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Things you've never understood about romance


Sooty Owl
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Oh I knew this existed somewhere. It should be in the front page.

Now, I don't understand flirting. Or at least why something is consider as flirting.

Here's the thing : I'm working on a book. At some point my characters are fighting/insulting each other, and one of my beta-reader thought they were flirting without noticing it. First, how can you flirt without knowing it? Second, the boy sayed the girl can't do something on her own and the girl called him arrogant. How is that flirting? How? Can someone explain this mystery to me? I dont get it. At all.

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1 minute ago, nonmerci said:

Here's the thing : I'm working on a book. At some point my characters are fighting/insuline each other, and one of my beta-reader thought they were flirting without noticing it. First, how can you flirt without knowing it? 

I have been accused of flirting when I didn't know it... Seeing as how I'm aro, I still think I wasn't, but she was pretty sure that I was... 

 

3 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

Second, the boy sayed the girl can't do something on her own and the girl called him arrogant. How is that flirting? How? Can someone explain this mystery to me? I dont get it. At all.

It's a bit like negging I guess? I don't understand negging to begin with... (do they even have Pick-Up-Artists in your region? If you don't know what "negging" is... you're probably happier that way...) 

 

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I didn't know the word "negging". I search on Google and that sounds dumb. I saw it on movies but not in real life (at least I think).

But I suppose that the conversation I wrote can't be mistaken as negging... except that my characters really meant it and that the girl wants the boy to go away.

It may also be the trope "they hate each other then fallin love" (well technically they hate each other and will become friends; but still, I never thought about it as a flirting phase...).

And of course the fact that you always expect the boy and the girl to kiss at the end of a book or a movie...

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Wow, I relate to everything in this thread. I was feeling alone (my friends have been talking a lot about romance at the moment) and now I suddenly feel much less alone. It is great to know other people have the same experience and also do not understand romance :)

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I don’t get how some people really hate their exes and that it’s considered to be okay. It’s understandable to hate someone who turned out to be terrible once you got to know them better, but even the happiest couples end up like this sometimes, and I just don’t understand why you can’t remain friends after a break up if you used to enjoy your each other’s company so much. 

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1 hour ago, Kallie said:

I don’t get how some people really hate their exes and that it’s considered to be okay. It’s understandable to hate someone who turned out to be terrible once you got to know them better, but even the happiest couples end up like this sometimes, and I just don’t understand why you can’t remain friends after a break up if you used to enjoy your each other’s company so much. 


And even worse: Sometimes they make you pick sides! WTF? 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/6/2017 at 7:54 AM, Ice Queen said:

I don't understand how on earth it is possible for one to feel a connection to someone they've just met or whom they don't know well and I don't understand why there have to be expectations right from the start. Aaaarrrrghhhh x_x. 

Wait, is that just a romantic thing?

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7 hours ago, ClearBlueSea said:

Wait, is that just a romantic thing?

Not necessarily I think (I suppose it works in platonic context too) but romance really embodies this kind of behaviour. Love at first sight is supposed to be a thing in romance.

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On 1/9/2020 at 4:24 PM, Kallie said:

I don’t get how some people really hate their exes and that it’s considered to be okay. It’s understandable to hate someone who turned out to be terrible once you got to know them better, but even the happiest couples end up like this sometimes, and I just don’t understand why you can’t remain friends after a break up if you used to enjoy your each other’s company so much. 

A lot of strange romantic insider jokes revolve around "still be friends".

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On 7/31/2016 at 12:33 PM, omitef said:

I don't understand how dating is different than a really good friendship. 

 
same though... I’ve never figured out what makes it different 

On 1/9/2020 at 11:31 AM, LBMango said:


And even worse: Sometimes they make you pick sides! WTF? 


I KNOW RIGHT!?!?

Two of my friends “broke up” and now they both want me to pick their side... 

They’re both great people and tbh he didn’t do anything wrong. 

(It doesn’t help that I don’t understand why they broke up... he kissed a girl before they even started dating and she got mad. They weren’t even dating yet. I’m so confused) 

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  • 11 months later...

There is a lot of odd ideas directed at the family of a romantic partner that I will just never get. For my case as a man I have heard the following about any potential romantic partners in a 'traditional' heterosexual relationship.

* when I was young, the idea that 'her dad' would effectively be a judge of my masculinity and if I wasnt good enough then things would go bad. Jokes about beating up potential suitors was not uncommon.

* if i were to get married the bride's mother would be a nightmare or obsessive controller of everything that my to be wife would have to battle in order to get her wedding done how she wanted it.

* after that the bride's mother would then be the mother in law. various media have given me an idea of the mother in law as a mooch or as a permenant complainer who will never accept anything you do,  or just as a figure of contempt. Like the old koke

The wife’s Mother said, “When you’re dead, I’ll dance in your grave.” I said: “Good, I’m being buried at sea.”

I get that some of it, especially on the mother in law side, is said in jest. However it seems really odd to me that there was always this underlying idea that the family of any potential partner was some sort of hostile force. They are there to inconvenience me, size me up and generally should care more about appearance to them than whether their own daughter is happy.

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  • 8 months later...

Ever witnessed somebody asking if / suggesting that X and Y are romantically attracted / in a romantic relationship – and then the overdramatic, deeply offended, histrionic denials by X or Y?

… why can’t they simply say “No I’m not”, or “Don’t ask such personal questions”.

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So I just read this entire thread and only understand one thing. Does this mean I’m aromantic? LoL! 

Being alterous is confusing.

 

 

 

 

 One thing I don’t get is why can’t two people of opposite gender be close friends and not be romantically invested in each other? I always was looking for a female friend but so many times had romance inserted in some way either by the person or their friends.

 

 

Edited by Ashe.
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On 10/9/2021 at 11:11 PM, Ashe. said:

One thing I don’t get is why can’t two people of opposite gender be close friends and not be romantically invested in each other? I always was looking for a female friend but so many times had romance inserted in some way either by the person or their friends.

I know!

I had a FWB for 5 years and my friends were obsessed with us becoming a couple. We "broke up" 2 years ago because he met a girl he wanted to date and we're still friends, but my friends still say we would have been a really nice couple even now.

 

Something I don't get about romantic relationship is being together 24/7. Don't they need time for themselves?

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One thing I still cannot understand is why watching someone fail at romance is seen as funny.

I'm sure quite a lot of people here can think of a TV show, movie or book where a character's inability to be confident about romance was played for laughs.

The one I am most familiar with is the nerdy guy who struggles to hold a conversation with attractive women, but I am sure there are plenty of others.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 10/16/2021 at 4:20 PM, roboticanary said:

One thing I still cannot understand is why watching someone fail at romance is seen as funny.

I'm sure quite a lot of people here can think of a TV show, movie or book where a character's inability to be confident about romance was played for laughs.

The one I am most familiar with is the nerdy guy who struggles to hold a conversation with attractive women, but I am sure there are plenty of others.

Isn't it the general awkwardness that's supposed to be the humour? Kinda the same humour as of someone messes up in an interview or in another social interaction. I don't like cringe humour myself but for those who do like it I don't see how romantic interactions are different.

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One thing I never understood is why people fall for partners who don't share their interests & hobbies. When my cousin was about to get married I was shocked to learn that the girl didn't care for sports at all. Sports is almost all my cousin talks about. It's his favorite thing. How the heck did they ever become close if he can't talk to her about his favorite thing in the world? O.o

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On 10/16/2021 at 4:20 PM, roboticanary said:

One thing I still cannot understand is why watching someone fail at romance is seen as funny.

I kind of like it if it is absolutely over the top and truly absurd. Like Excel from Excel Saga crushing on Lord Ilpalazzo, who becomes so annoyed at her that he constantly “trapdoor’es” her. Or in Black Clover fifteen-year old Asta professing his love to Lily Aquaria, who is a nun in her mid-twenties – but he just doesn’t give up.

If it becomes somewhat realistic it’s just plain old schadenfreude. And for whatever reason “romantically challenged people” are still an acceptable target.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just recently I was with a few friends, one who was an older straight married guy. The guy started cracking jokes about marriage being rubbish and his wife being controlling and we just looked at home like he was mad.

This seems to be something that happens a lot in a sort of 'are the straights ok' kind of thing and I can never understand it.

Why would you spend so much time joking about the relationship you put the most time and effort into being crap.

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On 12/6/2021 at 11:55 PM, roboticanary said:

Why would you spend so much time joking about the relationship you put the most time and effort into being crap.

Yeah it's very strange. I don't think I've ever experienced it in real life. Seems to me like it's often tied to sexist and toxic masculinity. Like that a real man doesn't want to commit or have any expectations on them

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On 12/8/2021 at 4:38 PM, Holmbo said:

Yeah it's very strange. I don't think I've ever experienced it in real life. Seems to me like it's often tied to sexist and toxic masculinity. Like that a real man doesn't want to commit or have any expectations on them

The most obvious relationship between romance and toxic masculinity is the expectation that, heterosexual, men should obtain emotional support only from their girlfriend or wife. The other side of this coin being that, heterosexual, women are expected to only offer emotional support to men who are their boyfriend or husband.

This has the effect that emotional support is more strongly romantically coded for men than women. Which can also happen with physical affection.

Edited by Mark
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  • 7 months later...
On 12/9/2021 at 10:13 AM, Mark said:

This has the effect that emotional support is more strongly romantically coded for men than women. Which can also happen with physical affection.

Another thing here that I never understood. the expectation that there is one person who should provide that emotional support. It seemed odd to me the amount of mental health campaigns that have to practically beat it into people that, yeah, you should keep an eye out on your mates.

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