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Scared of people thinking you're in love with them?


arofox
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Does anyone else has this fear that when you're to close/nice with people they'll think you have a crush on them?

It happens a lot with me when I hang around with guys [stupid heteronormativity :( ]. I become paranoid of being "to much" and them thinking I like them romantically. Sometimes even to the point where I out myself, just so they know I'll never be interested in them.

I hope that one day I finally will get over this and don't let societies point of view on affection destroy my platonic relationships <3

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YES absolutely. and I feel you on the man thing - i'm not out gender-wise in my day to day life. i also have a hard time parsing what's flirting and what's just friendly talking, so sometimes i'll think someone is flirting and i figure i should shut that down soon-as, but then i have a little goblin in my head go "oh don't you think highly of yourself, thinking they're all flirting with you, as if"

it's almost worse when i see allo friends having no issue keeping that platonic friend relationship with people of genders they are attracted to/that are attracted to their gender. it becomes this intense self examination and i get stuck in my own head, over-analyzing everything i say.

love that circle 🙃  

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17 hours ago, nisse said:

 but then i have a little goblin in my head go "oh don't you think highly of yourself, thinking they're all flirting with you, as if"

Yo, Ive had this thought....  

All my friends are dudes, so I don't have this fear that much. Im male by the way..

This problem seems most prevalent with opposite sex ppl.

I really dont have any female friends, and am afraid to because they will probably mistake my intentions for being romantic/sexual. 

Also I dont see the point in having female friends who are not aro, heres why.

Female allos either want a romantic relationship , or want friend with benefits (im ace no thanks)... 

Lastly their boyfriend or later on fiancée will get jealous so bye bye friendship.

Ive never had female friends but this is just obstacles I forsee. 

This sounds pessimistic but im just thinking realistically here

 

 

Edited by Ikarus
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I've had this fear and still do sometimes. However, I don't back down and continue to be nice and friendly and eventually they see that I don't have any ulterior motives and after that point, it all goes better and better. I've lost some friendship to female friends tho, because after they see that I don't want any kind of romantic or sexual relationship, they won't get what they looking for. I don't blame them, if I go to a store and they don't have something I have, I don't buy and go to another store. So yes, the fear is there, but if I want to be friends with that person I will go the extra mile for them. If it doesn't work, we go separate ways, but if it does you got yourself a fren ^^

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This is a concern for me also, and I manage it mostly by being pretty open about being unromanceable. I am not a very outwardly expressive person, and it does take a while for me to get close to people. So my logic is, if I am close enough to someone to be so friendly that I am concerned it is taken the wrong way, then we are close enough that I can let them know I'm aro.

And yes, I do feel it more with opposite-sex friendships, heteronormativity and all, but I still want to add a WTF to this idea:

On 9/25/2021 at 6:13 PM, Ikarus said:

Also I dont see the point in having female friends who are not aro, heres why.

Female allos either want a romantic relationship , or want friend with benefits (im ace no thanks)... 

Lastly their boyfriend or later on fiancée will get jealous so bye bye friendship.

Ive never had female friends but this is just obstacles I forsee. 

You have concluded that women don't want friends?? for some reason?? and that all allo women are bound by fate to have jealous boyfriends? And then you admit you never even had any female friends you just made this whole thing up. Don't assume the intentions of people you don't even know.

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1 hour ago, Jedi said:

You have concluded that women don't want friends?? for some reason?? and that all allo women are bound by fate to have jealous boyfriends? And then you admit you never even had any female friends you just made this whole thing up. Don't assume the intentions of people you don't even know.

it's a bit clumsily written, but I think Ikarus was trying to express an inner fear/subconscious bias, not something he logically thinks, if that makes sense. Like, I know that the guy friends I have wouldn't suddenly think I'm flirting out of nowhere, but I still have that fear.

that's how I read it, though, I might be wrong.

but to add on: yeah, Ikarus, you should try to get some women friends. they're pretty great (:

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1 hour ago, Jedi said:

 

You have concluded that women don't want friends?? for some reason?? and that all allo women are bound by fate to have jealous boyfriends? And then you admit you never even had any female friends you just made this whole thing up. Don't assume the intentions of people you don't even know.

You are right Jedi, I was definitely generalizing females with the generalization brush there. Allow me to rephrase what I said above. 

Not all females are the way I described them above, fated to have jealous boyfriends, and not wanting friends. I am sure there are some females who would not mind having opposite sex friends. People are complicated and everyone is different, no one can generalize human behavior and put an entire sex of people into one box. 

Although I still think most females will probably have jealous boyfriends ect. And this is also true vise versa, jealous girlfriends, and other relationships. I might sound pessimistic hear but I really do think most people, not all, but most people generally view friendship as second rate. For example I know my friendships with my male friends are not secure/long lasting. They are in college right now, I rarely get to see them, and soon they will find girlfriends and most likely get married. 

After marriage its hard to see people as often, kids, and so on. You won’t get to spend nearly as much time as before they where married. Add on to that their girlfriends feelings and plans with them always will be a top priority above any plans I make with them. This is the problems I foresee with people who are the same sex as me. 

When I say foresee I simply mean having good foresight, risk assessment, and likely hood. I usually hope for the best but plan for the most likely scenario to happen when it comes to my friends. In other words these are obstacles I am anticipating, and don’t believe I can do much about them, since these outcomes are probably inevitable.

Now turning to possibly having female friendships / opposite sex friendships. I have never had one, that is true. Although this does not mean that I can’t make some good predictions about the potential difficulty there will be in maintaining an opposite sex friendship. 

More likely than not I believe "most people" who are of the opposite sex who actually do form some type of friendship, will still be very complicated to maintain. Society does not encourage opposite sex friendships, do you remember the last movie where to good opposite sex friends stayed friends and didn’t “fall in love” or have sex. Actually I can’t name any media representation of people who are really good opposite sex friends of the top of my head. I think in the dating world a friend simply means a prospect, a potential romantic partner. 

This is important because one of the big obstacles I see is someones girlfriend/boyfriend seeing you, the aromantic, as possibly being that persons prospect. Keep in mind most people don’t even believe aromantic people exist in the first place. This drama does not exist in my same sex friendships because I know they are straight, and they're girlfriends will never be jealous of me in the same way as an opposite sex friendship. Thats just how I see it though, and I’m sure people will disagree with me. This is why I see opposite sex friendships as being complicated, and potentially difficult to maintain. Also I see myself possibly entering a lot of drama during these relationships.

On the upside it is possible, however unlikely...

Edited by Ikarus
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Honestly I kind of want someone to fall in love with me just to validate "If I was a romantic, I'd be a good one." but I don't know if I'd be ready telling them that I'm probably not interested and it's 90% just because of my orientation.

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11 hours ago, nisse said:

it's a bit clumsily written, but I think Ikarus was trying to express an inner fear/subconscious bias, not something he logically thinks, if that makes sense. Like, I know that the guy friends I have wouldn't suddenly think I'm flirting out of nowhere, but I still have that fear.

I definitely understood this difference from your own post. I have a lot of illogical feelings myself that nonetheless have a large impact on me. I still feel like I have to react to "All   f e m a l e s   want X" though, when I see it crop up. It reminds me of the way incels speak. And I don't mean that only as is being disrespectful to women, but also in it being very inherently pessimistic as a way to look at things. There is a hopelessness to that worldview that I think is unhelpful.

11 hours ago, Ikarus said:

You are right Jedi, I was definitely generalizing females with the generalization brush there. Allow me to rephrase what I said above. 

That does explain your thinking a bit more. Thank you. I still think that this is not necessarily a great way to look at things. Even if most people do feel like you say they do, I think building relationships with people is best thought of as building relationships with individuals, and not see those people as a one instance of the majority opinion. Risk assessment is fine, but that isn't what this looks like to me. You are 'anticipating' obstacles that you then consider to be inevitable. And your foresight isn't really rooted in reality. "People have less time once they have kids." is a reasonable assumption. But "all my friends will inevitably get married then have no time for me, and women will only marry jealous assholes who will see me as a threat, and thus friendship is unlikely to work" is not a reasonable assumption. You are starting with some 'most people' and 'most likely' statements that are sourced from your own brain, and then extrapolating them to 'inevitable' later on in your logic-tree. That's not good foresight, that's catastrophising. 

And I am not necessarily saying that you need to immediately go out and befriend women, but I am saying that this way of looking at your fellow humans as a hivemind and a logic-puzzle is kind of unhealthy and I don't think it will serve you. 

(Also when talking about humans, 'women' is the noun and 'female' is the adjective. So "a female friend" is correct but it should be "most women". It bugs me when I see people refer to women as 'females'. It makes it sound like we're not people, but an interesting animal in a documentary.)

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Alright, I think you made some good points Jedi. 

10 hours ago, Jedi said:

You are starting with some 'most people' and 'most likely' statements that are sourced from your own brain, and then extrapolating them to 'inevitable' later on in your logic-tree. That's not good foresight, that's catastrophising. 

Doomer detected. Im more doomer than I realized. Lots of times fears cloud our judgements. I guess sometimes I make the mistake of fearing hope in positive changes. My fear tells me that hope can be a dangerous thing... If you have hope that something can work out, and be great, the exact opposite can happen. No one has any control over the outcomes of life. If you develop too much hope, then disappointment can hit you harder. Put if you prepare your mind for a negative outcome, then you aren’t to disappointed, since you didn’t have that much hope in the first place.

I am not saying this way of thinking is good, its just how I feel sometimes. 

What people should do is focus on the one thing you can control, yourself, not outcomes. But here is a better alternative for people like me. Having a little bit of hope isn’t always a bad thing. Fearing disappointment, which prevents you from trying new things (like having female friends) does not lead to growth. Growth comes with risk, and potentially pain, but at least you can say you’re living.  

10 hours ago, Jedi said:

 this way of looking at your fellow humans as a hivemind and a logic-puzzle is kind of unhealthy and I don't think it will serve you. 

Risk assessment and so on is healthy when your not letting fear influence to much of your decisions like I am apt to do.  

Also for the sake of clarity. I do not think all opposite sex friendships are generalized and bound to fail. Everyone is different, which means that outcomes can vary. When I said I was generalizing people, and would rephrase what I said, I was not defending generalizing people. I should have added that I think generalizing is a mistake, and unhelpful. Instead, people are unique, and no one can shove an entire sex into one box and say All females want X. That is a mistake. 

Thanks for reading... And I think you are right about using the word females too much. I can see how saying the female usually wants romantic love is odd. Saying that instead of the woman makes the sentence weird. It is like a wildlife documentary, I will try to refrain from saying it like that in the future. 

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  • 1 month later...

YES! This anxiety is so intense. Especially because I am just an observant person. So I'll notice small things about people around me and pick up on their habits or preferences and I find that people think that I am paying attention to them because I have a crush on them when I'm not. I just think it is important to be kind and observant of the people in your life. Also, im just nosey and like people watching hahaha

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