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How to say no


nonmerci
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Hello people.

So I am in a not very comfortable situation right now.

While I was waiting for my train, a guy began to talk to me, and in the end, ask for my number. The fact that he looks for a romantic relationship is obvious, even if I said I am not interested and said no to a coffee with him. I mean, one of the first question he asked was if I was married and then, why I wasn't...

Anyway, usually in these cases, I give a false number so I don't have to justify myself after I said twice that I wasn't interested. Unfortunately, the guy was clever enough to verify the number, and then he gave me his and asked that I call. I did and realized only after that if I call him, then he has my number...

 

I don't feel comfortable because : I really don't want to see him again. I don't want a romantic relationship (as you must guess), but I also don't want a friendship because I know what he will want from a friendship, which is not a friendship. However I also feel guilty because I feel like I wasn't strict enough when I said no. I did say I wasn't interested at least twice, but I also give my number... Not that I really wanted to give my number, but as you see, I am not very good at saying no.

 

Anyway I don't know what to do. Ghosting him is harsh, but I'm scared that I have to justify myself if he calls me and asks me out. I am also anxious at the idea to see him again, because it is possible that we will take the train at the same time again.

 

I miss the time when I look like a teen and that doesn't happen...

Any advice?

 

EDIT : not exactly the same subject, but I want to hide that something that annoys me, is that when he asked why I was't married or interested, I wanted to say "because I am aro", but didn't because I knew I would have faced negationism, and it would have made me even more upset. 

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While I don't feel quite qualified to give definitive 'this is absolutely the best way to handle this kinda of situation' advice due to lack of experience, I do want to say, ghosting him is absolutely not harsh given the context. If you told him you weren't interested even once, the respectful thing to do would be accept it. The fact that he didn't listen to two rejections and then aggressively manipulated the situation to get your number (checking the first number like a creep, insisting you call him, etc.) is honestly a big red flag. That is not a guy who is going to respect your boundaries in any kind of relationship.You don't owe him any explanations or justifications of any kind.

Blocking his number would be one thing to do. As for the risk of seeing him again in person...is there any way to take a slightly earlier train when you need to use that route, or arrange to have someone trusted with you if you can't? It's technically possible he doesn't use that route/time consistently too. Otherwise, all I can think is that if ghosting doesn't get the message across, then reporting him to the authorities if he bothers you again, or looking for a friendly stranger to stay near/subtly ask for help from (this is definitely more of a last resort, but in general staying in public and getting the attention of others I see as advice for dealing with a threatening person without escalating things). 

If anyone else with more experience with this kind of situation has more informed/detailed advice to give, then that would probably be better to listen to. But definitely you are wholly in the right to want to get rid of this guy as soon as possible, the situation isn't your fault for not being forceful, he should have just respected you in the first place.

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absolutely agree with Autumn there 100%. Ghosting is not harsh at all, especially as this guy is a stranger. He's the one in the wrong here. You said you were uninterested, he pestered you for a phone number essentially. I wouldn't even want to be an acquaintance of his knowing he acts like this.

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Ye i'd ghost him because the way he forced the number out of u is not nice that is creepy how he got you to ring him, most people do not go that far. He took advantage of ur courtesy and it's not ur fault u didn't say no. 

I am one who thinks ghosting is very bad however if it is like putting u in an uncomfortable situation then it is warranted for sure as this is a rando who forces out ur number. I'd even block. If anything maybe it will teach him a lesson not to mess with others like that, it is not the way to treat other people at all. I don't know what he wants to get from it.

 

Edited by mewix
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i also want to add, i think you made the right decision not saying you are aro. I've several lesbian friends who have been in similar situations, and have told the man "I am a lesbian, I will never be interested", and the man has just taken that as a challenge. it's unfortunate, but as you say i think he would just start arguing that he could fix you or similar. 

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Thanks for all your responses.

I guess I also feel guilty because the guy sounded nice except the "no" part, you know? It's not like you see on tv with people who have "creep" written on your face, if you see what I mean.

8 hours ago, Autumn said:

is there any way to take a slightly earlier train when you need to use that route, or arrange to have someone trusted with you if you can't? It's technically possible he doesn't use that route/time consistently too.

The train I usually take was suppress, but his is only a few minutes after (to simplify,  there is a train direct to Paris, that he took, and a train that is not direct, which was mine).

However I am not supposed to take the train. I only do because my bus is on strike for three week now, and it seems it will not stop soon. (I suppose, French people earned their reputation on this one lol) Hopefully it won't take too long.

 

8 hours ago, nisse said:

i also want to add, i think you made the right decision not saying you are aro. I've several lesbian friends who have been in similar situations, and have told the man "I am a lesbian, I will never be interested", and the man has just taken that as a challenge. it's unfortunate, but as you say i think he would just start arguing that he could fix you or similar. 

Yeah you probably right... I'd rather not face negationism with all the rest.

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5 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I guess I also feel guilty because the guy sounded nice except the "no" part, you know? It's not like you see on tv with people who have "creep" written on your face, if you see what I mean.

Sad thing is, those ideas of creepy looking guys are largely rubbish and based on making fun of men who don't conform to societal standards of beauty.

Agreed with the other comments.  Do not respond and do what you can to keep away from him.

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Thank you.

He hasn't texted me since the "hello" he sent le on what's app just after he left (like, man why bother find me on what's app), so hopefully he get it after I ignored him.

Edit : forget what I said, he just called me (on my lunch pause, like I don't have anything better to do at this time lol). I ignored him.

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You could say that you are focused on your job and you do not want to see anyone. If he insists, just let him know that he will never have a chance to be with you in a sexual nor romantic scenario. If he takes it like a challenge, say you challenge him to leave you alone for 50 years. If someone cannot take a no for an answer, they are being childish. Safety first, and when you can restore your original schedule with the bus, I would say to block his number. Usually people don't continue to pursue someone when you don't talk to them for a long while. 

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yeah i'd say straight up block his number, don't even engage tbh. you've already rejected him twice, he doesn't need more engagement (good that you're ignoring him! but in case he calls again)

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As others have said, ghost him. Ignore him. If you see him again, maybe try yelling at him the most foul of curse words and embarrass him to the point where he won't even want to acknowledge that you exist. That'll get the attention of those around you ! If he still continues, call authorities for a potential restraining order, etc. If he still continues, see if he can't be exiled from France (perhaps send him to TON 618 [the largest known black hole in existence]?). If he persists yet more, it'll be time to have authorities execute him (though this should ONLY be a last resort).

On 9/27/2021 at 9:41 AM, nonmerci said:

I guess I also feel guilty because the guy sounded nice except the "no" part, you know? It's not like you see on tv with people who have "creep" written on your face, if you see what I mean.

It's understandable to feel guilty in this situation -- I don't blame you. HOWEVER: Him being "nice" is only a façade so as to psychologically trick you into thinking he's a good person with good intentions. If he gets you far enough into his grip where he thinks it'll be unlikely that you'll escape, his true colors will emerge, and he might even be WORSE than those creeps you may have seen on TV !!

Also note that, as you mentioned in this excerpt, his "no" didn't sound very nice. That gives me a clue that he already has no good intentions in mind for you and is only trying to control you, while sounding "nice" only if you're agreeable (based on what you said, it sounded like he was only "nice" most of the time because you were agreeable most of the time...). His tone of voice with the "no" already revealed what kind of a person he is. If you want to know a person's true colors, don't give them what they want and see how they react.

What I've said may seem harsh, but it's a wake-up call to the actual intents of these real-world creeps.

Edited by RepublicServicesVolunteer
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  • 2 weeks later...

For anyone who wonders, I ignore the call for two days. I thought I may send a message explaining I'm not interested if that continues, as you suggested, but he stops calling then.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

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On 9/30/2021 at 3:07 AM, RepublicServicesVolunteer said:

It's understandable to feel guilty in this situation -- I don't blame you. HOWEVER: Him being "nice" is only a façade so as to psychologically trick you into thinking he's a good person with good intentions.

💯 💯 💯

Let's take a look at this guy's actual actions, during your first interaction with him:

  • When you said said you weren't interested, he continued to pressure you
  • When you said you weren't interested a second time, he continued to pressure you
  • When you were reluctant to give him your phone number, he forced you to reveal it in a way that couldn't be circumvented 

This isn't a well-meaning nice man, this is a modus operandi. He may have "sounded nice", but this guy has proven definitively by his actions that he has no respect for your comfort or boundaries, only in getting what he wants out of you. You don't owe him, or anyone like him, any politeness or respect.

Ghost him, block his number, make sure you aren't searchable by phone number on any social media platforms, and make sure your WhatsApp profile or anything else tied to your phone number doesn't reveal any more personal information in case he goes looking.

Society teaches women to be polite and respectful no matter how many boundaries men trample over, and that's bullshit. I know it's not always safe or easy to do so, but next time someone tries to pull something like this on you, try just telling them outright, "No, please leave me alone." You may discover very quickly just how "nice" they actually are (so again, only try it if you're in a safe place). But I find that every time you practise enforcing your boundaries like this, it gets easier. You are under no obligation to pretend to like a total stranger who has decided they want something from you. "No, please leave me alone" is a perfectly polite thing to say.

Edited by eatingcroutons
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If he is calling that is taking it very far. Like calling is definitely very out the ordinary in the days of texting, particularly as he is doing it in response to you not replying to a text first then persisting on, when he doesn't even know you, if it were so important he could have texted you.

I think I would just block, why even reply imo.

Someone who keeps going on and on pushing like that is not worthy of your time. You don't owe anything not replying to begin with was already a reply in a sense that it communicates you do not want to talk. If it were me i'd be very creeped out and uncomfortable. It is like those scam callers I mean do you answer? Or do you just block lol. That is what I would do. Someone just trying to hook you in like those sales people in the street who pretend to be nice and say wow ur so pretty but all they want is to sell u something xD but ofc sending one single message to say im not interested may help in some cases if you feel that would work.

Edited by mewix
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4 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

make sure you aren't searchable by phone number on any social media platforms, and make sure your WhatsApp profile or anything else tied to your phone number doesn't reveal any more personal information in case he goes looking.

I'm not on social media so I am safe with that. The only reason I got what's app is because the other trainees use it and it is useful to have information or support each other. I only use it for that.

(Years of not sharing the interest of my generation for social media is finally useful lol)

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"No" is a full sentence. You don't have to give an explanation. If someone approach you and doesn't accept a no they're a creep (regardless of physical appearance or social skills) and IMO one should just ignore them, or leave if possible.

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