Jump to content
techno-trashcan

Friends "forgetting" you're aro...

Recommended Posts

Is this the right forum for this? Just move it if it's not, I'm really bad at this whole forum thing.

 

Anyway, something that's been really bugging me lately is how even after I come out so some people as aro/ace, they like... forget. This is mostly with one friend I have, but it's happened before too. It's like, I came out to her pretty nonchalantly in a discussion with a group of friends one time, and she kind of pretends it isn't important. I don't want her to make a big deal about it, but I kind of want it to be acknowledged?

 

Sometimes we'll be talking about something and she'll act like I'm straight, or at least allo, and she's like "haha is that your future husband" or "isn't that guy over there hot?"

Like. PLEASE STOP. My very close friends who know don't do this.

 

But at the same time... I feel like my identity always gets kind of brushed off by most people? They don't seem to forget or actively ignore it like that one friend does, but it seems like when I have something to say about it or I want to vent about something aro-related, it gets brushed off as just me being whiny.

 

Ugh. Advice? Validation? Agreement?

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh my god I have a friend who keeps insisting that "I'll find a girl someday" and links sappy romance stuff to me. I've been used to deflecting comments about being attracted to people of the wrong gender (before I came out as a transguy I came out as lesbian and people were still joking about boyfriend for me), but this is an entirely different struggle. I feel like I'm drowning in ICK sometimes. I can't believe I spent so much time trying to convince myself I was allo. 

 

Advice? I can't really give any that'll change ignoramuses' minds. People will think what they want to think. I try to hang out with more arospecs to balance out the constant invalidation and dismissal.

 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some people are just dense biscuits (quoting my cousin from yesterday's lunch haha). I don't think they are forgetting, they just don't believe you in the first place. This will get easier in time when your actions back up what you are telling them. If it's really getting obnoxious, then maybe it's time to make some new friends that trust you more.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ugh, if I were you, I'd just slap those people every time they say something obnoxious. If that doesn't jog their memory, then nothing will.

 

I wouldn't call people who are that blatantly disrespectful towards me "friends" at all...

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Argh! That is frustrating. I'm really sorry they are putting you through this. I am lucky that I put out an ace/aro vibe, so most people believe me. 

As for how to deal with it, what I would do is keep correcting them. When they say something about your future husband, say something along the lines of "I'm not going to get married." When someone says "isn't that guy hot?" just tell them that you're not the person to ask because you're asexual. If you have tried this, or if they still do this after you correct them, I would confront them about it. Tell them you wish they would trust that you know what you experience and what you want better than they do, and it's really invalidating when they keep ignoring what you have told them about yourself. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, omitef said:

I try to hang out with more arospecs to balance out the constant invalidation and dismissal.

That was very beneficial to me. Before spending times on Arocalypse, I always had this negative vibe surrounding me of "You should not be around 'normal people', you don't belong here, talking with them is a waste of time and energy, why are you even trying to become friends with them?". Then one day I came across this forum and I became more positive because:
1- I can finally relate to some other people, which is very helpful because I don't thing any non-aromantic will ever say anything helpful to me about aromanticism

2- I now realize how ignorant people truly are and can't really be mad at them for it anymore (don't get me wrong, I am still very disappointed by it)

3- I am now a lot more confident with being aromantic, therefore, invalidating comments or anything else of the sort just seems insignificant and do not have any impact on me anymore.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

omg this happents to me alot -__-

as I think about it it seams there are different type of people. 

 

I had those I didnt dirrectly told I was aro, I just simple said I never wanted to get marriage and so and they complitely ignored it with the typical "some day" talk.. I think those people simple dont believe you its that simple.

 

the other type of friends was people I DID told I was aro. however they acted like the aro part wasnt really a big deal. One acted like being aro was a good thing because I "did not have feelings" not to mentioned she showed romance in my face which was kinda wierd when I told her im aro and she dont know if im repulsed or not.... hmm). 

 

 the other person acted hmm more neutral but they didnt really seams to understand anything of how it could be being aro. Somethimes they would say sentense like.. "but if you had a boyfriend wouldnt you prefer being more with them than the friends" "cant you understand this or that" No I cant.. thats the point I dont understand why allo do this.

 

I dont think its so much they dont believe me, but simple that they dont know how being aro infect a persons life.

 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks guys for responding! Glad I'm not the only one who deals with this type of person.

 

3 hours ago, omitef said:

I try to hang out with more arospecs to balance out the constant invalidation and dismissal.

 

I wish I knew more aroaces in real life, but I'm the only one (that I know of; still holding out hope) I know. :gasp:

 

35 minutes ago, Natkat said:

Somethimes they would say sentense like.. "but if you had a boyfriend wouldnt you prefer being more with them than the friends" "cant you understand this or that" No I cant.. thats the point I dont understand why allo do this.

 

I dont think its so much they dont believe me, but simple that they dont know how being aro infect a persons life.

 

I feel the same way, this happens to me all the time! "Well just pretend" no if I pretend I feel like I'm lying to myself. I hate how so many non-aro people expect you to pretend to be something you're not, whether it's because they don't believe you or because they just don't understand, just so they can relate to you. Like, no, I shouldn't have to live a lie just because other people can't modify their language and the way they look at things in order to be more accommodating to the existences of aros and aces. Being aroace isn't just a characteristic of my personality, it's a part of me; I cannot feel romantic attraction, or sexual attraction. I can't pretend "what if I did" in order to accommodate their useless badgering just because they can't accept that just because my orientation isn't outwardly expressed, doesn't mean it isn't very real to me.

 

Sorry, turned into a little bit of a rant there. This has just been on my mind lately.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have some family members who do this.  Thankfully, they live in Saskatchewan, while I live in Ontario... a good 3 or 4 days of driving or an expensive airplane ride away.  We mostly communicate by phone and facebook, but I ended up unfollowing them due to two of them sharing memes/comments that are homophobic, antifeminist, racist, and just plain old hateful and ignorant and the other one having the nerve to 'like' my posts and shares about LGBT+, asexual, animal rights, atheist, and feminist issues while still sharing homophobic, fundy-religious-motivated hate, antifemnist shit herself.  I just couldn't handle that level of hypocrisy.  I didn't realize just how tense I'd been getting about seeing their shit on facebook until I no longer had to.

Still, they phone now and then, and even though I'm openly ace and aro, especially online, they still pull the tired old 'Are you seeing anyone?', 'When will we be coming out there for your wedding?', 'Do you have a boyfriend at the moment?' shit.  Bugger it all!  I'm 40!  I haven't bothered trying to date since I was in my early 20s!  I'm open and out as being asexual and aromantic!  Seriously... does anything there suggest that I'm seeking romance?  For crying out loud!  

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, omitef said:

 I try to hang out with more arospecs to balance out the constant invalidation and dismissal.

I don't think I have encountered any aro people other than Internet forums.

Seems to go one of two ways.
a) Assume that I am also ace, thus don't want anything sexual (or sensual).
b) Assume that I'm just waiting for "THE ONE".

 

Even after explaining exactly where I'm coming from. Also that because I'm socially inept (and very non-normative) I would actually welcome being 'set up'...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know a couple of people like that... I feel like those people are the ones that never believed me in the first place. So they try to pretend that I never said anything. Or they think that it's a phase or something? Or that I was looking for attention, and that by now I've surely forgotten about it? I don't know... I agree with Blue Phoenix - they are dense biscuits. xD I'm stealing that.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

     Science Fact: Aromantics and asexuals secrete a substance that causes short term memory loss. This substance gets stronger when the person thinks more about being ace/aro, hence people around them tending to only be affected when the person brings up their asexuality and/or aromanticism in conversation. This is just one of many superpower-like qualities asexuals and aromantics posses, such as invisibility.

     OK, not really. But I like to think of it as a superpower. Although admittedly a counterproductive one.

     I find that I have to very explicitly state that I am asexual aromantic in order for people to take it seroiusly and remember. I understand not wanting to make a big deal of it, but if you want the acknowledgement, you may need to have a not so casual discussion where you clearly state that you are ace aro.

     Sort of unrelated story, but I want to tell it anyway. I told one of my friends over text that I am asexual. He has a terrible memory, but it seemed to be important to both of us. He admitted the next day that he was "starting to develop feelings for" me. I didn't say that I am aromantic (too much explaining), but I said that I hadn't even had a crush in years. A year later we were talking about our futures, and he starts talking about relationships. And he says that he can't wait to see what kind of person I'll be in a relationship with. I made some joke about how I would be calling him when I go off to college and telling him about my life with my husband. His reaction was: "Your what? Your WHAT!?!". Did he forget that I'm ace aro? Did he ignore that I'm ace aro? Does he know more about asexuality than I think he does and thinks I'm not aro? Does he think I'm a lesbian and using asexuality as an excuse to not come out and I'll get married to a girl? Does he remember that time I was talking about finding my soulmate, and my best friend explained that I can have a non-romantic soulmate, and he thinks I'll end up with someone, but not married? The world may never know. But I can hope it's the last one. Ugh, I need to take my own advice and have a serious conversation with him. But he's so awkward about this kind of thing...

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
57 minutes ago, Juno said:

     Science Fact: Aromantics and asexuals secrete a substance that causes short term memory loss. This substance gets stronger when the person thinks more about being ace/aro, hence people around them tending to only be affected when the person brings up their asexuality and/or aromanticism in conversation. This is just one of many superpower-like qualities asexuals and aromantics posses, such as invisibility.

Probably why aces and aros are called 'invisible orientations' ;)

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2 August 2016 at 8:01 AM, Quinoa said:

When someone says "isn't that guy hot?" just tell them that you're not the person to ask because you're asexual.

My friends used to do that a lot so I'd just laugh and say something like "how would I know?" And eventually they stopped asking me cause they wanted mutual admiration over an attractive person, not to be shut down haha :aropridepapo:

On 2 August 2016 at 8:28 AM, Ugh... said:

That was very beneficial to me. Before spending times on Arocalypse, I always had this negative vibe surrounding me of "You should not be around 'normal people', you don't belong here, talking with them is a waste of time and energy, why are you even trying to become friends with them?". Then one day I came across this forum and I became more positive because:
1- I can finally relate to some other people, which is very helpful because I don't thing any non-aromantic will ever say anything helpful to me about aromanticism

2- I now realize how ignorant people truly are and can't really be mad at them for it anymore (don't get me wrong, I am still very disappointed by it)

3- I am now a lot more confident with being aromantic, therefore, invalidating comments or anything else of the sort just seems insignificant and do not have any impact on me anymore.

Before I found Arocalypse I was sad and bitter because I felt like I couldn't relate to any of my friends. Now having a community I can relate to on that level I see it's not such a huge part of my relationships with others. It's all about finding balance :)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@aussiekirkland Yeah, always shutting down those questions is good for just establishing that you're not gonna apply your opinions to that and it's all in perseverance and as much as I try to blot it out, not knowing anyone even close to aro irl is so peak. I really envy the people on this site who know each other irl tbh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is more related to being ace than Aro...

My heterosexual heteroromantic friend decides to tell me they broke up with their most recent girlfriend because of sexual reasons. (Why do I have to know this information??)O.o

 

Then they proceed to tell me that they've given up on dating. 

I pretty much did the messaging equivalent of backing away slowly. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So, kind of an update and more of me ranting because I'm kind of frustrated at my life right now:

 

I talk to that one friend less and less every day, to the point where we're not really friends anymore, though for reasons mostly unrelated to the whole aro thing. But I'm starting to become more aware of how other non-aro people treat the idea of my aromanticism (and to a lesser extent my asexuality). To put it simply, I feel like it gets so swept under the rug and treated as not important. I'm becoming more aware of other people's accidental aphobia stemming from the fact that they don't understand how aro and ace people feel, or maybe because it's not prevalent enough to them for it to matter. And I love my close friends and I know that nothing they say is meant to hurt me, but sometimes I sit there and even though I'm out to them it's like there's an invisible closet door that won't go away, and I don't know whether my opinion is wanted or whether I can share my experiences without it being too much information, or that I'm talking too much about my orientation.

 

Two of my best friends and I were talking about romantic relationships and feelings and stuff, and it was like I couldn't say everything that I wanted to say because the words made my tongue feel thick like I couldn't get the words out as if I was afraid even though they both know (or at least should know) that I'm aro/ace.

 

It just... really disturbed me.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I go through that when I come out to people and they brush it off. Mostly because they just think I haven't met "the one." I find that very few people I come out to take it seiously.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I'm friends with @Bipolar Bear. Mum found this out, and since then (even though she know's I'm aro) she's had me and Bear married with kids and stuff. She even went as far as looking up flight costs for us. We both find it hilarious after the fact, but when it's actually happening it's all of the annoying even though it's technically teasing. Especially after today, when mum told my nan. Nan doesn't know I'm aro (and neither know I'm ace), but today she said "you have to get thinking about the proposal so you can have kids".

 

Why can't they let us be friends!?

 

EDIT - So Bear just suggested I play "Why Can't We Be Friends" by Smash Mouth every time the topic comes up from now on. I just might!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...