what's something in a romantic relationship that you didn't like?

[Just a Bear]

what's something in a romantic relationship that you didn't like? Something that made you uncomfortable, or repulsed.

[Atlamillia Pixie]

Being alone with my now ex romantic partner. I was fine being in a couple in public or with friends, but when we were alone it was just so bloody awkward and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. You'd think I would have realized I was aromantic and romance repulsed/ adverse fairly early into the relationship, but no. I dated him for 13 months thinking it would magically click on day and not be weird... #%^$ me, was I wrong on that front. 20/21 year old me was stupid and naive. 

[Jedi]

This is so hard to explain, but I am going to try. The role of 'girlfriend' was part of it. It was like being a girlfriend was a concept that was superimposed on me, and suddenly I was expected to have certain opinions and behave in certain ways because of that 'girlfriend' status, even though I had never been a thing before. It was subtle enough that I can barely give any examples, but it was kind of always there. I had started questioning aromaticism before starting the relationship, I was honest about it, and I was willing to give it a try. I mean, we are people who like eachother, and we can acknowledge that we are important to one another. I thought we could continue as normal with a stronger bond, but no. It was kind of like, even friends I had known for years were like "this is now someones girlfriend, and this is how girlfriends work" as a thing entirely separate from my actual personality. It was weird.

Now, that sounds like it is all stuff outside of the relationship, which wouldn't be fair to judge a relationship on. But the same thing applied inside the relationship also, to an even greater extent. While I had tried to be honest about my aromantic uncertainty, this was a romantic relationship as far as my boyfriend (it feels so weird to call him that) was concerned. He was giddy-exited, and it was clear to me that the changes to our relationship was just what seemed natural to him, but to me it felt like I had been suddenly given a role in a play to act out, but I was just trying to live my life and not trying to act in a play at all?

There were other things to, but again, hard to put a finger on, because sometimes, I didn't even admit to myself that I was uncomfortable. I mean, not much had changed technically, he knew I was ace and was fine with it, no big expectations there. We still hung out and did the same things as we did before. It's fine. Right? But I looked back at some pictures I have of us hugging, and remembered how uncomfortable I was when they were taken. And like, if I felt like that why didn't I say anything? Well, because I hadn't admitted that there was a problem yet. But what was the source of the discomfort that I didn't admit that I felt? Hard to say. The above things about having a role that just didn't fit me is what I have the words to explain.

[Blake]

I didn't like holding hands. My hands are mine and constantly holding someones hand made them sweaty and then I had a sweaty hand and it was awkward to say to give me back my hand to wipe it up and try to hold hands again. Because now we are not holding hands and resuming the activity seems redundant since the same results will happen. But my ex-partner liked it and I did not wanted to smash their expectations. It was after breaking up and some months later than I realized I was aro, but at that moment I felt guilt for not comforming with what was expected of me in a relationship by society's standards.

[roboticanary]

how much of 'romantic' pretty much boils down to price. I used to joke that the most romantic part of a meal was the bill, which got a few grumpy looks.

Also from my failed attempt at a romantic relationship the demand for affection just seemed exhausting. Like even if I was good at showing affection to people romance just seems so over the top.

[Lovebird]

Probably the fact my ex was toxic ?

It turned me off romantic relationships for a while.

I'm with someone else now who makes me much happier. But sometimes I wondered what I did wrong previously.  

[Blake]

3 hours ago, Lovebird said:

Probably the fact my ex was toxic ?

It turned me off romantic relationships for a while.

I'm with someone else now who makes me much happier. But sometimes I wondered what I did wrong previously.  

Sorry to hear that. You did nothing wrong (if they where toxic, it was they who was wrong). Glad you are with someone that values you ^^. Don't let a bad apple sour your next experiences, enjoy your today and juice it all you can.

[hermi1e]

the pressure to be in contact all the time? i felt like I was supposed to want to talk to him all the time, so I would force conversations and find reasons to text him and it just felt so fake and awkward. but that's what you're supposed to want when you have a crush on someone right? (rhetorical question lol)

[MaikeruSapphire]

I was in a "romantic relationship" once. I put this in quotes because, in hindsight, it was really just a friendship, but we both called it a romantic relationship, so I guess that's what it was? This was before I figured out I was aro. Probably would have been a pretty good friendship too if I didn't misjudge a desire for friendship as romantic attraction. :P

I'm not a big fan of the awkwardness that comes with of being near that person, knowing that we used to be in what we both called a romantic relationship. Kinda brings back memories of times when I was much more naive. Not fond of that.

[aro_elise]

lots.  what stands out most is probably his displays of his romantic attraction to me.  like certain things he would say, like compliments--which generally of course would be a good thing but in a romantic context, the tone of voice or the way i felt obligated to respond...idk.  and sometimes he would just look at me a certain way, like we'd just be watching tv or whatever and i'd just be reminded it wasn't like hanging out with a friend.  also more obvious stuff like holding hands, cuddling, kissing goodbye, celebrating a semi-anniversary.  but it was more about the vibe than the actual stuff we did.

[alto]

Kissing.  Oh G-d, kissing.  The wettest, goopiest, most disgusting thing in the world.  

[Guest]

What i absolutely don’t like in romantic relationships is first of all the whole monogamy concept. Like why being with one person that you after some months or few days don’t feel any attraction, love or have any feelings for anymore? Secondly what i hate too is the kissing, cuddling, holding hands and eating valentines day chocolate together. I mean what’s the deal with being in a relationship/married? 

That’s why i don’t understand the whole valentines day concept.

[roboticanary]

As a more general thought. I think there are a lot of little niggling annoyances that alloromantic people also find annoying but are willing to put up with because of the romantic attraction. For example  I think a lot of couples find valentines day really tacky, but will be able to put up with it because of their desire for a romantic relationship. Same sort of thing with public displays of affection which a lot of people aren't entirely comfortable with but that love makes them bearable.

Without that attraction all those little gripes and annoyances become something I really can't be arsed dealing with.

[Aimee03]

On 9/27/2021 at 11:59 PM, alto said:

Kissing.  Oh G-d, kissing.  The wettest, goopiest, most disgusting thing in the world.  

Agreed! Can't stand it. Does nothing for me.

I generally didn't enjoy any aspects of trying to be in a romantic relationship though.

[LifezVictory]

On 9/27/2021 at 9:46 PM, MaikeruSapphire said:

I was in a "romantic relationship" once. I put this in quotes because, in hindsight, it was really just a friendship, but we both called it a romantic relationship, so I guess that's what it was? This was before I figured out I was aro. Probably would have been a pretty good friendship too if I didn't misjudge a desire for friendship as romantic attraction. :P

I'm not a big fan of the awkwardness that comes with of being near that person, knowing that we used to be in what we both called a romantic relationship. Kinda brings ba

Isn’t that what a romantic relationship is, though? When people decide to call it that and do the things associated? That’s my understanding of it, anyway.

37 minutes ago, Aimee03 said:

Agreed! Can't stand it. Does nothing for me.

I generally didn't enjoy any aspects of trying to be in a romantic relationship though.

 

 

[MaikeruSapphire]

On 10/1/2021 at 7:29 PM, LifezVictory said:

Isn’t that what a romantic relationship is, though? When people decide to call it that and do the things associated? That’s my understanding of it, anyway.

We called it a romantic relationship, but it really wasn't that. We didn't do any of the things associated with a romantic relationship.

[Just a Bear]

18 hours ago, MaikeruSapphire said:

We called it a romantic relationship, but it really wasn't that. We didn't do any of the things associated with a romantic relationship.

I totally relate

[metaphoriclee]

On 9/4/2021 at 12:22 AM, Jedi said:

This is so hard to explain, but I am going to try. The role of 'girlfriend' was part of it. It was like being a girlfriend was a concept that was superimposed on me, and suddenly I was expected to have certain opinions and behave in certain ways because of that 'girlfriend' status, even though I had never been a thing before. It was subtle enough that I can barely give any examples, but it was kind of always there. I had started questioning aromaticism before starting the relationship, I was honest about it, and I was willing to give it a try. I mean, we are people who like eachother, and we can acknowledge that we are important to one another. I thought we could continue as normal with a stronger bond, but no. It was kind of like, even friends I had known for years were like "this is now someones girlfriend, and this is how girlfriends work" as a thing entirely separate from my actual personality. It was weird.

Now, that sounds like it is all stuff outside of the relationship, which wouldn't be fair to judge a relationship on. But the same thing applied inside the relationship also, to an even greater extent. While I had tried to be honest about my aromantic uncertainty, this was a romantic relationship as far as my boyfriend (it feels so weird to call him that) was concerned. He was giddy-exited, and it was clear to me that the changes to our relationship was just what seemed natural to him, but to me it felt like I had been suddenly given a role in a play to act out, but I was just trying to live my life and not trying to act in a play at all?

There were other things to, but again, hard to put a finger on, because sometimes, I didn't even admit to myself that I was uncomfortable. I mean, not much had changed technically, he knew I was ace and was fine with it, no big expectations there. We still hung out and did the same things as we did before. It's fine. Right? But I looked back at some pictures I have of us hugging, and remembered how uncomfortable I was when they were taken. And like, if I felt like that why didn't I say anything? Well, because I hadn't admitted that there was a problem yet. But what was the source of the discomfort that I didn't admit that I felt? Hard to say. The above things about having a role that just didn't fit me is what I have the words to explain.

I think I felt something similar to this! (though I’m still trying to figure out where I fall on the aro spectrum). For me it felt like the pressure of heteronormativity just went full blast for the 3 months I was in the relationship. I had short, dyed hair that I loved, but felt like I needed to grow it out and have long hair. I liked presenting masculine, but felt like I had to give the more feminine version of myself. Or sometimes he would say something romantic and I would just feel no particular way about it. I felt almost suffocated in a way? But it had nothing to do with him.

It’s not until I’m reflecting on all of this after 2.5 years of not wanting a romantic relationship, realizing how I see romantic relationships as very “optional” for the lack of a better word, and picturing a future with maybe a QPR… but not really a romantic one, am I realizing maybe I could be on the aro spectrum.

[th-emptyhearse]

On 9/28/2021 at 11:39 PM, Cocothecoconut said:

What i absolutely don’t like in romantic relationships is first of all the whole monogamy concept.

Agreed! I am honestly not a fan of monogamy. The whole 'your one person' thing is a no for me. And the idea that you have to reserve your affections just for your romantic partner and not people like friends. I like to be affectionate with my friends, so that is a no for me. I am happy now that I am in a place where I can be that, and have learnt that I am aro and don't desire a monogamous romantic relationship. 

I also didn't really like the idea that much of being their 'one person' either on the other side of that. It is quite a lot to be the one person that they go to for a myriad of things, and that they stake their future happiness on. Eek. I much prefer having a few good friends.