Anybody else not interested to know what romance feel like or define what romance is?

[nonmerci]

Hi everyone.

So, I don't know if this something that crossed my mind because I spent some time in a place where definition is discussed a lot, but I just realized something : I don't care about how we define romantic attraction, or how it feels like. I don't need that to know what I am. Same for sexual attraction by the way.

I am not denying that definitions can be useful, in particular when you enter in the community and you are questioning. You can want a clear definition to know if you fit or not.

But the thing is : defining clearly the different type of attraction is impossible anyway. How can you describe a feeling with words, and most of all, describe it to people who never felt it? It's like trying to describe the color red to a blind person : you can't. Now, describing by the actions don't work neither, because a same actions can have different causes. It's like saying "sadness is wanting to cry", except you can also cry because you hurt your finger, or because you laugh too much (which is, the opposite of being sad).

 

And I just realize that I find all these attempts of definition pointless (at least for me). I just know I don't feel it, and that's enough. Same for sexual attraction. I don't have to know what it is, I just have to know I don't feel it.

[Nessa]

It is the same for me. I have no idea what it feels like and really don't care. I am not and never was interested in romance in my life and I am 39 yo. I don't see the point of explaining what it feels like because I can't understand something that I can't feel. Like you I know that I don't feel it and don't need more. I am tired of people wanting me to be in a relationship and telling me that romance is what make us happy because I don't feel it, don't need it and I am happy, I enjoy my life as it is, the freedom that being aromanticism give me and I wouldn't change it for a billion dollars...

[Just a Bear]

I've been obsessed with defining romance and romantic attraction for the past month lol. so not me. I need to figure out if I'm romantic or not, and at this point I feel like not, but I can't know until the next time I catch feelings. I think I'm alterous, but my memory of past relationships is weak, so I'm not entirely sure.

 

All this questioning and research, and still I'm not confident in defining romantic attraction. The problem is that romantic things could be platonic in different circumstances, involving different people. You like to cuddle? that could be romantic, or it could be platonic. You want a person to call yours? could be romo, could be not.

Edited September 4, 2021 by Ashe.

[Erederyn]

22 hours ago, Nessa said:

I have no idea what it feels like and really don't care. 

Yes, I feel the same way.

Also it can be so subjective. When I ask alloros to describe I'm often like, but that's friends??? Or not strictly romantic??? Or they can't give a concrete answer.

At the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that I'm aromantic. It's something that people feel that I dont and that's fine. 

[roboticanary]

When I first realised aromanticism fit me I was interested in trying to define romantic attraction. I was I guess nervous that my aromanticism wasn't acceptable unless I could satisfactorally explain what it was I lacked.

Took a while to get into my head that I wasn't going to be able to get a perfect explanation of an emotion I simply don't feel, so defining romance has became less important.

[nonmerci]

Thanks for the replies. 

On 9/4/2021 at 7:51 PM, Nessa said:

I am tired of people wanting me to be in a relationship and telling me that romance is what make us happy because I don't feel it, don't need it and I am happy, I enjoy my life as it is, the freedom that being aromanticism give me and I wouldn't change it for a billion dollars...

Same. I always say : What makes you happy us fulfulling your goals in life. Romance is not one of my goal so why would it make me sad to not have it?

 

On 9/4/2021 at 8:32 PM, Ashe. said:

need to figure out if I'm romantic or not, and at this point I feel like not, but I can't know until the next time I catch feelings.

I get it. I think a lot of people do that when they try to figure out their orientation. Though I always think that having no clue what romance is like is a big sign of being aro. I won't say it is for sure because you know, everybody is different, but still a sign.

 

23 hours ago, Erederyn said:

When I ask alloros to describe I'm often like, but that's friends???

Yes. Problems with romance is that a lot of actions you find in romantic relationships can be find in other relationships too.

 

23 hours ago, roboticanary said:

I was I guess nervous that my aromanticism wasn't acceptable unless I could satisfactorally explain what it was I lacked.

Yeah that's the problem. We are expecting to know what we lack of to describe ourselves, but how could we describe something we don't feel?

[ScarfOfSexualPreference]

I know you can’t define attraction, but I wish we could. I’m still shaky in my identity as soon as I think someone’s clothes are cool. I wish there was a dictionary definition, but life is messy.