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Forgetting romance when talking to people?


Philbo Wiseroot
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Earlier in AVEN chat, I was called inappropriate. Long story short, I feel like I'm beginning to forget that romance is a thing. Personally, I generally talk either on here or to my really good friends. It's becoming difficult to switch between people who I can be affectionate with (friends) and others, because I spend so much time with the people I can be affectionate with. 

 

Anyone have this issue? Someone told me recently that discovery my identity will change me. I think it's started. 

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I kind of know what you mean. I never used to be affectionate with anyone because I thought it was "inappropriate" except when I was in a romantic relationship (oh boy).

 

realising I was aromantic and being out to my friends allowed me to be affectionate with my friends without feeling self conscious about it. I was with two of my close friends the other day when I noticed the banter between me and my bestie was making our other friend uncomfortable.

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Ehhh...somewhat? Not quite in the same way, though. For me it doesn't really so much manifest as play-flirting/banter that could be construed as romantic tension or whatever, but more as me realizing that things I do with certain friends (e.g. them sitting on my lap, going on random trips where we spend the whole day together and interacting with them over other people in my dorm, sharing food, etc.) could be construed as things that would be done if we were already in a romantic relationship to begin with, but aren't specifically romantic in nature...if that makes sense? Like, it's nothing that I personally would see as having exclusively romantic connotations, because that would squick me the heck out because romance repulsion, but other people might consider it a level of closeness (as distinct from affection, which is what I think other posters are talking about) that would imply romance. I feel like I'm explaining this poorly but I'm tired.

 

ETA: 100th post!

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6 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

I kind of know what you mean. I never used to be affectionate with anyone because I thought it was "inappropriate" except when I was in a romantic relationship (oh boy).

 

realising I was aromantic and being out to my friends allowed me to be affectionate with my friends without feeling self conscious about it. I was with two of my close friends the other day when I noticed the banter between me and my bestie was making our other friend uncomfortable.

I'm the same. If anyone heard me and my best friend, they'd think we were coupled. And sometimes we might spend the entire day together. See my problem?

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11 hours ago, Kaiger Pufflehugs IV said:

Earlier in AVEN chat, I was called inappropriate. Long story short, I feel like I'm beginning to forget that romance is a thing. Personally, I generally talk either on here or to my really good friends. It's becoming difficult to switch between people who I can be affectionate with (friends) and others, because I spend so much time with the people I can be affectionate with.

Sounds like this is about affection being romantic coded. Thus alloromantics see it as "inappropriate" outside of a romantic relationship.

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1 hour ago, Mark said:

Sounds like this is about affection being romantic coded. Thus alloromantics see it as "inappropriate" outside of a romantic relationship.

It makes me sad that this happens in some ace circles considering how annoyingly common it is outside these communities. In my experience the relationship hierarchy makes talking to non aromantic people about anything to do with friendship or affection really difficult.

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I'm not really affectionate towards anyone to be honest, so I don't have that problem. 

 

Sometimes I do forget that romance plays a huge part in many people's lives though. Like when I'm talking to people and they keep mentioning their SO. Or when I meet someone for the first time and 'so, do you have a boyfriend?' is one of their first questions... I just don't get that.

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Ever since I came out to my friends, I can talk about really liking someone, and know they won't think I have a crush on them or something. I don't really wanna call them squishes, as they seem kinda different from what other people describe, but I tend to really want to be 'platonically friendly' with random people. And I used to never be able to say things like, 'I love X, they're really cool', without being accused of having a crush. No guys, I just think they're cool. Doesn't mean I wanna marry them??? I just want to be friendly with them, and have them be friendly back. Be able to joke around with them?

 

I forget when talking to other people that I'm not out with though.. I have to remind myself not to say things like that. I have to pretend not to want to spontaneously be friends with people. I have to only want to talk to people in my friends group, or people that I'm grouped up to work with in classes? I can't seek out new people, because that's a romantic action apparently? Unless it's like a hobby? The rules are really weird. I forget the weird little rules and get myself stuck into holes pretty often. Why can't people just be simple? Stop reading so much into my actions. >.> :stopapo:

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I actually just have a hard time holding discussions in general.

 

I sort of feel like I wish I could be more openly affectionate towards my friends, but really when it does happen that me and a friend are being affectionate, I'm nervous about it anyway. and, I could be affectionate towards my family, but I just don't do it then either. and, all of my relationships had at some point some kind of affection that had the whole shroedingers cat effect going for it regarding romance or nah. so when my friends say something sweet to me, I get scared for a sec 'cause of that, and I sometimes catch myself about to say something sweet and then think up a way to say it that's got the affection removed.... 

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6 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

It makes me sad that this happens in some ace circles considering how annoyingly common it is outside these communities. In my experience the relationship hierarchy makes talking to non aromantic people about anything to do with friendship or affection really difficult.

I wouldn't expect alloromantic asexuals to be very different from alloromantic allosexuals when it comes to aromantic issues. Something which is also relevant to the AVEN thread.
A major difference between alloromantic and aromantic people appears to be how we view interpersonal relationships.
 

6 hours ago, Mikasa said:

Sometimes I do forget that romance plays a huge part in many people's lives though. Like when I'm talking to people and they keep mentioning their SO. Or when I meet someone for the first time and 'so, do you have a boyfriend?' is one of their first questions... I just don't get that.

Possibly it wouldn't occur to ask someone if they had a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, partner, etc.

 

3 hours ago, Dodgypotato said:

Ever since I came out to my friends, I can talk about really liking someone, and know they won't think I have a crush on them or something. I don't really wanna call them squishes, as they seem kinda different from what other people describe, but I tend to really want to be 'platonically friendly' with random people.

I also have issues with the term "squish". In the sense of is it also ment to cover QP attraction?

 

3 hours ago, Dodgypotato said:

And I used to never be able to say things like, 'I love X, they're really cool', without being accused of having a crush. No guys, I just think they're cool. Doesn't mean I wanna marry them??? I just want to be friendly with them, and have them be friendly back. Be able to joke around with them?

I find it difficult to use the term "love" without long explanations that I don't mean romantically.
As for marriage it has simply never interested me.

 

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I had this when I was younger because I was in the kind of comunity where physical affection was the norm. so it was really normal to hug, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, with friends, or people you just meet. 

It became wierd somethimes because there were moments I kinda forgot that not all people was used to this kind of affections. 

 

I am not in the same type of groups where physical affection is so much the norm, but I still somethimes forget how somethings are coded as romantic in manys ways. I also got into a agument on aven for that matter because someone said you were a bad person if you somehow "pretended" to be in love with people, by holding hands, kissing, cuddling or whatever you did, and then you came out as aro, and you had just played with their feelings. (something like that?) 

 

im like really? I am repulsed by people being in love with me so why would I want to play with their feelings and cause a drama? the truth is mostly I dont know what type of feelings people have for me since im so bad at reading signals and the person normally dont say it dirrectly, But I still like the affections, so if I do it and it turns out the other person thought that ment I was in love with them and was secretly in love with me, then im to blame cause I should had known this was romantic and they liked me that way...

 

sign.. its kinda difficult navigating in this world when almost everything can be seen as flirting, 

I dont know if it was the same type of debate you had on Aven or not?

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It's tricky, especially because I don't really code many things as romantic anyway. The fact you can't use the word love or 'it has to be romantic!' is ridiculous to me, platonic love is still love, right? I also don't get how people make 'friends' so easily, when in my eyes they're really just acquaintances. Maybe that's just me. 

 

I wish you could hug people without everyone thinking you're a couple. To most people, it's fine if I hug someone of the same gender (as girls hugging is sort of an accepted thing) but I wish I could actually hug some of my closer friends who are male without people thinking it's weird.

 

Also I can never pick up if I'm being 'too romantic'. I started hanging out with this one guy a lot because he's like, super cool and I've been meaning to get to know him for a while, and everyone was convinced I liked him. Ugh.

 

Oh well, less romance means more time to dedicate to making friends! :D

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48 minutes ago, Natkat said:

I had this when I was younger because I was in the kind of comunity where physical affection was the norm. so it was really normal to hug, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, with friends, or people you just meet. 

It became wierd somethimes because there were moments I kinda forgot that not all people was used to this kind of affections.

This sort of thing appears to become rarer the older you are :(

 

52 minutes ago, Natkat said:

I am not in the same type of groups where physical affection is so much the norm, but I still somethimes forget how somethings are coded as romantic in manys ways. I also got into a agument on aven for that matter because someone said you were a bad person if you somehow "pretended" to be in love with people, by holding hands, kissing, cuddling or whatever you did, and then you came out as aro, and you had just played with their feelings. (something like that?)

It often seems to me that to alloromantics these things are like a sort of "package deal", as well as expecting some kind of hidden meaning behind such things.
With it being hard to get across that I enjoy these things, what matters is to me is that it is mutual. With the complication that all the vast majority of people appear to be interested in is a romantic relationship.

 

53 minutes ago, Natkat said:

I am repulsed by people being in love with me so why would I want to play with their feelings and cause a drama? the truth is mostly I dont know what type of feelings people have for me since im so bad at reading signals and the person normally dont say it dirrectly, But I still like the affections, so if I do it and it turns out the other person thought that ment I was in love with them and was secretly in love with me, then im to blame cause I should had known this was romantic and they liked me that way...

Also utterly hopeless at reading signals.
There's also a difference between loving someone and being "in love"...

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This is the reason why it's so horribly difficult for me to say nice things to people. I can't just tell someone I love them without being afraid they'll take it the wrong way... I haven't got to a point where I'm comfortable saying that to anyone yet, so this problem doesn't apply to me... but I actually hope that someday it does. That'd be nice... lol. I have some pretty weird people I hang out with a lot that would probably not even think it's weird if I did tell them I love them... but I'm still scared. For now. :P

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On Friday, 28 October 2016 at 4:28 AM, Mark said:

I also have issues with the term "squish". In the sense of is it also ment to cover QP attraction?

 

I find it difficult to use the term "love" without long explanations that I don't mean romantically.
As for marriage it has simply never interested me.

 

For me, when I have a squish, I do not get sexual attraction. Nor sensual attraction. That would make me feel really weird. I literally just want to be able to talk with them more. Just friends. Not even a QPR in my experience. I just want them to see me as a friend and appreciate my company. That's all.

 

But the common definition includes all these things where you have to want to enter a QPR relationship with them, comparing them to a crush where they say you want to enter a romantic relationship with them? I don't know if the latter is true at all, by the way. I know very little about crushes.

 

It's annoying how people completely understand when you say you 'love' your family. But suddenly when they're not related by blood, it's incomprehensible if you mean anything but romantically.

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4 hours ago, Dodgypotato said:

But the common definition includes all these things where you have to want to enter a QPR relationship with them, comparing them to a crush where they say you want to enter a romantic relationship with them? I don't know if the latter is true at all, by the way. I know very little about crushes.

 

It's annoying how people completely understand when you say you 'love' your family. But suddenly when they're not related by blood, it's incomprehensible if you mean anything but romantically.

In my experience the term squish is used more liberally, as opposed to the rigid structure of romanticism in general. From who I've talked to on here, some squishes and purely platonic, some are sensual, some are sexual etc. I think of squish as an umbrella term for non romantic attractions, if that makes sense?

 

I hate that too. Especially since the love I have for my friends (and this seems to go for a lot of people) is so similar to familial love that it shouldn't even need clarification.

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5 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

In my experience the term squish is used more liberally, as opposed to the rigid structure of romanticism in general. From who I've talked to on here, some squishes and purely platonic, some are sensual, some are sexual etc. I think of squish as an umbrella term for non romantic attractions, if that makes sense?

I understand that, I'm just a bit hesitant because of its broad definition. People naturally make a lot of assumptions. If I were to say that I had a squish on Bob, then people may assume that I want to be involved sensually with him, and I'd really not want people to think that. It's like if I say I have anxiety, and people assume I have generalised anxiety disorder when I actually have a specific phobia.

 

Squish is a useful term for many people, but not for me. It's too broadly defined to be a term that I will use.

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I don't have the issue of being inappropriately affectionate--I have the issue of being inappropriately dismissive. When I have to talk to romantics, I have the gut reaction to roll my eyes because their problems no longer make any sense to me, since I stopped caring about romance. I have to mentally reorient myself. 

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attraction, squishes, crush, yeah it's a broad thing. what's personally true about your experience - is exactly that, personal. rejecting a broad term because it's too broad is only gonna limit what you can say, not enhance it. when it matters how you feel about someone - tell them. when it doesn't matter - call it a squish, call it a crush, no one's gonna notice, it's no big deal really. most people if they're smart, they're gonna assume you aren't the exact same person with the exact same experiences anyway, or at least I hope so. they're gonna understand it's a broad term - and if you say you have a crush, they're gonna understand that you want to get to know that person better.

 

maybe they play it up too romantically or too sexually - but that's a reflection of their personal experience, not a reflection of yours. 

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Well, I don't have any problems with showing to much affection. People usually tell me that I don't show enough emotion at all, so ...~

I am, however, often surprised when someone mentions having a relationship or being married. I just don't think about it and suddenly they mention their partner and bring me back to realize that that's actually a thing~

So, yeah, I do forget romance sometimes~

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1 hour ago, Zae said:

I am, however, often surprised when someone mentions having a relationship or being married.

Same. Often if someone mentions they have a crush or are in a relationship, there's a sort of 'oh' moment where I realise not everyone is aro, lmao.

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I seem to be the opposite of you guys! I don't like being seen as affectionate. People always get the wrong idea, it's happened often enough with me. And I do personally have a problem with people thinking that of me.

 

I really don't mind if it limits me. I prefer using language that can clearly communicate what I actually mean. I don't like being misunderstood, it always leads to problems down the track. I just really hate when people think I like them romantically. Back in primary school, my 'friends' (I use that term very hesitantly) always went around to random males in the class telling them that I had crushes on them. Because I always said that I didn't have a crush, which they didn't believe. That's probably where my hatred of being misunderstood (in that way) comes from..

 

I just wanna be friends with everyone! ;~;

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2 minutes ago, Dodgypotato said:

Back in primary school, my 'friends' (I use that term very hesitantly) always went around to random males in the class telling them that I had crushes on them. Because I always said that I didn't have a crush, which they didn't believe. That's probably where my hatred of being misunderstood (in that way) comes from..

I also hate that. It was harder when I was a kid because if I was friends with a guy (which I often was) everyone would insist I had a crush on him, and no amount of clarification could convince them otherwise.

 

What has helped is having the word aromantic. Even last night, when people asked if I had a crush on @brsajo I told them no, and when they didn't believe me I came out. That fixed the problem! Haha

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