Do the doubts ever stop?

[Spoodz]

Since starting to identify as aro spec, I’ve been having a lot of doubts about it like my mind telling me I can’t be aro because of this or that, but at the same time it’s telling me all the instances in the past that I’ve shown aromantic signs as well as telling me all the times I’ve shown some allo signs as well. I suppose it’s all just part of the process of exploring your romantic orientation properly but I’ve just been wondering if anyone else has these kind of doubts, and do they ever stop??

[alto]

Just keep contemplating it, and reading about the experiences of aros and allos.  You'll come to an answer.

[Spoodz]

Thank you! That’s pretty much what I’m doing now, I’m still pretty sure I’m aro spec but it’s definitely worth looking into it more! 

[venomous]

Maybe it’s just my experience, but I’ve had doubts every now and then for the seven or so years since I discovered aromanticism. I don’t get too worried about it nowadays since I have experienced it so many times before. I’ve gone back and forth on the particular aromantic micro label I feel fits the best too.
 

The older I get, the less the specifics seem to matter to me. Maybe it’s already having gone from identifying as bisexual for ten years to realising I have no sexual attraction to men at all and then having feelings for a male coworker and freaking out about it before understanding that it was platonic feelings. Either way, I think doubts can be a completely normal thing for some people. I used to crave having a label so that I could explain myself to other people, but it’s become much more comfortable to just say I’m not a relationship person and leave it at that.

 

If you keep having doubts even after contemplating it for a while, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Amatonormativity is hard to get past when we live in a world that keeps reinforcing it. And if you start feeling that maybe you aren’t aro after all with more finality, that’s all good. No one is going to arrest you ☺️ From what I’ve experienced from the people here, they would most likely be happy that you understand yourself better and wish you all the best. I know I certainly would. 
 

All that said, hope you’re doing well and don’t feel too bad about having doubts. 

[Spoodz]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my question! I really appreciate it!!

 

the main doubts I’m having are the fact I’m fairly certain that I have had a pretty intense crush on someone before, a lot of the feelings I had for them seem like they were romantic however they could’ve been something completely different. I started to develop some kind of feelings for this person (probably alterous attraction) and I just assumed it was a crush on them because I found them quite pretty, I told one of my friends about it and he was almost immediately telling me that I was in love with her, so I just assumed I must be in love with her and continued to crush on her for several months. 
 

whenever someone would tell me I should tell her how I feel, I’d just tell them that “I wasn’t ready for a relationship” and I think that’s mostly because I didn’t ACTUALLY want a relationship, I just liked the idea 😂

It’s like I felt the attraction and wanted them to feel the same about me, but I didn’t actually want a relationship with them.

I did end up telling her in the end and thankfully she rejected me (we’re very close friends now and I only see her in that way) 
 

I did end up having another “crush” a few months after this however I’d been friends with this person for several months before any feelings started to occur. I’d noticed that they’d been messaging me more often and getting kinda flirty so I told my friends about it and they told me she was definitely into me. I started to have an actual panic attack at the thought of it but ended up confronting her about her feelings a few weeks later because I felt like if I didn’t act on it soon, she’d loose her feelings and I’d end up alone. It turned out she did indeed like me and she became my gf for around a month. 
 

during this month I really enjoyed spending time with her (when I could as it was a long distance relationship) however I never really wanted to do anything inherently romantic with her, like holding hands or cute couple stuff and I think the love I felt for her was closer to the same love I feel for my friends rather than romantic love. 
 

she ended up breaking up with me and I decided not to remain friends with her afterwards (a decision I’ve come to regret) I was quite sad about it for a while however I got over it in a month or two. 
 

Since then any “crushes” I’ve had have been purely aesthetic/sensual, never really romantic and the idea of a romantic relationship seems less and less appealing to me, which ended up leading to me questioning if I’m on the aro spectrum or not. 
 

Sorry for the REALLY long response however it’s the only way I could best explain my doubts as to weather I am aro-spec or not 

Edited July 29 by Spoodz

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Despite now having gotten over a big majority of the impostor syndrome I had in finding out I was aromantic, and finally accepting my aromanticism to start with, I'll still sometimes have a few self-doubting thoughts to my aromanticism (mainly of the "is aromanticism actually real?" variety), but I kind of attribute that to the left over amatonormative and allonormative view I had had on myself. It'll sometimes still happen, and I promise you that it doesn't mean you've failed in knowing yourself or that you didn't make any improvement. You have made improvements, it's just the world sucks and sometimes our brains still get overloaded with very harmful social norms that are sometimes drenched in our everyday interactions; and our brains will sometimes decide to trick us and relapse in some of the bigotry we have tried hard to unlearn. That doubt may sometimes be yours, which then that is simply another part of the continuous self-discovery that everyone goes through and the discovery of what is out there in the world. But, then other times that doubt does not belong to you, and is instead the doubt of the rest of the world at large and it's just slowly affecting you. Over time, this will get easier to where the doubt is far and few between, and sometimes you may even stop having them completely with the very rare occasion of having a random out-of-character thought; like for example, I found out I was non-binary far sooner than me being aro, and the impostor syndrome was huge; I kept on going through immense cycles of doubt that I not only actually felt physically sick with depression, but it made it to where I couldn't sleep at night as well. Now? I don't doubt my transness at all anymore. It had to take a long while (5 years), but I am in a much better state with my gender identity and hopefully that'll be the case with my aromanticism, and yours.

[Spoodz]

Thank you very much!!

[.CORALINE.]

I feel you deeply, I sometimes doubt on myself because of the strong and deep connections I'm able to create with other people, I can say I can love even if I think it's not romantic love. Like, I have special interest towards someone specific, I feel like hugging and hugging that specific person when I'm eith them, but when it comes to romance (establishing and labeling a relationship, kissing etc) I feel so uncomfortable. It confuses me a lot, so I guess it's normal when you're into some grey atea to have constant doubts about yourself and your identity

[Spoodz]

Exactly!! It’s like I’m really interested in someone and I want them to interested in me in the same way, but the second it comes to doing romantic coded things it makes me feel really weird and I don’t wanna do those things even if I really love the person

[.CORALINE.]

Yes and it's also hard to explain to that person, not everyone can understand it (or has the will to listen and understand)

[Spoodz]

53 minutes ago, .CORALINE. said:

Yes and it's also hard to explain to that person, not everyone can understand it (or has the will to listen and understand)

Thankfully I haven’t had to actually try to explain it to someone yet, I didn’t realise I was aro spec at the time and I just thought they were normal feelings 😂

[.CORALINE.]

10 hours ago, Spoodz said:

Thankfully I haven’t had to actually try to explain it to someone yet, I didn’t realise I was aro spec at the time and I just thought they were normal feelings 😂

Well! Because - spoiler: to understand our own feelings is hard, but it's even harder for alloromantics!! They misunderstand many of our behaviours, labeling them as romantic

[Spoodz]

3 hours ago, .CORALINE. said:

Well! Because - spoiler: to understand our own feelings is hard, but it's even harder for alloromantics!! They misunderstand many of our behaviours, labeling them as romantic

EXACTLY!!!! Like a lot of the time I get alterously and aesthetically attracted to someone and I’ll tell my friends about it and the next thing I know it’s all “ohh you’re in love” “oooooo ask her out” and because of that I assume I must be in love and all my feelings are romantic because I’ve never known anything different. So it’s been really strange finding out I’m probably aro and I think that’s what’s causing my doubts. I didn’t even know being aromantic was a thing until recently 

[.CORALINE.]

On 8/2/2024 at 1:25 PM, Spoodz said:

EXACTLY!!!! Like a lot of the time I get alterously and aesthetically attracted to someone and I’ll tell my friends about it and the next thing I know it’s all “ohh you’re in love” “oooooo ask her out” and because of that I assume I must be in love and all my feelings are romantic because I’ve never known anything different. So it’s been really strange finding out I’m probably aro and I think that’s what’s causing my doubts. I didn’t even know being aromantic was a thing until recently 

Yeah it's not easy to find out this orientation because no one ever talks about it and for sure other people don't help, they sort of "force" your romantic feelings because they suppose it's normal to fall in love and that any kind of interest must be romantic. Allos don't understand you can love people in many different ways

[Spoodz]

2 hours ago, .CORALINE. said:

Yeah it's not easy to find out this orientation because no one ever talks about it and for sure other people don't help, they sort of "force" your romantic feelings because they suppose it's normal to fall in love and that any kind of interest must be romantic. Allos don't understand you can love people in many different ways

I couldn’t agree more!! Something I’ve always lacked in life is a best friend, and I think all my “crushes” might’ve just been me wanting to be their BEST friends rather than their boyfriend however because I’m always thinking about them, wanting them to notice me and wanting to be around them all the time, I misinterpret my feelings as romantic because that’s what society leads me to interpret them as. It’s never really talked about that you can feel such strong feelings for someone and have them NOT be romantic, I feel like it’s something that needs to be spoke about more to help more people with their romantic orientation. It explains why I really enjoy being around and talking to a specific person but I don’t Actually want a relationship with them 😂

[.CORALINE.]

18 hours ago, Spoodz said:

I couldn’t agree more!! Something I’ve always lacked in life is a best friend, and I think all my “crushes” might’ve just been me wanting to be their BEST friends rather than their boyfriend however because I’m always thinking about them, wanting them to notice me and wanting to be around them all the time, I misinterpret my feelings as romantic because that’s what society leads me to interpret them as. It’s never really talked about that you can feel such strong feelings for someone and have them NOT be romantic, I feel like it’s something that needs to be spoke about more to help more people with their romantic orientation. It explains why I really enjoy being around and talking to a specific person but I don’t Actually want a relationship with them 😂

Omg this is completely absolutely me!!! I feel exactly the same!!! Every tine I had a "crush" it was just wanting that person in my life, be their BFF, share great moments with them, also hug them tight, but my fantasies never went to the point of kissing or being in a relationship! And I feel like no one understands my intention in real life 😅 it gets me almost on the verge of tears when I find out someone who really feels the same, it makes me feel less alone so I'm grateful you shared your thoughts!

Edited August 4 by .CORALINE.

[Spoodz]

33 minutes ago, .CORALINE. said:

Omg this is completely absolutely me!!! I feel exactly the same!!! Every tine I had a "crush" it was just wanting that person in my life, be their BFF, share great moments with them, also hug them tight, but my fantasies never went to the point of kissing or being in a relationship! And I feel like no one understands my intention in real life 😅 it gets me almost on the verge of tears when I find out someone who really feels the same, it makes me feel less alone so I'm grateful you shared your thoughts!

AHHH that’s exactly it!! I just want someone to be my special person and I want to be their special person without it having to be anything romantic, however everyone else just interprets it as being romantic and tells me it is, so I believe it is.
 

I’m also really happy to be able to find someone who feels exactly the same as I do!! It’s so frustrating cause it feels like nobody else understands it if you try and explain it to someone so I’m glad to have found someone who actually does! 

[.CORALINE.]

1 minute ago, Spoodz said:

AHHH that’s exactly it!! I just want someone to be my special person and I want to be their special person without it having to be anything romantic, however everyone else just interprets it as being romantic and tells me it is, so I believe it is.

THIS! EXACLTY!! I thought it was easier to understand for others but I guess it's not, seems like romantic bonds are the only valuable ones - or at least this is what the society teaches us!

But yeah, I believe in special bonds, in special people, also in "soulmates" even though not in a romantic way. After all there are no written rules for love and relationships, right?

Keep it in your mind that if you need to talk and vent with someone who understands you you can text me whenever you want ☺️

[Spoodz]

1 minute ago, .CORALINE. said:

THIS! EXACLTY!! I thought it was easier to understand for others but I guess it's not, seems like romantic bonds are the only valuable ones - or at least this is what the society teaches us!

But yeah, I believe in special bonds, in special people, also in "soulmates" even though not in a romantic way. After all there are no written rules for love and relationships, right?

Keep it in your mind that if you need to talk and vent with someone who understands you you can text me whenever you want ☺️

Yup! It’s like the rest of society just tells you if it’s not romantic it’s not special, which isn’t true!! I firmly believe that you can have far more meaningful and impactful relationships with someone that aren’t romantic! I too believe in platonic soulmates, like a best friend who you’re so close to they feel like a part of you. To me that sounds more fulfilling than a romantic relationship any day!

 

also thank youuu!!! I’ll be sure to shoot you a message if I ever need to chat and feel free to do the same to me if you ever wanna talk/vent!! So so happy to actually find someone who understands the way I feel about people 

[.CORALINE.]

22 minutes ago, Spoodz said:

Yup! It’s like the rest of society just tells you if it’s not romantic it’s not special, which isn’t true!! I firmly believe that you can have far more meaningful and impactful relationships with someone that aren’t romantic! I too believe in platonic soulmates, like a best friend who you’re so close to they feel like a part of you. To me that sounds more fulfilling than a romantic relationship any day!

 

also thank youuu!!! I’ll be sure to shoot you a message if I ever need to chat and feel free to do the same to me if you ever wanna talk/vent!! So so happy to actually find someone who understands the way I feel about people 

I really couldn't express it better! Seems like we have the exact same point of view!!! 🥹

Thank YOU so much for the wonderful conversation, it really made my day ✨

[Spoodz]

1 hour ago, .CORALINE. said:

I really couldn't express it better! Seems like we have the exact same point of view!!! 🥹

Thank YOU so much for the wonderful conversation, it really made my day ✨

Yup!! We definitely seem to agree on it!!

and thank you too!!! Finding someone who finally understands how I feel has made me feel so happy!!! 💚