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Hey everyone! 🤗 I need some advice because I'm not sure what to do about a situation I'm in. 🥺

I've never been in a real relationship or felt love for someone, nor have I had a genuine crush on anyone. While I used to think it would be great to be in a relationship and kind of wanted it, whenever someone showed interest in me, I would quickly run away. It's like a panic mode I can't control. Just the idea of someone liking me makes me feel this way.

I haven't dated much, but I recently met someone who seems perfect, meeting all my criteria for a good boyfriend.

 I met him on tinder, haha. It bothers me a bit. I loged in into Tinder for fun and curiosity someday and kept it. From time to time I am looking into it. So I marched with him and he said he was new in town and wanted someone to show him around. So we met and I showed him some nice places. Our first few times hanging out didn't feel like dates, so I wasn't nervous like usual. We've met up six times now, two of which were dates where we watched a TV series together. We cuddled a bit during the second date, but I didn't feel any romantic feelings—no butterflies or nervousness. Holding hands, something he initiated, didn't do anything for me either. I also don't understand the thing of holding hands, to be honest.

We've kept meeting up, including today, to watch more of the series and cuddle. But I still haven't felt any strong feelings for him. I even felt like I had to see him today rather than really wanting to, because I started feeling panicked and annoyed after our last few meetings.

Even after seven meetings, I'm not sure if I like him romantically. My friends say I should give him a chance, or at least give myself a chance to try a real relationship. They said if it doesn't work out, then he's not "the one."

But I'm not sure. I'm starting to think relationships might not be my thing.

So, should I just tell him we're better off as friends, or should I keep trying to develop feelings? If I can't even like someone who seems perfect, will I ever?

I also feel like he deserves to know I'm not fully into it. I don't want to lead him on, but I'm not sure how to say it. 🥺

Has anyone else been in this situation? I'd really appreciate some advice because I'm feeling super confused right now. 😅

Thanks a bunch for reading all this! 😊

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The advice I always give to people in these sorts of situations is to just talk to the other person about everything you're feeling here. It's always good to be honest with people, even if it's a possibly hurtful truth. The healthiest friendships are the ones you risk the most. 
Basically, talk to him about how you feel and I'm sure you guys will reach an understanding together. Personally, it sounds to me like relationships definitely aren't your thing, but that's your journey to go on. 

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2 hours ago, Milenea said:

So, should I just tell him we're better off as friends, or should I keep trying to develop feelings?

Developing 'feelings' for someone isn't something you can just do by trying hard enough, im guessing that its just a thing that happens to most people.

Tell him you aren't interested in romance, see how well that works. I have done it to a person once, and am still great friends with him, but then again, different people, different reactions.

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@N1GHTM4R3, @MondoBilby
Thank you so much for the quick answers! 🥹

You are right, I should be honest with him... I tried yesterday but everytime I wanted to bring the topic, I couldn't. It was like a barrier :( I guess if I want to tell him my true feelings, I need to text him them - because I can't say what I want to say when I am trying to speak with him in person :(  

You know, not knowing what exactly you are is so confusing. You met someone and like him or she, have a great time together. Than, the other person starts to develope feelings for you, but you don't. It get's difficult then, because the other person has expectations and went already further than you. You don't know what to do because you like the person really much but also don't whant to hurt him or her. So you hope that you may also develope feelings, because he or she is a great person, why shouldn't you? Thats why you don't want to cut it of.  But this way, you are just hurting the other person more I guess...  I think I might be aromantic but at the same time, I am getting sad because I may can never experience those things others experience, like truly fall in love, in a romantic way.

Edited by Milenea
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4 hours ago, Milenea said:

I think I might be aromantic but at the same time, I am getting sad because I may can never experience those things others experience, like truly fall in love, in a romantic way.

I completely understand this. Having the realization (2 years ago for me) was kind of a bittersweet thing because on the one hand, you're not so confused and now know that there's nothing wrong with you; you just work differently and there are a lot of others like you. But at the same time it can change a lot about how you envision your future.

In my case, it really helped me to start paying more attention to my feelings and sorting out what I really wanted as opposed to what I thought I was supposed to want. I used to think I wanted a relationship, but when I really thought about it, nothing about them actually appealed to me. I just thought that way because other people seemed to enjoy them, but I actually prefer putting my energy into my close friendships and interests. I also used to think I didn't care about what I did for work, but I recently started developing a skillset I never thought would appeal to me and am actually starting to feel ambitious. Right now, I know some people form non-romantic partnerships and I think I would prefer not to have one, but those feelings might also change.

That's just how it was for me and it might be a lot different for you. Figuring yourself out is an ongoing process and I wish you all the best on your journey ❤️

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12 hours ago, Milenea said:

I think I might be aromantic but at the same time, I am getting sad because I may can never experience those things others experience, like truly fall in love, in a romantic way.

There are orientations on the aro-spec that mean you might want love, but then again, your aro.

Just look for the label that feels right for you 🙂

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Similar situation, I was asked if I would confess to my crush (the one I don't have)...

Said "Sorry, I'm not registered to vote."

 

Also, like, as in like like, is kinda just the allo way to say romantic attraction.

(Do you like them? = Do you feel romantically attracted to them?)

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On 2/13/2024 at 4:03 PM, A_Mess said:

I completely understand this. Having the realization (2 years ago for me) was kind of a bittersweet thing because on the one hand, you're not so confused and now know that there's nothing wrong with you; you just work differently and there are a lot of others like you. But at the same time it can change a lot about how you envision your future.

In my case, it really helped me to start paying more attention to my feelings and sorting out what I really wanted as opposed to what I thought I was supposed to want. I used to think I wanted a relationship, but when I really thought about it, nothing about them actually appealed to me. I just thought that way because other people seemed to enjoy them, but I actually prefer putting my energy into my close friendships and interests. I also used to think I didn't care about what I did for work, but I recently started developing a skillset I never thought would appeal to me and am actually starting to feel ambitious. Right now, I know some people form non-romantic partnerships and I think I would prefer not to have one, but those feelings might also change.

That's just how it was for me and it might be a lot different for you. Figuring yourself out is an ongoing process and I wish you all the best on your journey ❤️

Thank you so much for your kind words! You are so right! I'm really trying to take your advice seriously and pay more attention to my own feelings to figure out what I truly want. I think I often let myself be influenced by my surroundings and what is considered "normal" by society. Anyway, thanks a lot for your nice comment <3 😊

 

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The most important things have already been said: Talk to him about your feelings. You cannot develop feelings by trying hard enough.

On 2/13/2024 at 11:31 AM, Milenea said:

You are right, I should be honest with him... I tried yesterday but everytime I wanted to bring the topic, I couldn't. It was like a barrier :( I guess if I want to tell him my true feelings, I need to text him them - because I can't say what I want to say when I am trying to speak with him in person :(

There are many different ways to initiate such a conversation. You may tell him about your feelings by texting him if you want to have the time to carefully consider your wording. You may also text him only saying next time you meet in person you wish to talk about your feelings without being more specific, just to bring it up. If you want to initiate it while seeing him in person, an open question might help. You could for example directly ask him what his expectations on your relationship are, where he wants this to lead to, or how he is feeling about you. This might seem very straightforward, but he will appreciate your openness. Do not forget to mention you are unsure about your feelings but he means something for you regardless and you are ready to put effort into it to give him what he is wishing for.

When exploring your own feelings, you might want to think how you want to be with him. Do you feel like you have this relationship only for the friendship and companionship? Would it bother you if he had a romantic interest in another person? If you only see him as a friend and will be happy to see him with another romantic partner, perhaps you should tell him that. Then the choice is up to him if the relationship with you is so valuable to him he wants it even if he cannot expect the same romantic feelings from you, or if he rather has a friendship with you and is open to find another romantic partner.

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