I’m in a relationship only to realize I’m arospec

[Guest Eli]

I’m so confused and overwhelmed with guilt. Let me start further back in time. 
 

I was in an 8year relationship with a guy when I was 18. I had low self esteem and was depressed and clung to him because I thought no one else would care for me. When he told me he loved me, I literally had fantasies about running away. But I stayed. I started drinking. Heavily. Using drugs. 
 

At 26 it finally clicked I didn’t want this. So I left and moved down south. I started living this new life where I slept with a lot of people. But I could only do it when I was drunk. And I was always drinking. Got into a relationship which felt more like obsession. That one didn’t last long luckily. 
 

I moved up north for a little while (I like moving around). Still heavily drinking and using drugs. It was the only way I felt like a normal person. 
 

before my 30th birthday, something terrible happened to me. I moved back in with my parents and stopped all the drinking and drug use. I realized a lot about myself, that I actually wasn’t attracted to men and I didn’t care for sex at all. That I’m non binary and loved being alone. I started to think I was aroace. 
 

a few months before my last birthday (32), a friend introduced me to a lesbian friend of hers who was also into the same things I was. I got my first “crush” in a very long time. It’s long distance which really worked for me, since I was still dealing with a lot. 
 

We’ve seen each other often and it’s been nice. And it’s been around almost 6 months. 
 

But I’ve been struggling with the aro feelings. Because it was new and exciting at first but I’ve just been telling myself “oh you’ll eventually fall for her.” I like her and care about her but I feel so overwhelmed, even so far away. I’m going on vacation to see her in less than two weeks and I’m absolutely terrified she’s going to tell me she loves me. I know I need to talk to her but she’s a great person and I feel so guilty. I have no desire to be romantically involved with anyone. 
 

on another note, I’ve noticed in threads a lot of y’all don’t like romance in fiction. I’m an avid reader and I ADORE a good romance in the story. I like the fantasy of it, have written stories with a romance (even tho I always feel as if I’m writing it wrong, I use what I know based of movies and books), but when it comes to real life I have no desire for it. 
 

am I even aro? Or am I an a-hole? 
 

ever since I started to get my life back together, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m not depressed. But this issue is weighing so heavily on me. I’m terrified of hurting her. I like to move around and thought earlier on that moving up to her would be awesome. But now I realize it would feel too permanent. I feel stuck just thinking about it. I like to hold her hand and cuddle with her, but I can’t feel much more than “like.”

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Sure sounds like you're aro. You know you don't have to partner up if you don't want to, right? Like, I know society says you're supposed to, but you can literally just... Not do that. If being in a relationship sounds suffocating to you, then don't. It's not worth it. If you're just looking for friends, or someone to bang, you can do that without having a long-term partnership as well.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Jot-Aro Kujo

[EliTheGoalie]

34 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Sure sounds like you're aro. You know you don't have to partner up if you don't want to, right? Like, I know society says you're supposed to, but you can literally just... Not do that. If being in a relationship sounds suffocating to you, then don't. It's not worth it. If you're just looking for friends, or someone to bang, you can do that without having a long-term partnership as well.

Yeah, I realize I don’t have to partner up but I suppose at the time it hadn’t quite hit me. Still in the process of self discovery, things I’ve suppressed about myself. Idk how to break it off with her without sounding like a total douche. 

[Nix]

3 hours ago, Guest Eli said:

But this issue is weighing so heavily on me. I’m terrified of hurting her.

I hate to say this but if you don’t talk to her about what you are going through, you are definitely going to hurt her. Because the passing of those two weeks are going to stress you out even more and then the weight that is heavy now will become unbearable. It sounds cliche but communication is key in any relationship.

Also, you are not an a-hole! Aro’s come in all sorts of shapes and forms. Some love romance in fiction, others hate it. There is no clearly defined ‘aromantic’ since we are all different. But some of our experiences overlap and that is what connects us.

[Holmbo]

Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate it.

It's not your fault how you feel. Just as it's not her fault if she has romantic feelings for you. We can't control the absence or presence of romantic love. I've seen many aros wonder if they're just "selfish" or "asholes". Only you can decide if the aro label fit you though.