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Sooty Owl

Things you've never understood about romance

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On 8/6/2016 at 10:33 PM, Juno said:

The thing I really don't get is that calling someone your girlfriend or boyfriend seems to be such a big deal. My cousin is dating someone and my family refers to him as "*Cousin's name*'s friend". They put a weird emphasis on the word friend, as they know that my cousin's relationship with this guy is not platonic. But they refuse to refer to him as my cousin's boyfriend.

One time, before she was with her current boyfriend, my cousin was with another guy. When my dad asked her if she would call him her boyfriend, she responded "I would say we're dating, but I wouldn't call him my boyfriend." Why do people think ace and aro labels are confusing when labels for romantic and sexual relationships seem so complicated?

The other thing that people make a big deal of is saying "I love you" for the first time in a relationship. For a while I thought: 'why would you date someone you don't love or don't feel comfortable telling you love?' I guess if you go on a blind date or a date with someone you met through a dating site it makes sense. I also think I am much more liberal with my "I love you"s than most people. I tell my friends and family I love them often. "I love you" was the replacement for "goodbye" with my friends and I for a while.

 

I also have an issue with how there's no name for a platonic version of a boy/girlfriend, as those terms are used for romantic partners. Most of my friends are female, yet there's no shorthand for platonic relationships, so I either have to explain that my friendships are platonic, or use "friends who are girls", or "female friends", etc. It's a pain.

 

My main thing I don't understand is why romantic partners have to spend every day together, or there abouts. My brother has been home for 3 weeks after spending 3 months at sea and his girlfriend hasn't let him have a day to himself. And they're going on a South African safari next week tomorrow.

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Beside many of the points already mentioned I don't understand why sex is seen as romantic.

I simple dont see anything "romantic" in rubbing your genetalia on each other (or whatever you are into.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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13 minutes ago, Natkat said:

Beside many of the points already mentioned I don't understand why sex is seen as romantic.

I simple dont see anything "romantic" in rubbing your genetalia on each other (or whatever you are into.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think I've ever heard that one, explicitly!

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I don't really feel the appeal of needing to be around another person that much. It is sometimes nice to have someone to talk to, but spending that much time with someone just seems like a huge hassle.

 

On 7/31/2016 at 4:13 PM, Cassiopeia said:

The phenomenon of the One. Do people seriously think their special person is perfect? Aren't there any flaws? Does that not worry you? It always felt unlikely, artificial to me.

But who else will defeat the robot squids and free the humans from their thermodynamically impossible Matrix pods? :V

 

12 hours ago, Natkat said:

Beside many of the points already mentioned I don't understand why sex is seen as romantic.

I simple dont see anything "romantic" in rubbing your genetalia on each other (or whatever you are into.)

I think it exists as a cultural thing for historical reasons. Before effective birth control (or in places where it isn't allowed) sex is linked to having babies, which is linked to raising babies, which is associated with having a family.

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On 06/08/2016 at 10:33 PM, Juno said:

The other thing that people make a big deal of is saying "I love you" for the first time in a relationship.

Because of what's known as the "relationship escalator". Normative romantic relationships are expected to follow a somewhat specific pattern of "progression" and "milestones".

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17 hours ago, Natkat said:

Beside many of the points already mentioned I don't understand why sex is seen as romantic.

I simple dont see anything "romantic" in rubbing your genetalia on each other (or whatever you are into.)

 

Along with a whole lot of other behaviours being "romance coded". Thus making them very difficult to find without the romance bit. Which can be very difficult and frustrating.
A bit like if all the food you could buy was covered in a sauce you didn't like (even were allergic to).
 

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22 hours ago, Pufflehugs04 said:

I don't think I've ever heard that one, explicitly!

people usunally just say it like "we make love" and so but its the same.

5 hours ago, Mark said:

 

Along with a whole lot of other behaviours being "romance coded". Thus making them very difficult to find without the romance bit. Which can be very difficult and frustrating.
A bit like if all the food you could buy was covered in a sauce you didn't like (even were allergic to).
 

true and its really annoying

 

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Personally I'll never understand the difference between flirting and being kind to someone. Society tells us to be kind to everyone, but when you do it they think it means that you want to be romantically involved????? 

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So this person on facebook decided that *everybody* needed to know that they celebrated their 7 month (such a strange number tbh) anniversary with their fiance. I don't understand this. But this isn't even the kicker. The person who shared this information got engaged as soon as they turned 18 (which is already just whyyyyyyy?). They turned 18 in April. Simple arithmetic says that they had been with this other person for *3 months* when they decided to get engaged to them. iksvfgbylkjahsdfblkasfblhasdfb I can't even. Just. What??????????????

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On 09/08/2016 at 10:29 PM, Snapdragon said:

Personally I'll never understand the difference between flirting and being kind to someone. Society tells us to be kind to everyone, but when you do it they think it means that you want to be romantically involved????? 

I've always though of flirting as being about sexual attraction.
Though it's not something I can do in most situations. Which I suspect has more to do with being on the autistic spectrum than being aro.

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8 hours ago, Zemaddog said:

So this person on facebook decided that *everybody* needed to know that they celebrated their 7 month (such a strange number tbh) anniversary with their fiance. I don't understand this. But this isn't even the kicker. The person who shared this information got engaged as soon as they turned 18 (which is already just whyyyyyyy?). They turned 18 in April. Simple arithmetic says that they had been with this other person for *3 months* when they decided to get engaged to them. iksvfgbylkjahsdfblkasfblhasdfb I can't even. Just. What??????????????

Something similar happened with someone I used to know. She met some guy and after going out for a week, he proposed and she said yes. And I just lost all respect for her and never spoke to her again... I find it difficult to tell the difference between romance and stupidity.

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I would say, what you just described is the latter ;) 

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I once had a friend who cried about her partner that he never had time for her and doesn't care for their child and so on. She sounded very sad and frustated, so I said "Why don't you break up with him then and kick him off your home?" She gave me a really shocked look and said "How can you say that?! I love him!" oO Sorry, but I don't get you? If you cry about your relationship and how bad it is and how unhappy you are, it makes me think you would be better without him? :/

 

(Not sure if this was an aro or autism thing)

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On 31/07/2016 at 9:13 PM, Cassiopeia said:

The We-Must-Do-Everything-Together. What if they aren't into your hobbies? Doing something in a group is nice, but having the same group for everything is a bit unrealistic? Are you clones or what? Are you just repressing your personality?

I have just never got this, it's seems weird. Also how do they choose which interests to keep and which to not?
Plenty of things where the ideal group size isn't two. (Maybe it's those which tend to get dropped.)

 

On 31/07/2016 at 9:13 PM, Cassiopeia said:

The phenomenon of the One. Do people seriously think their special person is perfect? Aren't there any flaws? Does that not worry you? It always felt unlikely, artificial to me.

This seems to relate back to "We-Must-Do-Everything-Together". But why one person rather than a "team" of people?

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Cheating.  I could never understand why someone would get into a relationship with someone, but at the same time be romantically and/or sexually involved with somebody else without telling the first person. Seriously. Why not just break up with the first one? Or if they are soo importand that you "can't live without them" not cheat? 

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On 9 August 2016 at 1:02 AM, Natkat said:

Beside many of the points already mentioned I don't understand why sex is seen as romantic.

I simple dont see anything "romantic" in rubbing your genetalia on each other (or whatever you are into.)

Kind of like how people get so caught up over one night stands. How hard is it to not fall in love with someone you just had sex with? Haha

 

Anyway I've said this before and I'll say it again but "emotional cheating" is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If you're being affectionate with someone else in a non romantic/sexual context then how is it cheating!? Like if you're cuddling your friend and neither of you have feelings for each other then how is that cheating?

 

Also this weird desire to have all of your needs met by one person. It seems really unhealthy to me to just drop everyone else in your life to have all of your emotional needs met by this person you barely even know. Do people not need their friends for that sort of thing?

 

Also also why do couples spend so much time together? I remember being in relationships and feeling suffocated because of how much time they expected me to spend with them. Cause I was at school they expected me to spend all of my recess and lunch breaks with them instead of my friends and to me that was just baffling because we already had dates and Friday night dinners for that? Why do you need to spend hours everyday with me!?

 

Speaking of couples having to do everything together: hobbies? For example my sister is your average vanilla girl (too harsh?) whereas her boyfriend is a huge nerd. She doesn't really tolerate it so sometimes I talk to him about video games and he took me to a store opening last month. Apparently this is a crime? If anything I'm helping their relationship because she won't entertain his interests and he doesn't seem to have any friends outside the relationship, and since none of my friends are nerds I thought we had a good dynamic. My sister gets very sensitive about us spending time together despite the fact that

1) I'm extremely aro ace

2) he's like 7 years older than me

3) we only do stuff like once every couple of months if even that

 

If it weren't for the edit button this would've ended two paragraphs ago haha

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5 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

Also this weird desire to have all of your needs met by one person. It seems really unhealthy to me to just drop everyone else in your life to have all of your emotional needs met by this person you barely even know. Do people not need their friends for that sort of thing?

Unhealthy to the point of self harm. Both by rejecting your existing support network and assuming that one person can replace several.
I just find this baffling since I instinctively look for a "team" to meet my needs and don't expect to be able to meet anyone else's needs on my own.

 

5 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

Also also why do couples spend so much time together? I remember being in relationships and feeling suffocated because of how much time they expected me to spend with them. Cause I was at school they expected me to spend all of my recess and lunch breaks with them instead of my friends and to me that was just baffling because we already had dates and Friday night dinners for that? Why do you need to spend hours everyday with me!?

Similarly why could they not spend the time with their friends? Is not the major reason for wanting to spend time with someone mutual benefit?

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On August 20, 2016 at 6:28 PM, Nakaez said:

Cheating.  I could never understand why someone would get into a relationship with someone, but at the same time be romantically and/or sexually involved with somebody else without telling the first person. Seriously. Why not just break up with the first one? Or if they are soo importand that you "can't live without them" not cheat? 

 

^^ This. When someone tells me they broke up because of cheating O.o

Also- aside from really close friends- I don't understand discussing the romantic/sexual aspects of a romantic/sexual relationship. 

Made even more awkward when someone who's not even close to me (who seems to forget I'm AroAce), is talking about it. 


I feel like the only way I'll ever understand romantic/sexual relationships is through writing fictional characters- it's the only time I won't freak out over something romantic/sexual.

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On 20/08/2016 at 11:28 PM, Nakaez said:

Cheating.  I could never understand why someone would get into a relationship with someone, but at the same time be romantically and/or sexually involved with somebody else without telling the first person. Seriously. Why not just break up with the first one? Or if they are soo importand that you "can't live without them" not cheat? 

Or just not have the sexual exclusivity requirement in the first place.
Though that would require negotiation rather than just following the amantonormative "script". (Allo)romantics do seem to have a big thing about (all sorts of) exclusivity, regardless of if they actually want it...

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What I never understand, why people get crushes on people they can not have anyway? Like because it's a celebrity or this person is currently in relationship or has a sexual orientation what excludes your gender?

When I have a sexual crush on someone (is there a word for that?) and then find out that he's straight, I somehow just stop having feelings for him. It wouldn't make sense to be attracted if he would never be attracted to me. I only have platonic feelings then. *shrug*

Someone else experience this?

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Because they can't decide to like somebody or not. And they have no control over the things they like. Crushes are an involuntary visceral experience, and I'd say even much more than simple physical attraction as they trigger feelings of attachment. The person has a list of things they like in a person, including things that they never consciously chose, and even things that they wish weren't in the list. A crush is merely their instinct saying "you've got a match" in some kind of harsssing way and forcing them to get attached to the target. Mind spamming. I can imagine how it can be annoying to have it. I'd say it's like hunger or pain, it's almost impossible to suppress it once it's there.

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On 2016-08-15 at 10:01 AM, LJ_84 said:

I once had a friend who cried about her partner that he never had time for her and doesn't care for their child and so on. She sounded very sad and frustated, so I said "Why don't you break up with him then and kick him off your home?" She gave me a really shocked look and said "How can you say that?! I love him!" oO Sorry, but I don't get you? If you cry about your relationship and how bad it is and how unhappy you are, it makes me think you would be better without him? :/

 

(Not sure if this was an aro or autism thing)

 

I feel the same thing so it's probably an aro thing. I can understand that people's emotions are not always guiding them to do what makes them happy. I too can feel the urge to do things that makes me feel bad. But to not even be aware of it. It's like if someone was eating nothing but junk food and getting health problems and responding with "but I wan't to eat this food". What you want has nothing to do with it. It's making you feel bad, so don't do it.

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4 hours ago, Holmbo said:

 

I feel the same thing so it's probably an aro thing. I can understand that people's emotions are not always guiding them to do what makes them happy. I too can feel the urge to do things that makes me feel bad. But to not even be aware of it. It's like if someone was eating nothing but junk food and getting health problems and responding with "but I wan't to eat this food". What you want has nothing to do with it. It's making you feel bad, so don't do it.

Same here. Also, surely it's possible to love someone but not live with them?

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I'm another one who doesn't understand the 'joined at the hip' aspect of some people's relationships.  You know - when you never see just one of them.  If A is there, B is automatically there (and they are usually in some sort of prolonged physical contact that starts to feel veeeeery awkward after a while to those who are in their company) and you will never, ever see one without the other. 

I don't get that.  I'm the type of critter that requires enormous (at least by other people's standards) amounts of alone time.  This is how I recharge my batteries, so to speak.  Interacting with people drains me and makes me feel fatigued and overwhelmed - autism thing - especially since when I'm with people, I am faking being neurotypical, using what I call my Neurotypical Emulation Software, a very cognitively demanding set of scripts and rehearsed actions that allow me to operate among non-autistics without attracting so much of their negative attention, so being alone is how I reconnect with my authentic, autistic, stimmy self, shed my anxiety, and regain energy lost to having to run such demanding mental software all the time and suppressing my natural autistic stims and coping mechanisms.  If I am forced to go without my alone time, I get really short-tempered, depressed, exhausted, anxious, really vulnerable to sensory intrusion and overload, emotionally vulnerable and oversensitive, and just plain wiggy.  So to me, a partner wanting to be with me aaaaaallll the time is threatening, not positive in the least.

 

I also don't understand why so many people now are willing to drop beloved hobbies, interests, and friends if their partner has no interest in them.  To me, having solo interests is important, and that's the kind of relationship I saw modelled by my own parents.  Dad loved cars and car racing, and Mum loved home decorating.  Dad watched races and went to car shows (often inviting me to watch or go with him) and Mum enjoyed shopping and fixing up our home, which had been bought as a fixer-upper and was eventually quite a showpiece.  And both had lots of friends, mutual ones and otherwise.  To me, dropping interests and (especially) friends in a relationship is crazy, dangerously isolating, and just plain wrong, abandoning aspects of personal identity for the sake of someone else... that just raises my hackles and makes me shudder involuntarily.  

 

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10 hours ago, Kaiger Pufflehugs IV said:

Same here. Also, surely it's possible to love someone but not live with them?

Cohabitation is part of what is known as the "relationship escalator".
Which the vast majority of alloromantics appear to follow as a kind of script.

 

Interestingly I did see this article this morning. http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/08/whoopi-goldberg-is-done-with-marriage.html?mid=fb-share-thecut

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