Questioning my gender

[ProbablyHuman]

Fair warning: I'm not entirely sure how to word all this and will probably explain it poorly. So, sorry about that.

I was born male and have identified as such for all my life. But recently I've started questioning myself. I've thought a lot about being female, and worried a lot about it, too. I thought about what I would name myself, and I've settled on what I'd name myself if I do transition at any point. I've worried a lot about transitioning, too, for example wondering about how I would transfer to a different school (I go to an all-male school currently) or how expensive a surgery could be (I never checked) or how much of my clothes I'd need to replace.. etc. The list goes on.

I don't know how I feel about the idea of being female, and I don't know how I feel about the idea of being male, either. I don't know if I'd be comfortable as a woman, but I don't know if I'm truely comfortable being a man, either.

I feel like I want to dress and maybe physically appear more feminine, like wearing a skirt or dress or maybe having more feminine body features, but I wouldn't be comfortable being referred to as a woman. I think that I'm probably somewhere in-between or neutral, like being genderfluid or agender, but I just don't know. Please help. If you need more information, ask me.

[illumi]

probably read into nonbinary[1][2][3]. genderfluid and agender are both under the nonbinary umbrella so i recommend u to understand the general concept first before researching into these specific labels. its also ok to experiment with pronouns and labels to know where exactly on the spectrum u sit

[EternallyTBD]

I know for me, I needed to start my transition and use different pronouns before I was able to be even close to confident about my gender, and I still don’t feel the need to find anything more specific than nonbinary. It’s a big step, but I’d say if you have an idea try different pronouns or even names with a few friends or even online, like here. It’s definitely ok to be unsure, I was very similar for a while and felt the need to figure everything out immediately. You’re not alone, and I’m sure you’ll figure it out!

[hemogoblin]

It's okay to take it slow. You don't need to know all the ins and outs of medical transition before you've even had time to actually explore your feelings or determine what it is you actually want.

Do you have any private space to try on the types of clothes you want to try? Would you be safe to only try these clothes on in a store fitting room (maybe tucked in between some clothes you'd typically wear -the workers need to know how many pieces you're trying, but they don't need to see what they all look like)? If you draw, have you thought about drawing yourself in these kinds of outfits? How about some more time thinking of yourself or writing about yourself (perhaps in the third person) trying out different names/pronouns/titles/genders? Have you heard of the Pronoun Dressing Room or tried it? Is there a PFLAG or similar type of group that hosts meeting in your area that you could access, even if you're not ready to talk about your feelings out loud yet?

Remember that no part of transition is required. You can be a woman with a stereotypical male name. You can be a man who wears dresses. You can sometimes prefer he/him and other times she/her. You can be a she/her man. You don't have to change your name or pronouns or go for a complete reassignment surgery. While there are SOME exceptions, like if you take HRT then you can't control which impacts you experience, generally your transition is completely up to you. Change what you want. Keep what you want. There's plenty of in between room to play with.

Good luck!

[ProbablyHuman]

Thanks for all the help, everyone, I really appreciate it. I've read into it a bit and taken a few tests and I'm pretty sure I'm agender, but not entirely sure. How can I kind of confirm with myself that I am? I just feel kind of confused and I'm scared to commit myself to it only to want to to back on it at some point.

I'm still really unsure.. 

[EternallyTBD]

For me, it helped to just try it out. I wasn’t confident in my gender until weeks after I started really coming out and using they/them pronouns. It’s really scary, but it’s worth a try and if you think this might be who you are I’d go for it with a few people who you trust will be ok with you changing things as you go if you feel the need to. 

[hemogoblin]

4 hours ago, ProbablyHuman said:

Thanks for all the help, everyone, I really appreciate it. I've read into it a bit and taken a few tests and I'm pretty sure I'm agender, but not entirely sure. How can I kind of confirm with myself that I am? I just feel kind of confused and I'm scared to commit myself to it only to want to to back on it at some point.

I'm still really unsure.. 

You can't. Identity is not something you can diagnose. It's not a math equation to be filled out. It's just a feeling. An experience. You don't need to confirm it.

Nobody knows 100% without any doubt. They can't. And they can't know what they feel now will always stay the same and their understanding of it will never change.

You don't need to "know" to identify a way. Here's what's important:

• What makes you happy?
• What makes you comfortable?
• How do you want to present? What terms do you want to use?

Labels are nothing more than simplified communication tools. They are meant to be broad and vast and vague and open because they are meant for a community of people to be able to go "yeah, I feel similarly" and connect and relate to each other. They are meant to boil down a vast, complex human experience to one general words to give others the vague idea of the feeling you want to communicate with them.

They are not meant to be something that fits 100% perfectly, no other words or explanation needed. They are not meant to be something immutable. They are not meant to be concrete and specific. They are not meant to be used only by those with the godliness of omniscience.

They are meant to be open for anyone who goes "oh hey, I think this would be a useful way to relate my experiences to others" to use. This idea that the cisallohet hegemony has shoved on to us that we must be able to prove our identity in a court of law, have 10 years experience, and have at least 30 backup documents of proof is nothing but harmful.

You're pretty sure you're agender? Guess what? You're agender! That's what identity is. Exploration. Experimentation. Adventuring. The boldness to dive forward and try it out. And if that leads to realizing that you think you're actually not agender? That's a good thing. That's learning more about yourself and your desires and your feelings and your comforts. There is nothing wrong with that.

None of us just come out confidently. The confidence comes through coming out and living life.