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Sooty Owl

Things you've never understood about romance

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@Ice Queen I think people just like the idea of "love at first sight" so much, especially as it's too often touted in the media as ~the BEST thing to ever happen to you!!!!!!!!!!!~ Ugh, it's so annoying.

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To be honest, it feels like just acting on a mutual crush immediately and being lucky. The expectations help cement the relationship as a thing that comes out the other end as opposed to a one night fling.

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18 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

I don't understand how on earth it is possible for one to feel a connection to someone they've just met or whom they don't know well and I don't understand why there have to be expectations right from the start.

What I find rather disturbing here is the time scale over which allos make this "connection".
Even those who have a history of being taken advantage of by romantic partners and/or struggle with trusting friends can do this kind of thing.

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5 hours ago, Mark said:

Even those who have a history of being taken advantage of by romantic partners and/or struggle with trusting friends can do this kind of thing.

I forget the name right now but this is a thing that's recognised as a specific, unhealthy thing. 

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On 25/05/2017 at 3:59 AM, TheGreatUnstitched said:

Ohhh that thing that couples do where they like seeing their significant other in their clothes. Like it's just your shirt??? On them? Why do you like this so much? Although I do feel like this might just be coming from that it's a trope in a lot of fanfiction. 

I used to want to date lots of boys from the surrounding private schools so I could have a collection of school blazers in my wardrobe......but I don't think that is the same thing....maybe I got caught up in the trope fandom in my own aro way....

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Just now, Apathetic Echidna said:

I used to want to date lots of boys from the surrounding private schools so I could have a collection of school blazers in my wardrobe......but I don't think that is the same thing....maybe I got caught up in the trope fandom in my own aro way....

To be perfectly honest, if I weren't romance-repulsed, dating someone for the express purpose of stealing their nice clothes is totally something I could see myself doing. I just have a weakness for really nice jackets, okay? :P

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10 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

To be perfectly honest, if I weren't romance-repulsed, dating someone for the express purpose of stealing their nice clothes is totally something I could see myself doing. I just have a weakness for really nice jackets, okay? :P

ha ha, yeah! go speed dating and the first question you ask is what size clothing the other person wears so you have a better chance of stealing clothes that fit!

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ahhh so many of these.  can i just say, you guys are awesome, it's so cool being able to talk about this stuff with people who get it.  or in this case, don't get it, i guess.  anyway, so as not to be too repetitive, i'll just acknowledge the mentions of normative monogamy and say that i think that ties into amatonormativity a lot.  being aro and poly, the whole thing is just wild to me.  the whole 'one true love' ideal strikes me as absolutely preposterous.

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So many things I don't understand about romantic people!

 

  • Why there has to be this complicated dance around hooking up but still being friends. Some people will hook up, but refuse to talk to you outside of a sexual context - like, I don't want a relationship?? Why can't we just hang out as friends and watch a movie and hook up later? And if we do just hang out, why do alloro people make it full of weird vibes? 
  • Ghosting. I hate this so much. If I am investing my time and emotional energy into someone, I don't want to be left hanging. Like if we've already established that there is no 'relationship goal' and it's all for fun and friendship, why ghost? It just doesn't make any sense. 
  • If the sex isn't good, why stay together? I have a friend who constantly moans that her partner is too vanilla, and the sex is dull, and they don't want to try anything she's into. So why...? I know I'm a sexually-energetic aro, but seriously - why would you want to suffer boring sex for (presumably) the rest of your life? 
  • Why they always think things can be 'worked out'. It seems like they're always working something out. Sorry, but if your partner is dull and hates your family and isn't interested in anything that you like to do, why are you investing so much time into making it 'work'??
  • Engagements and weddings - why go into debt for something so fleeting? Like buy a house instead - it'll still be there in five years when you divorce and kick them out. 
  • Why romance is given such prominence in almost every single book and movie. There are more interesting things in life. Like crocodilians. 
  • Shipping. And being emotionally invested in a 'ship' and defending it within an inch of its life and putting so much energy into justifying the very existence of a 'ship'. 
  • What even is dating. What constitutes a 'date'. What elements make it a date. What makes it different from doing an activity with someone that you enjoy being around (or want to be around more).

Ugh, amatonormativity. Romance is more trouble than its worth - why do so many people think it's the be-all and end-all of human existence? 

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1 hour ago, ladyasym said:
  • Why there has to be this complicated dance around hooking up but still being friends. Some people will hook up, but refuse to talk to you outside of a sexual context - like, I don't want a relationship?? Why can't we just hang out as friends and watch a movie and hook up later? And if we do just hang out, why do alloro people make it full of weird vibes? 

As well as calling a purely sexual relationship/series of hookups a "Friends With Benefits" whilst deliberately trying to avoid actually being friends.

 

1 hour ago, ladyasym said:
  • If the sex isn't good, why stay together? I have a friend who constantly moans that her partner is too vanilla, and the sex is dull, and they don't want to try anything she's into. So why...? I know I'm a sexually-energetic aro, but seriously - why would you want to suffer boring sex for (presumably) the rest of your life? 

There's also those who seem unable to be single. They'd rather be in a poor (even abusive) relationship.

 

1 hour ago, ladyasym said:
  • Engagements and weddings - why go into debt for something so fleeting? Like buy a house instead - it'll still be there in five years when you divorce and kick them out. 

The reception bit as a big party sort of makes sense. But the rest of it....
 

1 hour ago, ladyasym said:
  • Why romance is given such prominence in almost every single book and movie. There are more interesting things in life. Like crocodilians. 

Even where it adds little to characters or plot.
 

1 hour ago, ladyasym said:
  • Shipping. And being emotionally invested in a 'ship' and defending it within an inch of its life and putting so much energy into justifying the very existence of a 'ship'. 

When they have no control over these characters. Not like they are LARP or tabletop RPG characters.
 

1 hour ago, ladyasym said:
  • What even is dating. What constitutes a 'date'. What elements make it a date. What makes it different from doing an activity with someone that you enjoy being around (or want to be around more).

Not sure you could call it a "one on one meet up to see if you might be interested in kissing, sex, Shibari, etc with me later" though :)

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I personally don't understand the cultural mandating of romantic love as the "highest love". Like, I don't get why friendships are not more special and whatnot. I would rather be friends with a person than having to date them and take them to expensive dinners and movies. For real, what is the deal with dressing up and going out to movies and stuff? Why is that romantic? That seems like a waste of time in the most superfluous thing. 

 

I feel culture should idealize friendships and buddy relationships more. Romance seems so strange to me really. Plus, with all the divorce going around, it seems like friendships last longer overall.

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11 hours ago, TygerSongbird said:

I feel culture should idealize friendships and buddy relationships more. Romance seems so strange to me really. Plus, with all the divorce going around, it seems like friendships last longer overall.

 

I'm more and more starting to feel this way, especially that first sentence.

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6 hours ago, Ace of Amethysts said:

 

I'm more and more starting to feel this way, especially that first sentence.

Cool! Glad someone agrees. I hate how this culture acts and accuses single people of being defected or incomplete beings without another person around.

 

"Are you married?"-Nope

 

"Are you seeing someone?"-Nope

 

"When are you getting married?"-Never

 

"What's wrong with you?!!" 

 

"You must be so miserable!"

 

"Oh, my gosh, he's this old and he's not married, he's not dating anyone, he's single?!! Wow, he must be (insert all derogatory statements) (gay, serial killer, gay serial killer, creepy, stalker, psycopath, pedophile, predator, etc). Yeah

 

It simply cannot be that I don't want to be in a relationship, and I have no desire to be either. Hey, at least they don't ask if I'm a virgin. Boy, would that get a whole host of lovely answers.

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Chocolate is the silver lining to everything! Except lactose intolerance/allergy.

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Hi, I never understand how a person can know someone for years and be like the perfect person for you but they feel in love with a person than they just meet and don't know nothing about it. I saw it in many movies and people around me, how like have someone that say that is perfect for them but not because the are friends, and later the are sad because the person that the just meet isn't what the expect.

And other is people how need to have a crush or be in love to be happy.

Or this people who like to date bad boys or girls because they think that they can fix them, like why they date them in the first place if they want to change them?

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So I was supervising little kids over the holidays and they ended up watching some trash movie that has a romantic love power ballad every 2 minutes in the last half of the movie, it was sickening and made no sense. Talk about seeding unrealistic ideation into under 10 year olds minds. ~ most of the plot (if you can call it that) was all about love potions and true love.......not even Shrek 2 was that bad. Most parents approved of this movie for their kids, so does this mean they think it is okay or normal? or maybe that they just had too many post-New Year's BBQ social lubrication drinks...

Also I'll just say

On 16/01/2018 at 9:42 AM, TygerSongbird said:

For real, what is the deal with dressing up and going out to movies and stuff? Why is that romantic? That seems like a waste of time in the most superfluous thing. 

it is the most funnest thing to do with your best buddies! Especially movie previews and special screenings. There is a certain self-fulfilment factor that can be tapped into when you see premiers with friends as the session isn't tainted as a 'date' or tarnished in the veil of memories by a bad break up. 

 

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On 16/01/2018 at 5:25 PM, Zorcodtoa said:

Romance would be better if we'd stop romanticising it, especially in such an egocentric fashion.

Precisely this. I find it really interesting that the verb we use to denote being unhealthily obsessed with something but ignorant of the "unhealthily" part (à la rose-coloured glasses) is related to the noun we use to label romantic relationships. But that's a different topic, I suppose!

 

One thing I have never understood about romance is that one-track obsession. A lot of my problems with typical romance are the same problems I have with gender roles/stereotypes and capitalism: the weird power and control fantasies, the idea of owning a valuable commodity and showing it off to seem "wealthier" (I'm reminded of people rating partners, like, "my girlfriend's a 10")... just like an obsession with wealth, where wealth has a really unhealthy definition in this context because people are not objects. (Furthermore, wealth is not an indicator of you 'winning at life,' necessarily.)

 

I've noticed that I support my friends' romantic endeavors when these aforementioned themes aren't present. What gets me is that their relationships, though, are often seen as atypical romantic experiences in the grand scheme of things. Sorry this is so long btw! I have many thoughts...

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21 minutes ago, running.tally said:

One thing I have never understood about romance is that one-track obsession. A lot of my problems with typical romance are the same problems I have with gender roles/stereotypes and capitalism: the weird power and control fantasies, the idea of owning a valuable commodity and showing it off to seem "wealthier" (I'm reminded of people rating partners, like, "my girlfriend's a 10")... just like an obsession with wealth, where wealth has a really unhealthy definition in this context because people are not objects. (Furthermore, wealth is not an indicator of you 'winning at life,' necessarily.)

 

I agree. It seems that a lot of people view romantic relationships as something they need to have in order to be succesful in life. You know, the whole thing about being a loser if you don't have a partner? It sounds extreme, but i've known a lot of people over the years who seem to want romantic partners only because they "have to", and not because it's something they want. So it really makes sense to compare it to other stereotypes related to power and capitalism and so-called success. I wouldn't say that people don't love their partners, but i think that lots ofthem would relate different to the idea of romance if they weren't pressured into it by society. Amatonormativity and the whole idea of us being somehow incomplete without a partner is really messed up, and it's so hard to escape it. As an aromantic, i think a lot about it, and about how i'm considering to be failing at life, because i have nor want a romantic partner. I'm sure a lot of people here get it!

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21 minutes ago, running.tally said:

One thing I have never understood about romance is that one-track obsession. A lot of my problems with typical romance are the same problems I have with gender roles/stereotypes and capitalism: the weird power and control fantasies, the idea of owning a valuable commodity and showing it off to seem "wealthier"


Interesting that you mention this.
To me, there is a close link between the ideal of romantic partnership, and capitalism ...

 

Romance is very expensive, it takes all your life and energy to be up to the the ideal of a romantic partnership in a nuclear family.
The romantic dream sells lots and lots and lots of consumer goods, it is a 'driving force' for the market nowadays.
Besides, as the romantic relationship (as I read somewhere) devaluates all other relationships, it is not easy for those of us who disagree with the consumption culture ...
If we get into a romantic relationship, we're trapped, so to speak ...

(PS - I hope my reply makes a little sense, I am not english, and I an a bit out of practice in writing in english ... )
 

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Yes, @byebyeshadowlands and @Old Goat, you both sum up my feelings perfectly!!

 

I think romantic relationships can be lovely and healthy (hell, I even find myself shipping fictional characters romantically sometimes), but not if they're built off of inequity or used as a means to advertise products. Romantic relationships should be rewarding in and of themselves, I think, and not rely on arbitrary and prescribed notions of what HAS TO be to be seen as legitimate.

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What I don't get is this whole thing of "chemistry". I don't know what that word means. Like are we talking beakers and graduated cylinders, really? I don't know what people mean by chemistry. Shouldn't you just like them if they're a really nice and sweet person? What does it mean if you have chemistry? I don't get why you just can't like people and be kind to them.

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