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want relationship, desire it but uncomfy or....? what am i?


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hi! i did not know where to talk about it soo.... i think i gonna ask it here srry if this made anyone sad, etc, i deeply apologize, so here we go:..

i noticed i develop crush/ but when i see my friends have crush they are TOOOO jealous or get TOOO heart broken or etc, compare to them mine are, crush but lol okay i dont get really heart broken even if i gte jealous its mild. beside i noticed usually most of my crush online are who they confessed me first and i beside that desire relationship but when i try to enter it even with my crush its get mild, i feel neutral, or some times rarely disgusted, or into stress feel like someone chasing me and the maximum girl/boy i had { im bi and i usually choose girls } it stand for maximum half of day cause i felt kinda uncomfy or idk, never really ebtered relationship beside i really really enjoy people crushing on me i may get crush on them too but relationship { romantic one } not really really my thing i guess but after we stay friend i get again mild crush but sometimes idk if its crush or no cause i have OCD beside that, i can have romantic fantasies about anyone and everyone and my fictional crush are more strong, i like fantasies but when it comes to real, sometimes it is just, um okay aha like this , so the other thing i really okay and love queer platonic idea, and Bff and squish but the things i really blush omg even rn im blushing im blush person indeed and ehem, i like do romantic stuff with anyone i like kissing holding hand etc but mostly as friend etc not really as romantic pratner, and ik this gonna sound horrible and creepy about me but i can fantasies about old women and kissing them and enjoy it { i prefer dont go to more than kiss lol } also i may even feel like i like touch someone leap even if i hate that person, i dont really feel like i need romantic partner but i can enjoy romantic norms with my squish and yes i easily get obsessive over anything so im just... confused just other thing i have been aromantic asexual till last year i was 16.5 now im 17.. and idk if im fully what but ik im not asexual more but about my romantic orientation, i just.... i need really help cause everyday im crying and struggling and suffer ;-; anyway srry for bothering u ;>😭😭😭😭

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On the first point that may just be how your friends are (age, media influence, personality). Most of the romantic people I know now don't get jealous of former lovers or people they are  attracted to. Again with heartbreak. It happens to them but there is certainly a wide variety in reaction with the people I know. Some get distraught for a while, some have a very different attitude and get on with life quite quickly.

One thought that might be useful though is looking through some subsets of aromanticism that might fit because there are plenty of ideas within aromanticism  which relate to wanting romance in abstract, but then having no desire when that romance is made reality. If I understand you right you feel romance, develop crushes that sort of thing but that doesn't really stick around once the relationship becomes a reality.

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ye exactly TnT when it becomes reality i just get , feel really like no not my thing or idk replused , anyway thx for help = > i just dont know , im searching for my labels

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