Coming out stories!

[cokakoala]

I came out to my younger brother in the car one day when I was parking. He looks out the window at the divider lines and he says "You're not straight." And I say "You got that right, but how's the car?" 

 

I don't remember exactly when I told my parents, but they know I'm bi (and not a romantic type, but I haven't used the word "aromantic" with them yet). My mom told me she hopes I end up with a man, if only because it would make my life easier. I've gotten the "I don't want you to die alone" talk, too. That's a rough one. But they ALSO made it clear that they want me to be happy and successful on my own terms before anything else.

 

[peridotty]

8 hours ago, cokakoala said:

I came out to my younger brother in the car one day when I was parking. He looks out the window at the divider lines and he says "You're not straight." And I say "You got that right, but how's the car?" 

 

lmaoooo that's a keeper.

 

personally my coming out story hasn't.... actually happened yet. the closest ive come is my mom asking me (in a somewhat hostile way) if i was questioning my sexuality when i told her about being anxious around literally everyone (thanks, mom -.-)

 

i came out partway to my sister in a victoria's secret when she asked me as a joke why everything i was getting was plaid print lol - shes cool with it & my aro identity (& shes pretty sure that shes lithro too!)

 

like 2 of my friends know & theyre both ace so...cool... but nobody else knows

 

not sure if/when ill ever come out to my parents im not great with how theyll react but im graduating & going to college soon so ill probably be public there

[Dusty]

Okay, I've come out to my best friend and mom. It was easy to tell my friend because she's biromantic asexual. So one day I finally realized I might be aromantic, thought about it couple of days and then simply texted her, "Dude, I finally figured out why I don't fall for anyone and feel so uncomfortable in a relationship. I think I'm aromantic." All she said was, "It's the best feeling when you finally know who you are so that's awesome!" And that was pretty much it, we talked about it a lot after that and I started to feel more comfortable about the situation when she told me it was okay and that romantic relationships are overrated anyways. She's seriously the best and a lifesaver. 

 

I told my mom only recently. I've told her that I don't want to be in a relationship like over a year before I even knew the term aromantic. Back then and only recently she still laughed at me and told me I was being silly. It really annoyed me to no end because, you know, it hurt when she clearly thought I wasn't old enough to know what I wanted and that what I said was only cute... like how a little kid said they wanted to be a robot when they grew up and the parents are there laughing at how cute their little one is... that's how it felt. Anyway, I told her about aromanticism only recently. I explained it to her and told that that's who I am and her first question was, "Is that permanent?" I answered that, "Is anything in life permanent? Right now this is who I am and feel comfortable with so I hope you respect it." It was surprising but she was okay with it. I felt like she wanted to say more but at least all she said was, "Not everyone has to get married, there's a lot of people like that" and "your description sounds a lot like your aunt". The last one was a little bit of a surprise but it indeed did sound like my aunt. It was a surprise to everyone when she actually married one guy, no one's sure where that man even came from. But anyway, it was an okay conversation with mom even though I felt nervous. 

[omitef]

...I just came out to two of my friends and both of their reactions were basically, "Oh, well are you sure it's not because you've been surrounded by hot jerks? What if someone better comes along?"

 

I mean, IDK, sure. I used to think I was straight until I ran into a sexually attractive guy every other month, and discovered non-binary people. I can change my labels as I learn more about myself. But I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna change.

[Mark]

On 04/04/2016 at 3:05 PM, DannyFenton123 said:

When I was younger I told my friends I never wanted to get married. Little did I know at the time, I was coming out as aromantic

Ditto. Suspect you might also have heard "You'll change your mind when you meet the right person" as a response.

[Dodgypotato]

I've come out 3 times now.

1. My sister: totally accepting, she realised I was ace long before I did, and suggested it to me (and I completely ignored her). She's fine with my aro-ness as well.

 

2. My best friend: accepted, but I don't think she understands. She was pretty much like, "Ok, cool." I pranked her once and hacked my friends Skype and told her I was gay and had been seen kissing another friend. She completely freaked out and started caps-locking-me-out over skype. Not sure what that means. Why would it matter if I were gay to her so much?

 

3. A random friend who asked if I were gay: I said no, I'm asexual. She assumed that that included my romantic orientation as well since she has no idea they can be split. She laughed as if I told I joke and I said, "I'm serious. I'm asexual. I'm not attracted to anyone. I've never had a crush before." All she said was, "We'll see." That's pretty much the equivalent of, "You just haven't met 'THE _(right) ONE' yet!" response, haha.

[Mezzo Forte]

I tend to prefer describing my experiences minus the label, though I did explicitly tell my twin and my best friend about it. I always  make sure to define my disinterest towards sex as separate from my disinterest towards romance, but I often discuss them together.

 

My twin is very passionate about matters of identity politics, so I didn't need to give her much explanation, and she frankly wasn't shocked at all. My best friend had never heard of it, but it made total sense to him in regards to me, and it cleared up a lot about why our former romantic relationship didn't work out, yet we remained so compatible as friends.

 

With my parents, coming out as aro/ace was actually part of my coming out as trans. They both individually asked me if my gender could be connected to my orientation (they wondered if I was into women), so I cleared the air right there. Turns out that the apple doesn't fall from the tree in some respects, as my dad had a few aunts who never dated and were happily single their entire lives. My parents feel that nobody knows what's in my head better than I would, so why should they think I'm wrong about how I identify? Quite frankly, the fact that I'm a nonreligious musician who isn't straight or cis, yet I have loving/accepting parents, friends, and siblings is probably beyond a miracle. 

[nightfury326]

First off- my Mom's aromantic and asexual- so the pressure from my immediate family to fit into cultural norms wasn't there. With my immediate family, coming out as asexual, my mom understands and my dad doesn't care either way. 

 

In general from my closest friends and family- They know to some extent- but even before I knew the term aromantic, I thought the whole dating thing something other people do. 

 

Some of my closest friends know. Most of the time the subject doesn't even pop up. 

[Spud]

This isn't specifically about how I came out, but it's related (kind of my friend's "coming out").

 

So my friend is bi and they're pretty... open about it. So when someone else found out, they asked ME if I had a crush on my friend and automatically assumed we were dating. First of all, I can be friends with someone and not have them be attracted to me and second of all, their bi-ness does not reflect what orientation I am! Just because some of my friends are gay does not make me gay! Why can't people understand this?

[Guest Apple Cake]

deleted

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Don't feel guilty for sharing the truth with somebody. Sure, it crushes his hopes and feelings, but it's not your fault he feels that way. It's always better for someone to know these kinds of things sooner rather than later anyway. Would you rather him continue to crush on you for months without knowing? I think you did the right thing.

[aussiekirkland]

On 5 April 2016 at 11:42 PM, pengu said:

 

Yeah.. Most of mine are some kind of queer too. It's great that our parents are open-minded I guess? 

I think that happens with a lot of queer/not straight people. They just seem to be drawn together and when one person comes out the rest of the group comes out haha

[Elluna Hellen]

On 4-4-2016 at 6:15 AM, Starry Sky said:

(Gender coming out story) My favorite one because it was so casual and unplanned so it took stress away because I wasn't thinking about it -

 

Me: I like your face shape.

Brother: Thanks, I like your hair shape.

Me: Thank you.

Brother: (jokingly) I like how your gender is within the gender binary.

Me: It's not, it's outside of the gender binary within the agender... category.

Brother: *does his cute fake surprised face while gasping then continues with life as normal*

 

Ha, your brother sounds great

 

I once kind of accidentally/unplanned came out to my mum.

 

me: Sooo I don't think I'll really ever fall in love

My mum: Eh, you'll just fall for the right person!

me: Yeah but... I don't know I've never even had a tiny crush

Mum: Maybe you're just afraid of it, like you're scared of change and you're just repressing the feelings?

Me: But... Then I'd still feel it.

Mum: I guess. Well as long as you end up happy it's all good right?

 

Pretty okay response if you ask me!

[owl]

//

[Natkat]

On 4. april 2016 at 4:46 PM, Rayn said:

One of my close friends always has the greatest reaction, before I had completely figured out my identity I told her that I was definitely not straigh and she replied : "I don't care if you fall in love and marry a rock, I'll still come to the wedding, though that'd be a pretty boring ceremony. Also if you marry a rock you'll never feel obligated to shave your legs for someone." It's by far the most funny reaction I've gotten 

Sound like a litro wedding.

 

[Holmbo]

I haven't told anyone except my closest friends, and a few guys who were persistent in asking me out on a date.
It's not due to shyness or anything. It just hasn't come up. The closest thing I've come to the topic is when my mom and I talked about women having grandchildren and I was

curious how she'd feel if none of us kids had any children. If she'd be dissapointed. She said she wouldn't be and she'd totally respect our choices if we decided not to have any. I'll probably tell them at some point though. They'd be interested to know.

I agree with you who posted about coming out would be good just to spread the word to people who are aromantic without knowing that's a thing. Think how lucky we are to be born in a time of internet.

[techno]

It's funny, two of my best friends just kind of... know?? I never really outright told them. The knowledge just kind of came upon all three of us around the same time! I suppose they might consider that a high honor, having been part of the discovery.

 

The first person I ever actually came out to, I only came out to as ace, although I implied I was aro. It was to another one of my very close friends, who had a crush on me as it turns out. So he texted me, and in this long-winded, fake, drawn-out lie in which he told me his sister's friends all thought we should date and then proceeded to say "haha what if we did" and then when I freaked out he said he was lying, but only about part of it, and meanwhile I was texting aforementioned two best friends and panicking, soooo I told him I was acting weird not because of him but because I was asexual. Which isn't really using the proper definition of asexual, but it conveyed what I wanted to convey to someone whose reaction I could only guess blindly about, and I figured he would be more likely to know the word asexual than the word aromantic. I was right, and it was fine, and while I'm not sure he has any recollection of me coming out to him, we've still been good friends ever since.

 

The second time I came out was to three people: one was another best friend, who I'd already spoken to about being aro, just without using the words, a girl I was friends with at the time but have since drifted apart from, and another girl in our school's band. We were in a practice room after school before a parade or something, and we were discussing sexuality and gender since there was a presentation on it in health class (a story for another time). The topic of asexuality and the ace spectrum came up, and there was a lot of misinformation so I decided, okay, guess I'm coming out! So I did, as both ace and aro. My best friend is acutely aware of my aroace-ness though I don't think she quite understands labels, but that's okay because she's still super understanding and actually agrees with a lot of what I say. The girl I was friends with at the time kind of sounded like she pitied me, which was annoying, and then it was like she forgot (I think I've talked about her before on here... in fact I feel like I've talked about a lot of these people over and over). As for the third girl, she probably doesn't remember and that's honestly okay with me!

[LJ_84]

First time I kinda came out was when I was 17 but didn't know the term yet or that something like aromanticism even exists.
A friend told me that it was weird that I haven't had a boyfriend yet although I was "already" 17. (I'm afab) And she added "You haven't even kissed a boy yet!!!"
Me: "Why should I wanted to do that? It seems disgusting"
She:" So do you like girls then? I'd be fine with it as long as you don't crush on me" (sick)
Me: "No. I'm just not interested in romantic relationships with anyone."
She: "Naaah. You are just shy" -.-

Yeah...

Off topic: What bothers me a lot is, when people tell you how they see you "crush" on someone and won't change their opinion no matter how often you tell them "I just wanna be friends with them!" -.-

 

Just a few years ago I learned the term aromantic, and I then came out to my friends on FB with a poem Some of them didn't understand it really, and I got the "You will find someone one day!" "One day you meet someone and fall in love"-bullshit. I then explained again to my friend that this won't happen and I'm not into romantic relationships at all (I'm also romance repulsed) and then she got it.

Funny side note: After my coming outs, a talked with a friend I just had met, and mentioned the troubles you have when you try to explain asexuality and aromanticism to people, and she said "What do you think I had to hear from friends and family that I'm over 30 and never had a boyfriend?" I was like "Wait, what? You're aro ace too???" (She seems to not know the terms but explained it, so that's when I told her that there are terms for it.)

 

Gender coming out to a friend. I mentioned that I was afraid because of that some "friends" have stopped talking to me since I came out. He: "You worry to much about things. Everything is fine!" Gave me a brotherly hug and that was it. Later the night he wanted to introduce me to a friend of him and just called me his "buddy from Germany". I was like "Yo, now he's forgotten my name!" He clearly didn't want to misgender me.

Another friend told me in messenger after coming out: "Now I can say it. When we met first it was odd to see you in a dress. That just wasn't right. And I never could get used to your name. It hasn't suit you. You'll always be L. and a boy in my eyes!" <3

 

[iigolden]

Coming out? Well, I came out to my parents, siblings, and some of my friends and peers a while back. My parents accepted it pretty easily, because in my house romance isn't really accepted until I'm a lot older, and they know how terrible I would react to any sort of romance.  My friends accepted it, as did my siblings, but when some of my peers came to know, they...were not the same, to put it in the least. My favorite reaction by far was when one of my classmates knew I wasn't into guys, he automatically assumed I was into girls, and when I told him I wasn't he said I was probably beastsexual, into animals. You gotta be kidding, I don't even know about that, and he does, yet he has never heard of aromantics (or even asexuals for that matter)?! Just goes to show how much people know!  

[Untamed Heart]

I'm only out to about 4 people - my ex, two friends and my sister in law. My best friend accepted it, but don't think she really gets it. I kind of want to tell my mum, but I probably won't. She does know about a few of my boyfriends, including my ex, but when I was with him and I tried to discuss my 'off' feelings with her she said the stuff I'd been looking at online was making me think I didn't like him, or that my best friend (who is friends with both of us and she knew that) was trying to influence me. When really, the stuff I'd been looking at was actually me trying to find out why I felt so bad being with him.

Finding out I was lith wouldn't have helped us anyway, but the stuff I was finding was giving me false hope that it would work out.

I do love my mum but she would totally get the wrong idea. "Why did you get/stay with him?" "You can't dislike romance, you've had boyfriends!" (I could be wrong about her reaction, but I don't think she would understand).

[Holmbo]

On 2016-11-02 at 10:50 PM, iigolden said:

My favorite reaction by far was when one of my classmates knew I wasn't into guys, he automatically assumed I was into girls, and when I told him I wasn't he said I was probably beastsexual, into animals. You gotta be kidding, I don't even know about that, and he does, yet he has never heard of aromantics (or even asexuals for that matter)?! Just goes to show how much people know!  

That's crazy! I'd hate to hear what he goes to next.

I'm thinking about coming out to my parents. Not because my disinterest in relationships has ever come up with them. I think I could be single forever and they would never ask about it. They probably feel that it's my business who I do or do not date. But being aromantic is such a big factor in how I plan my life. Right now I'm looking for an apartment and I'm thinking about getting one with three rooms so I can find two flat mates to live with me. Because I don't plan to ever live with a partner and I don't think I would like living alone in the long run. So when I discuss my apartment plans I feel I should tell them but it feels a bit to complicated to bring up just as a side note while talking about estimated values or whatever. I think they might get kinda confused about the concept so I want to have a good moment to explain.

[lollipop]

On ‎4‎/‎4‎/‎2016 at 8:36 PM, thalia-rose-lovegood said:

me and my bff are writing a story together, and in the story "my" character is gay, so i texted her and said "hey, my character should come out with this pun: I"m a pretty good archer. I guess you could say I'm an ... AR(R)O(W) ACE" and then she was like "no, this character's aro, not that one," to which i replied "no you don't understand this is me coming out to you with a pun" at which point she died of laughter. that was a mess of a sentence and also that is my favorite pun ever. i come out to people with that pun. it has been by my side through thick and thin. i love puns

My friends love puns. I may steal this for future use

[iigolden]

On 11/19/2016 at 0:17 PM, Holmbo said:

I think they might get kinda confused about the concept so I want to have a good moment to explain.

Wow, that makes sense as to why you would want that. I wish you luck!

[Chloé]

I am aromantic and asexual, and I haven't come out to anyone yet, BUT I did imply it when my mother and I were talking about a romance movie. I told her I'm probably never gonna have a boyfriend and I really wasn't interested in being in a relationship. She replied with the "Oh, you know, you'll tell me that when you're 20. You just haven't found the one yet." I have done the same thing with my grandfather, and he replied with the same answer, laughing it off. My father had the same reaction, and so did my aunt. My closest friends had the same reaction, and continue thinking I have crushes on every single guy on Earth even though I clearly told them that I hate being shipped with other people. My little sister also thinks that I have had crushes on multiple people, while they were all wrong assumptions. 

 

Now, I'm fourteen (in 8th grade), and I'm considered "too young" to know anything about my sexual or romantic orientation or my gender. So now I'm starting to think they are right, and I need more time to find the right person for me. It's just that these standards and beliefs that loving someone romantically is such a huge part of being human really throw me off. And the fact that everyone laughs off who I am -or who I think I am- really hurts me. I feel so left out in my everyday life since romance is such a huge topic at school, at home, everywhere. My mother even said that if you don't love romantically, you're almost not human.

 

So right now I feel very confused, and I don't know who I am... but very recently, a boy confessed he had a crush on me, for the first time in my life. I told him I don't have a crush on anyone, and so I didn't like him. Just the thought of liking him back filled me with utter dread, and made my stomach feel sick. I am aromantic and asexual, and there's nothing wrong with that. The only problem is, no one seems to accept me, and I feel like I should just repress my feelings and never talk about it again, but that would only hurt me. So I wanna try talking to someone, even if they don't believe me. It's just, how do I explain to someone who thinks "true love" is 99.99% of being human what aromanticism is? Someone please help me!

[NullVector]

Hi Chloe, welcome to arocaylpse  

 

6 hours ago, Chloé said:

Now, I'm fourteen (in 8th grade), and I'm considered "too young" to know anything about my sexual or romantic orientation or my gender

 

You'll learn more as you get older, of course - but that applies to all of us, however old we get  Too young to know anything is a bit nonsensical to me, like saying you've learned nothing in 14 years! (has somebody actually said this to you?)

 

6 hours ago, Chloé said:

So now I'm starting to think they are right, and I need more time to find the right person for me.

 

They might be right. Then again, they might not! For example, by way of analogy, I've read things written by people who've said from quite a young age that they didn't ever want kids. Everyone told them they'd change their minds once they got older. Then, at some point, they became adults who'd never had kids. So it's probably possible to have ideas about this sort of thing from a young age (see this thread for some aro-specific examples). Just remain open to both possibilities, I guess (and hopefully your family can do the same).

 

6 hours ago, Chloé said:

And the fact that everyone laughs off who I am -or who I think I am- really hurts me

 

Is there anyone more neutral/nonjudgmental that you can talk to, that will give you more space to talk about your feelings? Like a close friend that you trust, for example? If not, you're welcome to continue talking to us here as well, of course.

 

6 hours ago, Chloé said:

My mother even said that if you don't love romantically, you're almost not human.

 

Hmm. I can see how a comment like that could be hurtful for you (I hope for your sake that she didn't mean it that way). The human experience is pretty broad. Some humans experience romantic love, some don't. They're both equally human; their humanity just gets expressed in different ways. At least, that's how I look at it. A great scientist or spiritual leader, for example, might not 'love' in a traditional 'romantic' sense, but they can give love back in other ways, like to humanity as a whole (their kind of love can be more general, rather than being directed towards a specific person).

 

6 hours ago, Chloé said:

Just the thought of liking him back filled me with utter dread, and made my stomach feel sick

 

I think I can relate here and recall feelings like this when I was your age. Although, unlike you, I would never have identified as asexual, I would become very anxious in situations where there was the slightest hint of 'romantic intent! (in my case, whenever I was with a girl I was attracted to, I both wanted something to happen and didn't want it to happen, at the same time - but since I'd never heard of sexual vs. romantic orientations, I was very confused for a long time!) So, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, I think you're lucky to have found some words and concepts to help understand some of these feelings, at a reasonably young age still.

 

6 hours ago, Chloé said:

So I wanna try talking to someone, even if they don't believe me. It's just, how do I explain to someone who thinks "true love" is 99.99% of being human what aromanticism is? Someone please help me!

 

You can try explaining and communicating your experience of being human to them , but really it's outside of your control whether they listen or try to understand - so don't beat yourself up if/when they don't make much effort to do so! Some people are just a bit closed-minded, unfortunately, or tend to over-generalize their own very specific ideas about what it is that makes people happy. Maybe they'll change their minds when they're older, eh?  Like I said, you can always carry on talking to us on here, if you're short on 'real life' people and you find it helps to have some people to bounce ideas off?