"Coming Out" (but not really)

[ArothrutheMoon]

Weird question, but does anybody else ever "come out" as smth not aro? 

As a bit of background, I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian area in the western US and a couple of years ago moved to a *slightly* more liberal corner of the western US. It's enough that sexuality is usually pretty accepted but gender feels a little iffier and most people aren't super educated on either. I'm agender/genderfluidish but use all pronouns, so unless I feel really comfortable w someone I just let them assume pronouns and leave the topic be. I'm aro and ace-spec, I think, but I'm not sure exactly where the second half of that falls. I know I'm not into men tho, or at least not 99% of them. 

As a result of that and also probably being chronically online during the Discourse™ in the years I was figuring out my orientation, I absolutely hate it when ppl think I'm straight. I can handle the dysphoria from them thinking I'm a woman, that's whatever, just as long as they don't think I'm a straight cis woman. But at the same time, the effort it takes to come out as aro? Absolutely ridiculous. If any group can understand y'all can, I'm sure. The "PowerPoint", the definitions, the defense that it can even exist, that there's nothing wrong with me, that I don't need to be "fixed"—it's exhausting, especially when I'm dealing w my own internalized aphobia at the same time. 

So I've just been kind of...implying I'm a lesbian instead. 

I dress pretty butch, my ex is a girl, and it's really, really easy to just let people make assumptions and draw their own conclusions. I think I might lean that way sexually, too, so it's almost true? But not really.  I'm very very aro and my sexual attraction isn't strong enough to feel like it counts on its own. Plus I don't want a relationship beyond maybe FWB, and it just doesn't feel like it fits? 

(Note: there are totally aroace and aspec lesbians and sapphics and that's so super valid!—just not a label that fits me comfortably I think)

I've been doing this for a while, pretty much ever since I properly realized just how difficult it is to be openly aro. If I could be, I would—I wear my pride pins often, and if someone actually asks me I tell them and go through the trouble to define it. But it's honestly just too exhausting where I am now. Lately, though, I've been wondering if this is a more common experience. I've made a couple friends here who're aspec, but all of the ones I'm close to use the SAM and have another orientation too. Do any of y'all do anything similar? 

TL;DR I'm aro nonbinary and not a lesbian, but imply I am to avoid aphobia, dysphoria, and straight men. Anybody else?? 

 

[Thiel]

 

19 hours ago, ArothrutheMoon said:

But at the same time, the effort it takes to come out as aro? Absolutely ridiculous. If any group can understand y'all can, I'm sure. The "PowerPoint", the definitions, the defense that it can even exist, that there's nothing wrong with me, that I don't need to be "fixed"—it's exhausting, especially when I'm dealing w my own internalized aphobia at the same time.

I'm possibly agender, heterosexual and aromantic, and I'm not out to anyone IRL. When my friends ask, I simply say I don't want a relationship and I'm just looking for a FWB. So for them I'm a cishet woman too busy for a relationship. I don't think they would have any problem with it, but like you, I just feel it's too much effort to describe agender or aromantic.