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Sooty Owl

Things you've never understood about romance

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3 hours ago, UncommonNonsense said:

I'm another one who doesn't understand the 'joined at the hip' aspect of some people's relationships.  You know - when you never see just one of them.  If A is there, B is automatically there (and they are usually in some sort of prolonged physical contact that starts to feel veeeeery awkward after a while to those who are in their company) and you will never, ever see one without the other.

As well as how these people refer to themselves. Even to the point of no longer appearing to lose individual identities.
I've never been able to see this as anything other than a negative thing. Yet just about everyone else appears to desire and enjoy this.

 

3 hours ago, UncommonNonsense said:

I don't get that.  I'm the type of critter that requires enormous (at least by other people's standards) amounts of alone time.  This is how I recharge my batteries, so to speak.  Interacting with people drains me and makes me feel fatigued and overwhelmed - autism thing - especially since when I'm with people, I am faking being neurotypical, using what I call my Neurotypical Emulation Software, a very cognitively demanding set of scripts and rehearsed actions that allow me to operate among non-autistics without attracting so much of their negative attention, so being alone is how I reconnect with my authentic, autistic, stimmy self, shed my anxiety, and regain energy lost to having to run such demanding mental software all the time and suppressing my natural autistic stims and coping mechanisms.  If I am forced to go without my alone time, I get really short-tempered, depressed, exhausted, anxious, really vulnerable to sensory intrusion and overload, emotionally vulnerable and oversensitive, and just plain wiggy.  So to me, a partner wanting to be with me aaaaaallll the time is threatening, not positive in the least.

Neurotypical Emulation Software is a good way to put it. It's also worth remembering that being aro is considerably more common amongst NDs than NTs. Possibly "romance OS" runs better given an NT neurology.

What I find is in addition to requiring "alone time" (also known as "space") when I desire "people time" it it can specifically be with a group of people. Even when I desire one to one interaction it would not always be with the same individual. Indeed I've always found the idea of wanting all human interaction from one individual quite baffling. Something I would never seek myself or expect to be treated like myself.

 

3 hours ago, UncommonNonsense said:

I also don't understand why so many people now are willing to drop beloved hobbies, interests, and friends if their partner has no interest in them.  To me, having solo interests is important, and that's the kind of relationship I saw modelled by my own parents.  Dad loved cars and car racing, and Mum loved home decorating.  Dad watched races and went to car shows (often inviting me to watch or go with him) and Mum enjoyed shopping and fixing up our home, which had been bought as a fixer-upper and was eventually quite a showpiece.  And both had lots of friends, mutual ones and otherwise.

This behaviour of dropping interests not shared by a partner, only doing things together, appears fairly recent. Nor is it quite universal.
Even as recently as 50 years ago it seemed fairly common for married people to continue with individual hobbies and interests. Even to retain pre-existing friends (especially same gender).
Hence people often describing a different pattern of behaviour from their parents and/or grandparents.

 

4 hours ago, UncommonNonsense said:

To me, dropping interests and (especially) friends in a relationship is crazy, dangerously isolating, and just plain wrong, abandoning aspects of personal identity for the sake of someone else... that just raises my hackles and makes me shudder involuntarily.  

I'd also find it difficult to be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.
A "partner" abandoning aspects of their personal identity would make themselves less attractive to me.

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12 hours ago, Mark said:

As well as how these people refer to themselves. Even to the point of no longer appearing to lose individual identities.
I've never been able to see this as anything other than a negative thing. Yet just about everyone else appears to desire and enjoy this. 

We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. 

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1 hour ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

I don't get obsession with marriage. I don't get obsession with weddings. 

 

 

Me neither! My sister was obsessing over her wedding recently (since she's currently engaged to a complete moron) and I'm glad it's died down right now cause it was getting on my nerves.

 

One day I might just pull a Sue Sylvester and marry myself for the comedy of it all.

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5 hours ago, Kaiger Pufflehugs IV said:

We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. 

 

We are Hugh. Resistance is not futile. :P

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3 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

I don't get obsession with marriage. I don't get obsession with weddings. 

 

 

Yep.  And I don't understand why people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on their weddings.  Especially with the cost of housing being what it is.  To me, the money spent on the dress (worn once), the flowers (will wilt and die in a couple of days), food (which no one really likes anyway), gigantic cake (I've never met a wedding cake that tasted good), fancy venue (will be forgotten by the guests), limos (really?  tack-a-rific!), bridesmaid dresses (always ugly, worn only once), DJ (usually cringe-worthy), and booze (just provokes unfortunate behaviour from certain guests, which will be all anyone remembers about the wedding in years to come) is just a giant waste.  It could go for a down payment on a house, or pay for a car once the couple starts living together.  A huge, expensive, showy wedding is nothing but social one-upmanship and conspicuous consumption, both of which I find repulsive.

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@UncommonNonsense, you've also read my mind *offers a high five*

 

For me though; if I were to get married (church or civil; or better yet, a joint civil partnership and commitment ceremony. I'd love to see the day it'll be legal to do so here for both straight and LGBT+ couples, and same goes with same-sex marriage); I'd rather have everything low-key, simple and very private. Have a cake that me and my partner picked out and chose the flavor and design with (I'm imagining it as chocolate fudge on the inside, pastel rainbow frosting on the outside :D and it doesn't have to be the same wedding cake design!). Involve the guests and family and relatives in the catering process so that everyone has their fill and satisfaction of the food served (especially those with allergies and diet and/or health restrictions). If that means someone suggests an ice cream or create-your-own pizza bar and the majority accepts, then so be it :D! Invite only our family, relatives, closest friends and colleagues and those that we really trust. A homey and private location that can also double as the reception that doesn't look flashy and over-the-top with minimalist decors (if we decided to not get married in a church or a courthouse). Dress code is just simply smart casual. No one-time dresses and suits. Guests' cellphones and cameras are confiscated until after the ceremony to keep the privacy going. No fancy wancy stuff. No DJ and/or band at the reception. No booze either (or maybe a bottle or two of sparkling white wine for the toasts). Plug in an iPod or a phone running on Spotify and play any music we desire that doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey/cheesy/romantic.

 

I know that most people really like those over-the-top ones; but I really do hope that everyone is also accepting, open-minded and aware that there are also some that like being simple and private.

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The entire concept of marriage squicks me the heck out in a big way because romance repulsion, but even if some bizarro sequence of events were to happen that would make me okay with it (which is about as likely as me suddenly gaining the ability to phase through walls), I feel like anyone I would marry would almost certainly be the kind of person who would probably see it the same way I would and treat it more like a matter of paperwork a la filing taxes than any gigantic party-worthy life event.

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On 19 October 2016 at 7:00 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

I'm the type of critter that requires enormous (at least by other people's standards) amounts of alone time.  This is how I recharge my batteries, so to speak.  Interacting with people drains me and makes me feel fatigued and overwhelmed - autism thing - especially since when I'm with people, I am faking being neurotypical, using what I call my Neurotypical Emulation Software, a very cognitively demanding set of scripts and rehearsed actions that allow me to operate among non-autistics without attracting so much of their negative attention, so being alone is how I reconnect with my authentic, autistic, stimmy self, shed my anxiety, and regain energy lost to having to run such demanding mental software all the time and suppressing my natural autistic stims and coping mechanisms.  If I am forced to go without my alone time, I get really short-tempered, depressed, exhausted, anxious, really vulnerable to sensory intrusion and overload, emotionally vulnerable and oversensitive, and just plain wiggy.  So to me, a partner wanting to be with me aaaaaallll the time is threatening, not positive in the least.

This sounds exactly like me... though I've never been checked for autism or anything. I get very very irritable if I have to be around people (even people I really like) for extended periods of time without being left alone to recover inbetween. I have been known to disappear to the bathroom for very long periods of time. The one time I tried a relationship with someone I was living with, it got reallly messy. I thought I'd be ok because we were so close... but nope. That kind of thing just doesn't work for me.

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15 hours ago, Kaiger Pufflehugs IV said:

We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. 

Or possibly the Bynars, who do everything in pairs.

Whereas the Borg understand the concept of teams of more than two. Hence Seven of Nine.

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3 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I get very very irritable if I have to be around people (even people I really like) for extended periods of time without being left alone to recover inbetween. I have been known to disappear to the bathroom for very long periods of time.

Maybe not as irritable for me, but the rest checks out. I just went to a career fair, and there was far too many people there. I must have looked lost and idiotic, constantly backtracking to the quiet places!

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10 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

The entire concept of marriage squicks me the heck out in a big way because romance repulsion,

I've never really got why people would want to do it.
As for the wedding if you want to hold a party then why not just call it a party?

 

10 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

Tbut even if some bizarro sequence of events were to happen that would make me okay with it (which is about as likely as me suddenly gaining the ability to phase through walls),

Or i'd have gone insane!

 

10 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

I feel like anyone I would marry would almost certainly be the kind of person who would probably see it the same way I would and treat it more like a matter of paperwork a la filing taxes than any gigantic party-worthy life event.

Maybe some kind of arranged marriage, to someone rich...

 

5 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

This sounds exactly like me... though I've never been checked for autism or anything.

You could try this test. http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

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1 hour ago, Mark said:

I've never really got why people would want to do it.
As for the wedding if you want to hold a party then why not just call it a party?

 

Or i'd have gone insane!

 

Maybe some kind of arranged marriage, to someone rich...

 

You could try this test. http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

I just did it. I got:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 73 of 200


Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 116 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical

 

vlT0pEX.png

 

My only issue is question 114 - "are you asexual?". Well, yes I am, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have autism.

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16 hours ago, SoulWolf said:
On 10/19/2016 at 0:00 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

I'm the type of critter that requires enormous (at least by other people's standards) amounts of alone time.  This is how I recharge my batteries, so to speak.  Interacting with people drains me and makes me feel fatigued and overwhelmed - autism thing - especially since when I'm with people, I am faking being neurotypical, using what I call my Neurotypical Emulation Software, a very cognitively demanding set of scripts and rehearsed actions that allow me to operate among non-autistics without attracting so much of their negative attention, so being alone is how I reconnect with my authentic, autistic, stimmy self, shed my anxiety, and regain energy lost to having to run such demanding mental software all the time and suppressing my natural autistic stims and coping mechanisms.  If I am forced to go without my alone time, I get really short-tempered, depressed, exhausted, anxious, really vulnerable to sensory intrusion and overload, emotionally vulnerable and oversensitive, and just plain wiggy.  So to me, a partner wanting to be with me aaaaaallll the time is threatening, not positive in the least.

This sounds exactly like me... though I've never been checked for autism or anything. I get very very irritable if I have to be around people (even people I really like) for extended periods of time without being left alone to recover inbetween.

Same. Sometimes I wonder...

 

11 hours ago, Mark said:

You could try this test. http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

 

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 127 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 83 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)



poly10a.php?p1=93&p2=56&p3=60&p4=46&p5=7

 

...Ah. Welp. That explains a lot...

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6 hours ago, Mark said:

You could try this test. http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

I took the test, and I got:

 

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 106 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

 

...well that's inconclusive.

 

Spoiler

poly10a.php?p1=60&p2=28&p3=59&p4=43&p5=5

 

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Well, here's me.  Bear in mind, I'm diagnosed HFA (High Functioning Autism) and ADHD (though it was just called 'Hyperactive' when I was a kid), but I'm a lot older than a lot of you and was exposed to a lot of intervention meant to force me to act 'normal', so it is sometimes hard for me to separate what is natural for me and what has been forced (and sometimes beaten) into me.  Treatment of autistic kids in the 70's and 80's was quite a lot different than now (though what's going on now is still terrible, IMHO).

 

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 160 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 45 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

 

Spoiler

poly10a.php?p1=100&p2=90&p3=80&p4=77&p5=

 

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On 10/20/2016 at 10:32 AM, Kaiger Pufflehugs IV said:

My only issue is question 114 - "are you asexual?". Well, yes I am, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have autism.

I think they meant that more as 'Are the questions about romance and sex answered as such because you are asexual?' Though really they should have said asexual and aromantic, which is annoying.

 

Edit: While this is a very interesting topic, it is off topic from the original discussion. I encourage people to start a thread about it in Off Topic if they want to. Thanks! :)

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On 20/10/2016 at 11:57 PM, Mark said:

You could try this test. http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Oh hey, what do you know :P I personally wouldn't be counting the relationships category since it was so normative

 

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 151 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

 

poly10a.php?p1=100&p2=86&p3=92&p4=68&p5=

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The first I definitely understand why you would find that weird. I would, to, honestly. O.o

But the second one, I mean, it's like if you were friends with someone, and they hurt or something, and then your best friend became friends with that person. Kind of like betrayal. (For the record I'm going off of logic, here. Not experience, lol. XP)

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Reading up about it, I'm pretty sure I've been limerent in the past towards some people, but not really towards anyone I actually got into a relationship with. My friend describes it as 'the chase is better than the catch' but I just feel horrible now when I think about my past in those terms. Almost dirty in a way :( 

 

I've never understood why some people have got engaged or even married after knowing each other a very short amount of time - maybe even a day! Sure, it worked out for some people, but I'd bet my bottom dollar they're in the minority. Yet, they're still framed as positive, "I found The ONE and I'm telling my story to give hope to all the lonely singles out there TM " stories, rather than "acted ridiculously rashly, was lucky it worked out in our favour".

 

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Hehe, I've been able to happily ignore Valentine's Day for years to be honest, I like the legend behind it though.

The movie/TV trope of a man saving a woman's life and she feels obligated to be with him or 'repay' his courage with certain favours...

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