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Sooty Owl

Things you've never understood about romance

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23 hours ago, Ettina said:

 

The emotion isn't work, the relationship is. I totally get this, because every relationship requires work, especially if you live with the person. I argue with my parents and sometimes my brother, and we all work really hard to get along better, because we love each other and we live together. 

As someone who still lives at home I totally get this

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Something I don't understand - why other girls are sometimes slightly annoyed when you don't like their (new) boyfriend. You'd think they'd be pleased! I remember one of my friends texting me about her new boyfriend, Jimbo, showed me a photo and asked what I thought of him. I just said, if you like him that's really what matters, isn't it?

(Mind you, it's probably my fault for half expecting a photo of Jimbo from the Simpsons, rather than someone who looked like the unfortunate offspring of a pizza and a potato...)

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2 hours ago, Untamed Heart said:

Something I don't understand - why other girls are sometimes slightly annoyed when you don't like their (new) boyfriend. You'd think they'd be pleased! I remember one of my friends texting me about her new boyfriend, Jimbo, showed me a photo and asked what I thought of him. I just said, if you like him that's really what matters, isn't it?

unfortunately, I don't think romance is the cause here, but rather the need of a friends approval. If you disapprove, this means that her choice might not be as good as she thought. As weird as this might seem, to some humans the thought of making a bad choice or to be considered as having bad taste is unbearable.

 

Also, yeah Jimbo from the simpsons would have been awesome!

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Why when breaking up with someone is "it's not you, it's me" an unreasonable answer? If you are not happy or in a position to be in a stable relationship does the other person not respect that sometimes it just doesn't work out? It's not a cliche if it's true. 

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To be honest, I nearly did use that line when I broke up with my ex, and avoided doing so partly because of it being a cliche (even though it was true) :P 

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6 hours ago, Untamed Heart said:

To be honest, I nearly did use that line when I broke up with my ex, and avoided doing so partly because of it being a cliche (even though it was true) :P 

I had the same struggle when breaking up with my ex. Eventually I just used school as an excuse because it was something he could believe. 

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On 08/02/2017 at 2:06 AM, Untamed Heart said:

To be honest, I nearly did use that line when I broke up with my ex, and avoided doing so partly because of it being a cliche (even though it was true) :P 

I basically used that line when breaking up with an ex, though I backed it up with an explanation (that I wasn't attracted to him and it 100% wasn't his fault) and how much I appreciated his companionship

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I do not understand how it's just assumed/expected that two people in a romantic relationship will instantly have a much stronger bond than friendship. Like, I'll be friends with someone for a really long time, put a lot of time and energy into getting to know them because I care about them and then suddenly they start dating someone and their time with that person becomes so much more valuable than their time with me or other friends. Or people who will confide so much in their significant other that they won't share with their friend. I will never get how the relationship you have with  some person you started dating three weeks ago takes precedence over friends you've had for years. 

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On 8/9/2016 at 5:29 PM, Snapdragon said:

Personally I'll never understand the difference between flirting and being kind to someone. Society tells us to be kind to everyone, but when you do it they think it means that you want to be romantically involved????? 

I have literally had to have a friend explain to me that someone was flirting with me after we walked away from them.  Oops.

 

Or vice versa that they thought i was firting with THEM when I was just interested in the conversation and I thought we were getting to be friends.  And then I have to avoid that person forever to also avoid the inevitable awkwardness/my own internal freakout.

On 8/25/2016 at 4:03 AM, Rising Sun said:

Because they can't decide to like somebody or not. And they have no control over the things they like. Crushes are an involuntary visceral experience, and I'd say even much more than simple physical attraction as they trigger feelings of attachment. The person has a list of things they like in a person, including things that they never consciously chose, and even things that they wish weren't in the list. A crush is merely their instinct saying "you've got a match" in some kind of harsssing way and forcing them to get attached to the target. Mind spamming. I can imagine how it can be annoying to have it. I'd say it's like hunger or pain, it's almost impossible to suppress it once it's there.

"MIND SPAMMING"  oh man, I will forever call it that in my head now, thank you!  Hahahaha.

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Personally, I've never been able to grasp the purpose of dating. I can't tell from the start whether or not I'd like to pursue a relationship with someone I don't know well, let alone someone whom I don't know at all! I don't feel comfortable with it because the person who'd ask me out clearly feels that "spark", so there are certain expectations I am supposed to live up to right from the start!!! Besides, I don't get why we have to make extra efforts in order to try to impress the other person (dressing differently than usual, going to expensive places, etc.), and I don't understand the point of those "games" (if s/he replies to my message X hours later, I'll do the same ; why doesn't s/he call me already?! ; I'm just going to ignore him/her to see what happens). Why can't we just let things happen naturally by chatting, hanging out like friends do, and coming to each other's house?xD 

 

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9 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

I don't feel comfortable with it because the person who'd ask me out clearly feels that "spark", so there are certain expectations I am supposed to live up to right from the start!!!

Sorry, off-topic, but I wonder what this “spark” actually feels like? It's not a crush yet, but some kind of precursor, right? I confused it with appreciation of someone's beauty, but it can't be that easy. There wouldn't be a special word for it.

On 4/16/2017 at 8:59 PM, TheGreatUnstitched said:

I do not understand how it's just assumed/expected that two people in a romantic relationship will instantly have a much stronger bond than friendship. Like, I'll be friends with someone for a really long time, put a lot of time and energy into getting to know them because I care about them and then suddenly they start dating someone and their time with that person becomes so much more valuable than their time with me or other friends. Or people who will confide so much in their significant other that they won't share with their friend. I will never get how the relationship you have with  some person you started dating three weeks ago takes precedence over friends you've had for years. 

Oh, yes. And I also didn't understand the converse of it: the sheer nastiness of many breakups. How can you feel contempt or even hate for somebody after sharing your life with them for ten years, if they didn't do something really bad?

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@DeltaV By "spark" I meant whatever feeling alloromantics claim it urges them to pursue a relationship with that person. Like the crush. I can only tell you what it feels like based on Internet research since I'm aromantic all the way and never experience that myself. 

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@Ice Queen

Totally agree with everything you said about dating! I've never done it myself (I'm not really comfortable with the concept and I just don't think it would work for me - for the reasons you said). I tried to make new friends instead (with that potentially leading to something sexual - or not).

 

I think somebody should make a 'dating' app that lets you 'date' as friendship groups. So, your group of friends meets up with another group of friends and goes out on a 'date' together. I think that would get rid of a lot of the assumptions, expectations and games that seem to exist around conventional dating. And it would be less pressure than a one-on-one situation (then maybe if you get to know someone well in that context you might want to see them one-on-one as well - but since you already know each other fairly well by now, there won't be all sorts of pre-assumed nonsense!)

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Hmm... well... I guess one thing is I always try to think about the purpose of a romantic relationship and I do that by looking at my friends who are mostly all in one or have been in one before. My friend right now is very worried that when her boyfriend moves to Japan for a year, he won't be able to support her "emotional needs." Right now they still live in separate time zones (Chicago vs. New York) but apparently Japan makes this different. So that got me thinking about who supports my "emotional needs" I suppose. I ask my parents for advice on things and sometimes I also ask my friends for advice and appreciate candid responses. I rant sometimes and appreciate someone listening. I don't see why someone being in Japan (one of my best friends has lived in Taiwan for quite some time now and we talk daily) would prevent them from giving advice or listening to rants. She later specified that she likes to be doted on and "feel loved" which is something I can't relate to and have difficulty understanding. I "feel loved" by my friend in Taiwan and my parents in Philadelphia. Distance doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. 

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On 01/05/2017 at 2:05 PM, NullVector said:

I think somebody should make a 'dating' app that lets you 'date' as friendship groups. So, your group of friends meets up with another group of friends and goes out on a 'date' together. I think that would get rid of a lot of the assumptions, expectations and games that seem to exist around conventional dating. And it would be less pressure than a one-on-one situation (then maybe if you get to know someone well in that context you might want to see them one-on-one as well - but since you already know each other fairly well by now, there won't be all sorts of pre-assumed nonsense!)

 

That is the most amazing idea, if there was such an app existing I would applied right away ! :D

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On 5/1/2017 at 8:29 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

Hmm... well... I guess one thing is I always try to think about the purpose of a romantic relationship and I do that by looking at my friends who are mostly all in one or have been in one before. My friend right now is very worried that when her boyfriend moves to Japan for a year, he won't be able to support her "emotional needs." Right now they still live in separate time zones (Chicago vs. New York) but apparently Japan makes this different. So that got me thinking about who supports my "emotional needs" I suppose. I ask my parents for advice on things and sometimes I also ask my friends for advice and appreciate candid responses. I rant sometimes and appreciate someone listening. I don't see why someone being in Japan (one of my best friends has lived in Taiwan for quite some time now and we talk daily) would prevent them from giving advice or listening to rants. She later specified that she likes to be doted on and "feel loved" which is something I can't relate to and have difficulty understanding. I "feel loved" by my friend in Taiwan and my parents in Philadelphia. Distance doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. 

To be fair, I can say from experience that past a certain point, time zones definitely start making a big difference--I'm currently in Paris, my QPP is in Florida, and one of my other best friends is in Chicago, and it makes communicating a lot more difficult, especially when all of us have our own schedules to attend to. I've still managed to stay fairly close to them, though, so the argument that distance makes it impossible to fulfill "emotional needs" doesn't quite hold water. (Of course, it could be argued that in order to have emotional needs one has to have emotions in the first place, a concept which is questionably applicable to me at best, but that's neither here nor there...)

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On 31/07/2016 at 10:01 AM, Sooty Owl said:

I, for one, can't possibly understand how a lot of people seem to find extreme jealousy romantic. I just saw a post where a guy said that if a girl wanted to marry him she'd have to cut off all contact with other boys and everyone was gushing about how the fact that he was so protective was romantic and cute...

No it's not, it's abusive.

I totally get this! Whenever people would say "ohh I'm just not happy with him/her/them seeing x person because y". My answer (pre realising I'm Aro) has always been "... Why are you with this person if you don't trust them?" or "Why would they bother dating you if they want someone else?"

Yes, It's creepy and abusive and reminds me of *shudder* Twilight..

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On 4/16/2017 at 11:59 AM, TheGreatUnstitched said:

I do not understand how it's just assumed/expected that two people in a romantic relationship will instantly have a much stronger bond than friendship. Like, I'll be friends with someone for a really long time, put a lot of time and energy into getting to know them because I care about them and then suddenly they start dating someone and their time with that person becomes so much more valuable than their time with me or other friends. Or people who will confide so much in their significant other that they won't share with their friend. I will never get how the relationship you have with  some person you started dating three weeks ago takes precedence over friends you've had for years. 

THIS!

Sorry friends, but I have some unpacking to do.

So, to start, let me say that I'm really restrictive about who I consider "Best friends". There's only four of them, and one of those is my brother. So, my brother and my other oldest best friend, we'll call her Pearl, didn't really get along at first. Well, two Christmases ago, that changed. Last year they started dating. Now, lots of things weren't going great, and it didn't help that we were all living in the same tiny apartment (their dating is chaste, by the way, so I didn't have to worry about THAT), but Pearl, who had already been talking to me less than she had previously, simply stopped confiding in me at all. Keep in mind, I have been friends with her for years, I have supported her through chronic depression and suicidal thoughts, and at many points was her only close friend.

But she's got a boyfriend now, so who needs that, huh? Nice end to my first squish. I've been so freaking conflicted, because I've worked so hard over the years to suppress any negative opinions of her, because she has enough people (herself included) telling her that she's bad, and now it's so much harder because the squish is gone and I'm frustrated with her, and let's be honest, she can be whiny and passive-aggressive. Plus, she never showed much affect toward me, and I figured, hey, that's just how she works. Turns out, she had plenty of affection to give. In a romantic relationship. Sometimes I freaking hate allo-tendencies.

Like, we've known each other for years, I've been with you through thick and thin, but you've been friends for my brother for three months and dating for a few weeks and suddenly he means more than I do? What happened to your supposed strong loyalty?

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On 5/11/2017 at 5:14 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I totally get this! Whenever people would say "ohh I'm just not happy with him/her/them seeing x person because y". My answer (pre realising I'm Aro) has always been "... Why are you with this person if you don't trust them?" or "Why would they bother dating you if they want someone else?"

Yes, It's creepy and abusive and reminds me of *shudder* Twilight..

That's my response too. I remember a friend said, trying to use this as an example for something else, "If your brother was spending a lot of time with a single girl, wouldn't her girlfriend feel uncomfortable with that?" To which I responded, "If she did, I would be very, very angry with her. If she doesn't trust him enough to be okay with him doing that, she has no freaking business dating my brother."

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On 01/05/2017 at 8:05 PM, NullVector said:

@Ice Queen

Totally agree with everything you said about dating! I've never done it myself (I'm not really comfortable with the concept and I just don't think it would work for me - for the reasons you said). I tried to make new friends instead (with that potentially leading to something sexual - or not).

 

I think somebody should make a 'dating' app that lets you 'date' as friendship groups. So, your group of friends meets up with another group of friends and goes out on a 'date' together. I think that would get rid of a lot of the assumptions, expectations and games that seem to exist around conventional dating. And it would be less pressure than a one-on-one situation (then maybe if you get to know someone well in that context you might want to see them one-on-one as well - but since you already know each other fairly well by now, there won't be all sorts of pre-assumed nonsense!)

An aromantic meeting app? Yes!!

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1 hour ago, Ace of Amethysts said:

An aromantic meeting app? Yes!!

Someone needs to do this- I would pay for this app :o

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I, for one, don't really get the point of celebrating anniversaries. What are you, people, counting exactly? :-? 

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