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what is demiromantic

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what is a demiromantic? I think I might be demi, when I think back on how I felt about a couple of people. but it is not really the classic romantic feelings, so i thought it was just platonic stuff. but I think it might be romantic, just not classic romantic. what are ways in which I can tell?

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Do you feel crushes shortly after meeting certain people? Or do crushes only form for people you have known for months or years?

 

That's the difference between romantic and demiromantic.

 

If you aren't sure then look for the other discussions here about what a crush is.

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The above post.

Being demiromantic means being unable to be attracted until the switch happens, generally with a very close friend, but nothing prevents squishes to happen long before. Just no crushes. It's like being aromantic, but with a very rare exceptions for a few best friends, and platonic relationships can be valued and desired as much as for aromantics or not depending on the person. There isn't any confusion of feelings, more of a dual personality if you want.

I find that your posts remind me more of quoiromantic feelings. A bit like Amy Ghost's posts on AVEN.

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I do not really feel the classic form of a crush, no, but I suspect i can feel a crush after a certain time like a demiromantic. it isn't easy for me to discern whether or not what I feel is a crush because I do not feel it right now and if i have felt it in the past haven't felt it in a while. which is why i am not sure whether i am aro, demi, or grey... if what I think makes me demi really is just platonic feelings, then I am aro. if instead it is really just a next stage of what I feel early in a friendship, then i am just grey... but I am not sure because in the past year I have gained new knowledge about romantic spectrum, but haven't had these feelings since three years ago, so i cannot apply the knowledge appropriately to the feelings, that's just the way things go. In my memory I called certain things crushes that were probably just squishes.

 

what exactly is the switch? does it have to be a sudden thing, or can it be a threshold thing, like at some point that is at least a month into knowing a person but some times earlier I notice certain platonic feelings growing that aren't normal platonic feelings in most other friendships, but are definitely not romantic either, but that just a few times in my past (in the demi hypothesis) have grown to become romantic feelings. so that in this way, I can tell before the "switch" that the switch could happen. if it is true that my feelings do sometimes turn into romantic feelings, would that just make me grey instead of demi? or just introspective enough to predict a switch sometimes?

 

what if i am quoi-demi, lol. if that is the way i am how would i name it?

 

anyway it's possible i have to assume i am aro until another switch shows me i am demi. but like i said it's possible i am grey, which I could tell based off of feelings I have had recently. 

 

ps. anytime people talk about what a crush verse a squish is, or talking about what romantic attraction feels like, it is almost always just a bunch of people saying it is hard to define, very variable, and depends on the individual's judgement... if that makes me quioromantic, then everyone should be quioromantic... i just want better clarity, when there is very little clarity at all. 

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In my personal opinion, I'm feeling like there must be something more than just demi, even if you are, because of how your feelings seem to be on the line between romance and friendship. So whatever it is, it sounds like some type of grey... I'd say to use demi if ever at some point, you're pretty sure that there is something genuinely romantic about your feelings that apply only to close friends. If ever you aren't sure and you use this identification, and you have a partner, your partner might expect something more romantic from you with time than what you might be able to give. So it may give a wrong message to a partner, like "please wait until I'm ready, because once I'm ready I'll be fully romantic with you". It's even a problem for any demiromantic person as anyone interested might imagine that a demiromantic person will necessarily become romantic with them with time while it's actually only a random (and very small) chance.

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that does make sense. I kind of want to lean more heavily on the demi because it seems more definitively available than "grey" does. but then, going by "quoi" would be much more meaningful to my friends, since my seemingly romantic behavior that isn't romantic for me at all just affectionate can be confusing to them. and like you said... my feelings do not really get to be "full" I suppose. I mean I'm pretty sure I've only felt them for three people. and my feelings were only at their strongest after I was no longer in contact with them.... 

 

but I guess I am worried about "quoi" because, it honestly seems like a fancy term for "questioning". but it isn't, is it? 

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25 minutes ago, SwankyPants said:

but I guess I am worried about "quoi" because, it honestly seems like a fancy term for "questioning". but it isn't, is it? 

From my understanding of quoi/wtf, it means something along the lines of you not being able to understand romantic things, and thinking of romance as a nonsensical concept that you cannot possibly ever hope to understand because it's simply too ludicrous. Something like that, I think.

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yeah... that just sounds like immaturity and ignorance to me. not like an orientation. 

 

I can imagine how I feel could be considered quoiromantic, based off the observation that I tend to say or act in ways that seem romantic towards my friends but isn't, and the fact that I almost obsessively question whether or not my feelings for a person really are platonic when it should be obvious to me that they are just platonic, and also because my actual romantic experience for the most part feels no different from my squishes except that there's something in the back of my mind that tells me "it's obviously different and why don't you see this thing you daft idiot. " hehe.

 

 

but IMO it makes more sense to call me grey or demi than this "quoi" label that sounds like a poor mix of questioning and ignorance, by its description... 

 

and anyway, isn't it amatanormative to say that demi's are expected to fall hard full in love when the flip does switch? I'm sure that I wouldn't be the only demi to much rather prefer to weigh the value of their romantic relationships based off of nonromantic things, and appreciate the romantic feelings if they come as a secondary attribute of the relationship. 

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I don't necessarily think that being quoiromantic is immature. It's just that i can imagine how weird it must be to being unable to make the difference between romantic feelings and friendly feelings. I suppose this is only possible if the person isn't very romantic, to the point where they can feel only a hint of attraction that easily gets integrated in more platonic feelings. A confused grey-romantic variant.

About demiromanticism, I'd be completely unable to imagine that friendship couldn't be valued as the most important component, as romance can only derive from friendship and therefore is a transformed subset of it, sort of. But I can easily imagine somebody who expects a demiromantic person to automatically fall in love, especially if this person is somebody they have a crush on. They expect their feelings to be returned one day, simply because they desire it, and the contrary would sadden them so much that they don't want to take the possibility into consideration.

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On 27 July 2016 at 6:45 PM, SwankyPants said:

I almost obsessively question whether or not my feelings for a person really are platonic when it should be obvious to me that they are just platonic, and also because my actual romantic experience for the most part feels no different from my squishes except that there's something in the back of my mind that tells me "it's obviously different and why don't you see this thing you daft idiot. "

I do this all the time too...

 

As for quoi... I'm about 90% sure by now that I'm really actually aromantic, but the concept of romance is just so alien to me. I actually didn't think I was even on the aromantic spectrum until I read the definition of wtf/quoi romantic. Then I was like YES that's totally me! So... I think it's a perfectly valid thing. Before I read about wtf/quoi I thought I actually do experience romantic attraction towards people, but I was confusing platonic/squish stuff with romance. I thought it's the same thing. How could I possibly know otherwise without actually experiencing the real thing? It's like describing a sunset to a person who's never been able to see...

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at this point I've determined that I've had a total of four romantic crushes, two of which counter the demi assumption, but the other two which are the reason for my thinking I was demi. and in the end the thing is that... my decision making when it comes to romance is very aromantic in effect. so I am grey romantic, huzzah. but I think I will continue to ID by the companionate label. it is like Rising Sun said. a romantic person would not find my emotional connection to them satisfying. an aromantic would. that's what's really important isn't it? 

 

TBH I ID'd more strongly with aromantic all since I've learned about it more so than with asexual all since I've learned about it. and now that I've identified what level of romantic emotions I actually do feel, the thing is... I don't care about them at all xD I'd almost rather never feel them again 'cause it's simpler. so it seems useless to go on about my grey-ness. I'd rather develop aromantic language of affection, that is both honest but affectionate. so that I can "flirt" aromantically hehe. not that it is meaningful since I would say the same things towards friends as towards "crushes" - i'd just be consiously doing it and more often with a crush, or doing it more directly or something IDK. humans confuse me so I'm just gonna go hide where I am alone, it is simpler. 

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4 minutes ago, SwankyPants said:

and now that I've identified what level of romantic emotions I actually do feel, the thing is... I don't care about them at all xD I'd almost rather never feel them again 'cause it's simpler.

LOL... yeah, I know what you mean! So many unnecessary complications. And humans confuse the hell out of me too... that's why I hide alone most of the time. I only get along with other people who are at least a bit weird & crazy... they confuse me too, but at least they get my sense of humour. :)

But I do find it easier talking to the voices in my head than to real people...

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On 29/07/2016 at 2:21 AM, SoulWolf said:

I'm about 90% sure by now that I'm really actually aromantic, but the concept of romance is just so alien to me. I actually didn't think I was even on the aromantic spectrum until I read the definition of wtf/quoi romantic. Then I was like YES that's totally me! So... I think it's a perfectly valid thing. Before I read about wtf/quoi I thought I actually do experience romantic attraction towards people, but I was confusing platonic/squish stuff with romance.

I would also describe romance as "alien".
It also took a lot of time for me to recognise that what I was feeling towards people was not "romantic". Since it typically goes unacknowlaged that non-romantic attractions can be of an intense nature. Also having sexual/platonic/sensual/aestetic attractions towards 6-8 people concurrently can be hugely draining.

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On 23/07/2016 at 0:50 AM, SwankyPants said:

what is a demiromantic? I think I might be demi, when I think back on how I felt about a couple of people. but it is not really the classic romantic feelings, so i thought it was just platonic stuff. but I think it might be romantic, just not classic romantic. what are ways in which I can tell?

IIRC a demi-romantic is someone who only experiences secondary romantic attraction. (Whereas allo-romantics are capable of both primary and secondary romantic attraction.)
Thus can only be romantically attracted to people they are already in some kind of relationship with.Which can easily be an problem in itself, any secondary attraction within an existing relationship being disruptive. (Especially if if is not reciprecated or the other person does not believe that secondary attraction is possible.)
As for how you'd tell that is a difficult question...

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