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KF81

I have learnt that i lack certain feelings and emotions..

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Hello...

 

I have had friends who have been in a relationship for 2 or 3 years, it breaks down and they come out of it..

But within weeks they are in another relationship with someone else !  I have seen friends bounce from one relationship to another multiple times..

 

Until very recently It absolutely baffled me, i did not understand why they would do such a thing. On a psychological level i can understand

why but not on a feelings level.

 

I have had no desire to get into a relationship, and i guess that is because i lack these feelings, emotions and longing that the majority of

people seem to have.

 

Knowing this is very freeing and i have only learnt this about myself over the weekend !  

 

It is nice to know i am not alone in feeling or not feeling this way ! 

 

 

I don’t know but i guess that most people have a longing and a need to have a partner in their life, which is something i

just can not relate too !   It doesn’t really make much sense to me !

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Yeah, I've also never understood this. It's like they have these voices in their heads telling them what to do, and they listen to them, and they look crazy to me. But it seems normal to everyone else... that always baffled me. I have felt like an alien my whole life, like I'm the only one noticing how crazy these people look.

 

I hear people talk about looking for partners when they don't have one, and I just stand there shrugging... I'm not looking. I've never looked. I don't understand why anyone would. I'm like, why can't you just be happy with yourself? Do you really feel that incomplete somehow? I actually feel sorry for those people...

 

The only kind of "partner" I'd want is a really close friend who wants the same from me. Or more than one, since there's no need for silly limitations on friendship. :)

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Same here! My brother didn't start dating until college, so I just thought that was normal. Then I didn't want a relationship in college either, so I started to wonder if I was different. 

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20 hours ago, KF81 said:

I have had friends who have been in a relationship for 2 or 3 years, it breaks down and they come out of it..

But within weeks they are in another relationship with someone else !  I have seen friends bounce from one relationship to another multiple times..

None of my friends do this quickly-moving-into-new-relationships thing. I've known people who did this, but all the ones who I still know what their up to don't anymore because they're adults with jobs and bills and all that stuff to sort out, so they don't always have the time for starting new relationships. I was actually under the impression that most people 'grew out' of thosekind of things (though of course there are some people for whom that's just a part of who they are), and didn't realise that there were people who still did it as adults. Just goes to show what I know xD

 

I'm happy to hear you're feeling better about these things now :)

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I see it as similar to magnetism. Magnets have this seemingly magical property that makes them want to move toward each other. You can't see magnetic waves, you can only observe how it affects the magnets.

 

It's easy to mistake yourself as also putting out those magnetic waves when in fact they may not even exist. :)

 

My real "aha" moment was when I realized the only obstacle in getting a girlfriend was myself. Without that underlying desire, I think it's difficult to force oneself into romance.

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On 27 July 2016 at 6:31 AM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

I see it as similar to magnetism. Magnets have this seemingly magical property that makes them want to move toward each other. You can't see magnetic waves, you can only observe how it affects the magnets.

 

It's easy to mistake yourself as also putting out those magnetic waves when in fact they may not even exist. :)

 

My real "aha" moment was when I realized the only obstacle in getting a girlfriend was myself. Without that underlying desire, I think it's difficult to force oneself into romance.

This is an excellent metaphor for romantic attraction - magnetic attraction!

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On 24/07/2016 at 9:55 PM, KF81 said:

I have had friends who have been in a relationship for 2 or 3 years, it breaks down and they come out of it..

But within weeks they are in another relationship with someone else !  I have seen friends bounce from one relationship to another multiple times..

What baffles me about this is how they can find such partners so easily.
Since my experience is that finding even one "partner" is very difficult. What the majority of people appear to want is not remotely compatible with what interests me.
A good part of this is that my definition of "partner" is queer platonic rather than romantic. IME even when alloromantics say they are seeking "friends first" they really just want romance.

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On 25/07/2016 at 0:05 AM, SoulWolf said:

The only kind of "partner" I'd want is a really close friend who wants the same from me. Or more than one, since there's no need for silly limitations on friendship. :)

I've just never got the singular thing. Also never been that comfortable with "girlfriend" and "boyfriend". Since whilst they contain the word suffix "-friend" they appear to be about something very different from friendship.
On the other hand people just think me weird for wanting to do romantic coded things with friends. Whilst not being interested in things like co-habitation, marriage, etc.(Things which seem very important to them.)

On 26/07/2016 at 11:31 PM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

My real "aha" moment was when I realized the only obstacle in getting a girlfriend was myself. Without that underlying desire, I think it's difficult to force oneself into romance.

I've often felt that the process of getting a romantic relationship is like a very difficult competition where the only possible "prize" is something I don't want anyway.(Without even the option to exchange it for something queer platonic...)

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8 hours ago, Mark said:

What baffles me about this is how they can find such partners so easily.
Since my experience is that finding even one "partner" is very difficult. What the majority of people appear to want is not remotely compatible with what interests me.
A good part of this is that my definition of "partner" is queer platonic rather than romantic. IME even when alloromantics say they are seeking "friends first" they really just want romance.

 

I have to agree there. People seem to bounce in and out of relationships so quickly. When I broke up with my girlfriend, she called me a few days after to tell me she was back with her ex-boyfriend. I told her congratulations but was a bit baffled. From what she had told me before, she didn't like the guy very much. I think maybe she was trying to make me jealous but that really backfired!

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10 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

People seem to bounce in and out of relationships so quickly. When I broke up with my girlfriend, she called me a few days after to tell me she was back with her ex-boyfriend. I told her congratulations but was a bit baffled. From what she had told me before, she didn't like the guy very much.

Something which I find especially odd here is that alloromantics often use adjectives like "serious" and "committed" to describe romantic relationships. Which don't make much sense with these kind of behaviours.

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On 21/08/2016 at 11:23 AM, Mark said:

Something which I find especially odd here is that alloromantics often use adjectives like "serious" and "committed" to describe romantic relationships. Which don't make much sense with these kind of behaviours.

 

Indeed.

What I've seen around me is that such relationships aren't based on friendship. They're based on attraction and only that. Other than that, those couples are just strangers, so if attraction fades, nothing remains.

As those people are often repulsed by the idea of combining friendship with romance, they're unable to build sustainable and truly loving relationships. It looks passionate but inside, it's all empty.

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I relate so much with you guys right now. I literally can't even comprehend how people do the relationship shuffle so quickly. I've never been able to. For as long as I can remember, that has been strange to me. It's like: "How do you do that, and why do you want to." The horror D:

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30 minutes ago, Saber_Wing said:

I relate so much with you guys right now. I literally can't even comprehend how people do the relationship shuffle so quickly. I've never been able to. For as long as I can remember, that has been strange to me. It's like: "How do you do that, and why do you want to." The horror D:

 

I guess it's like a hunger for some people. They really feel the need to be with somebody. It's possible they could do fine on their own if they tried, but they don't want to. Other people would simply be miserable all the time without a partner. For some people, it might be more akin to an appetite. It's something that would be nice to fulfill but doesn't feel so dire as to be called a need.

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9 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

 

I guess it's like a hunger for some people. They really feel the need to be with somebody. It's possible they could do fine on their own if they tried, but they don't want to. Other people would simply be miserable all the time without a partner. For some people, it might be more akin to an appetite. It's something that would be nice to fulfill but doesn't feel so dire as to be called a need.

 

In some ways I really get this. Especially the "hunger" analogy when it comes to human companionship and interaction. I can find myself feeling very lonely...


In other ways I find the concept of a partner rather alien. Since I'd generally think people (rather than person) for any kind of interaction. The idea that anyone would specifically seek one individual to do everything with just makes no sense to me.

However i feel very much in the minority. With most everyone else either wanting to be coupled or be on their own.

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On 20 August 2016 at 2:52 PM, Mark said:

What baffles me about this is how they can find such partners so easily.
Since my experience is that finding even one "partner" is very difficult. What the majority of people appear to want is not remotely compatible with what interests me.
A good part of this is that my definition of "partner" is queer platonic rather than romantic. IME even when alloromantics say they are seeking "friends first" they really just want romance.

That depends on how you define 'partner'. The more expectations, the harder it will be to find someone like that. There is a type of person who is not looking for a certain kind of pre-determined thing, they choose the people around themselves as friends, lovers, partners because they see something in them. And then there is a type of person who would just want to be with someone just to be with someone. For some the reason is fear of loneliness or low self confidence or social pressure. For others it's the sex, the money or the ego boost. And some like to have a live action dollhouse, they have a 'job description' and looking for a candidate who fits into the role and ticks all the boxes. And some do that stuff under the label of friendship. But even with some of this, they may still be decent people. Point is, as long as there is communication, and the expectations are similar, a not so deep connection can be still a great thing to have...just know what you want and make sure none of you are living in an illusion.

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20 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

That depends on how you define 'partner'. The more expectations, the harder it will be to find someone like that.

My requirements would tend to be non-exclusive, non-romantic, non-hierarchical, non-nesting preferably having other partners.
Which whilst seeming fairly concise appear almost impossible to find. Since I'm not dealing with a random population. It's very much skewed towards those wanting amantonormativity. With other aros and (allo) Relationship Anarchists being a tiny minority...

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I just looked up relationship anarchy, and it really makes sense to me. Thanks for a new term!

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12 hours ago, LunarSeas said:

I just looked up relationship anarchy, and it really makes sense to me. Thanks for a new term!

 

I suspect that RA is something which makes sense to a fair number of aros.

 

One interesting thing is that quite a bit of polyamoury is about allos working out that "love" can be non-exclusive, something which tends to be obvious to aros.
Often the "poly community" is often not especially acessible to aros, most likely because of the proponderance of "opened up" couples...

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It's funny, because for a bit a couple of years ago, I thought I could do poly relations, but then all the literature about "no, we're totally committed to all our loves, really!!!1" and, ugh, that's just so much work, and doesn't fit with my aro brain, obviously. 

RA is better, because it doesn't have the proscribed "commitment" built in as a default. Whatever commitment means, anyway.

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On 30 August 2016 at 3:48 PM, Mark said:

My requirements would tend to be non-exclusive, non-romantic, non-hierarchical, non-nesting preferably having other partners.
Which whilst seeming fairly concise appear almost impossible to find.

The average person's expectations are so low, sometimes I'm shocked. Like decent hygiene? The willingness to talk about feelings? Facial symmetry? Especially straight women can be impressed by the bare minimum or something completely ridiculous. And we are talking about intelligent, independent grown adults. I get it, relationships are important to them but some people have heart shaped sunglasses for eyes sometimes.9_9

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On 26/8/2016 at 3:02 AM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

 It's something that would be nice to fulfill but doesn't feel so dire as to be called a need.

...this. This is seriously all I needed to hear. 

While reading I thought, well, I think I wouldn't actually mind if in the future I'd actually find someone I enjoy being with, in particular if the bond is lived peacefully, and with no pretenses of labeling something which I know for sure would make me just so anxious and unwell. It's not something I'm craving like air, or anything like what I see in many people who just seem always on the look for someone to be with, but maybe, if with the right person (or persons? I think that would be ok as well) I'd not be averse to try. So, I'm not really an "extremist"  in one way or the other, but still, I'm glad this was written. :)

Also, the RA things, and the requirements things? So true, so relatable. 

Thanks, I didn't know about it. :)

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can understand that, but only on a sexual level. Genuine romantic attraction's honestly completely beyond me. I don't know. I feel a bit "broken". More "alien" than "broken", to be honest, as stupid and stereotypical as that sounds, hence my daft display name (I can't wait for the display name change period to be up...). It's that overused autism metaphor, the "I was born on the wrong planet" feeling. That, or, I remember in an immersion French class reading a poem in which the stars all speak the same language, and the narrator can never understand it. 

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11 hours ago, Aro Alien said:

I feel a bit "broken". More "alien" than "broken", to be honest, as stupid and stereotypical as that sounds, hence my daft display name

I actually like your name. I've always felt like an alien among humans as well. :icecream:

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On 10/1/2016 at 1:30 AM, Aro Alien said:

I can't wait for the display name change period to be up...

 

I have the power to change it now if you'd like. :) Just PM me.

 

I too sometimes feel like an alien. It's more like I am just out of tune with how most people think. It's a bit isolating truthfully.

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On 01/10/2016 at 6:30 AM, Aro Alien said:

can understand that, but only on a sexual level. Genuine romantic attraction's honestly completely beyond me. I don't know. I feel a bit "broken". More "alien" than "broken", to be honest, as stupid and stereotypical as that sounds, hence my daft display name (I can't wait for the display name change period to be up...). It's that overused autism metaphor, the "I was born on the wrong planet" feeling.

Whilst it might be something of a cliché I also find romance to be very much of an alien concept.

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