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aro but I want a relationship (?)


Zoey
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In advance: I've started identifying as an aro only recently so I'm still new to the terminology that is used within the community.

I'm definitely aromantic/somewhere on the aro spectrum. It's taking me some time to accept it but I try my best to come to terms with it and the misunderstanding from others that it entails. The thing is, I realized I still want a relationship. I know I'm unable to 'fall in love' in a romantic way but I am definitely able to love in a way that's not as intense/passionate but still genuine and I would like a special someone to direct this love to. I would also be okay with this someone being romantically attracted to me as long as they would be okay with me not reciprocating those feelings. Is there a label for feeling this way/some labels that I could look into to better understand what's up with me?

Also, I'm kind of a cold (?) person in general - I mean, I don't get too excited about things, be it people, events, topics or whatever. I can be focused on something but I'm hardly ever excited. I think I might have dysthymia (I was diagnosed with depression once and I'm going to see a specialist again to look into it more soon) and sometimes I wonder if it isn't the reason for my aromanticism? I know that the fact that someone's aromanticism/asexuality is (partly?) a result of some kind of neurodivergence doesn't make their identity less valid and all that - I just wonder if it wouldn't be something worth looking into to better understand my feelings. Maybe someone here has some experiences with their neurodivergence/mental condition affecting the way they experience romantic (and/or sexual) attraction?

Edited by Zoey
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For relationships, you might be interested in concepts like queerplatonic relationships (QPRs):

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A committed non-romantic relationship that goes beyond what is the subjective cultural norm for a friendship. Levels of intimacy and/or behaviors between the partners involved often don’t fit the conventional standards set by society. Some QPRs can include sex and elements that are generally considered romantic. In practice every queerplatonic relationship is different. Abbreviated to QPR, and queerplatonic (quasiplatonic) partner to QPP. Another common word for QPP used to be zucchini.

- AUREA

And romo-aro:

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Describes a person who is on the aromantic spectrum and experiences romantic attraction in some way or who desires/is in a romantic relationship. Stands for “romantic aromantic.”

- AUREA

"Partnering" and "amorous" are other terms in the aro community you might find helpful! And, apparently adfecturomantic /affecturomantic is a term for someone whose orientation is affected by neurodivergency.

I also consider myself "cold" lol. Or "inert". My affect can be flat, I very much enjoy things like company and cohabitation but find it difficult to become attached to others, I don't form strong emotionally-driven opinions as often as others. I can be disinterested in things/people that I "should" have some type of feelings over. I do attribute this to neurodivergency (not quite sure what type though) and I believe it does contribute to me being aro. But being neurodivergent and aromantic are aso tied up in a few other things, so I'm not sure I can offer experiences that stem from just neurodivergency- it's all difficult to tease apart 😅

But I know I'd also like a QPR or some type of committed relationship. I see "secondary/tertiary partner in a polycule" as another potential option, and probably the only option where I could see myself partnering with an alloromantic person.

Edited by Apex
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  • 3 weeks later...
On 10/31/2021 at 6:06 AM, Zoey said:

The thing is, I realized I still want a relationship. I know I'm unable to 'fall in love' in a romantic way but I am definitely able to love in a way that's not as intense/passionate but still genuine and I would like a special someone to direct this love to. I would also be okay with this someone being romantically attracted to me as long as they would be okay with me not reciprocating those feelings. Is there a label for feeling this way/some labels that I could look into to better understand what's up with me?

You might want to look into cupioromantic! It refers to an aromantic person who still desires a romantic relationship

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