexual. If someone chooses not to identify as LGBTQ I feel that is their choice, I just want there to be a choice.

It’s getting better, luckily, as it’s more talked about, but it’s frustrating feeling like I constantly have to prove that I belong in the LGBTQ community.

That must truly be frustrating, I understand the feeling from some friends of mine being the exact same way when I came out as aro, and even some family members too, but over other identities I have and not really towards my aromanticism weirdly. I hope that they do work on that, the more you talk about this problem and your feelings to them. But, remember, I know they're your friends, but you're not responsible for "fixing" them and their casual ignorance (ignorance at best, bigotry at worst). You can educate them further on your identity and about the queerness of the aromantic community (for some fun facts you could bring up the Golden Orchid Society in South China that lasted from 1644 - 1949), but regardless if they won't do research on their own, or take in your word for it, and are still acting exclusionary to you - that is not your fault. I know you may know all of that, but I just wanted to write that out in case seeing it from someone else helps at all.

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Yeah, it's really annoying when people exclude you from jokes or discussions about this stuff just because, in their eyes, you "don't understand" or you "don't count". Like, you can't give your own opinions about romantic or LGBT things because people will just dismiss you because you don't have those feelings, it's so frustrating. I'm sorry that's happening to you, hopefully you can work it out with your friends.

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