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Confused


_pc_
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Ok, so I've been thinking and I'm very confused.

I'm okay with she/her pronouns, I would be fine with she/they pronouns. I really don't care what people call me tbh. Even if it's he/him, which has never happened, but if it did I wouldn't be offended or anything, just confused.

I don't like being called a 'girl' or 'woman,' but I think that's because 'girl' seems like a little girl to me, which I'm not, and 'woman' I picture as a grown adult, I'm just aged somewhere in the weird middle ground rn. 

I don't want to be a man, but I want to appear masculine/androgynous. I like shopping in the mens section. I don't like crop tops, dresses, skirts, jewlery (except string bracelets). If I were to go to a fancy event, I would very much rather wear a suit than a dress. For recent events I've just been wearing dress pants and a nice shirt.

The thing that's confused me the most though is that I like having a flat/smaller chest. Only on some days. I wear nike sports bras the majority of the time bc they make my chest appear smaller. I only wear sports bras, I hate the other kind. I'm happy when I look at my side profile in the mirror and it looks flatter. I've used ace bandages before (JUST TO SEE HOW IT WORKED DW IT WAS ONLY A FEW MINUTES) and tried on some shirts to see if I liked how it looked. I do. I would be happy to have a completely flat chest on some days, but not every day. The reason I'm confused though is that I'm not dysphoric. I'm fine with my chest the way it is, I'd just like to have it smaller on some days, not all of them (some days I like it how it is), but most.

Oh, also, whenever I see people that I think have nice bodies, usually men, I'm like "damn. I wish I looked like that." I'm obsessed with shoulder and arm muscle if that means anything. I have a decent amount of it, I just want it to be visible without flexing. Anyway, idk if thats gender envy or just aesthetic attraction.

I'm trying to figure out if I just want to look masculine/androgynous or it's something more.

Any help is appreciated :)

Edited by _pc_
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Hm, reading this made me realise we have a lot in common 😅 I’ve never given it much thought but I too hate overly feminine clothes and prefer to wear mens clothes especially to formal events. Also a lot of feminine clothes are made out of synthetics and I really don’t like how that feels. Cotton please.

My chest is very small and I really like that. Never wanted it to be bigger. I also love shoulder/arm muscles and was really pleased when I picked up archery a few years back and my T-shirts suddenly did not fit my shoulders anymore. I train in muay thai now and I like how that makes me more muscular without it being too obvious.

I guess in my case it is a form of aesthetic attraction. I don’t want to look more masculine because I don’t feel like a women but it just feels ‘right’?

Anyway I don’t know if this helped you at all, but just know you aren’t alone :)

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