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The Aro <-> Romantic Q&A Thread


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4 hours ago, Naegleria fowleri said:

Alloromantics: Do you feel there is an age at which someone is "too young" to have a crush? I've heard people talk about having their first crush at age 10 or so, or realizing their sexuality before hitting high school (age 13), and my instinct was always, "What? You're too young!" However, I've also heard the term "kid crush" used when referring to the crush-like behaviours of younger children. Do you consider kid crushes to be legitimate crushes, or do they sort of "not count" because the child is too young to really know what they're feeling?

This kind of conflates romantic and sexual attraction.
In many societies there is no notion of "too young" when it comes to romantic attraction, whereas there is when it comes to sexual. If anything romantic behaviour can be encouraged amongst children.
I suspect that many people do have some understanding of their romantic and sexual orientations before they are 10. Though may lack the vocabulary to express it.

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can i just say, i took that quiz, tried to be generous, and got 12--some were about my feelings for my best friend and some were about my past experiences with my ex (like trying to make myself love him), but i was very disturbed by the questions and the notion that many people would answer 'yes' to many of them.  i've always been bothered by how jealous, possessive, and irrational allos seem to be, but it just continues to shock me.  sorry if this sounds offensive, if anyone disagrees with my perception, feel free to tell me why.

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Another question for the romantic people: What does it feel like when someone is interested in you, but you aren't interested back? I've wondered if the feeling is similar to what aros experience in these situations (keeping in mind that there is wide variety among aros alone). However from what I've observed, it seems like the uninterested party can go along for the ride, just to see if anything is there (ex. They can kiss the person to see if sparks will fly). Is this a difficult thing to do? How big of a barrier is the absence of attraction at the first point of contact?

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Okay so I haven't read all the answer to this thread at all because I'm lazy I guess but I just want to step in to actually defend that test. Because if you read the test in absolutely no way they say having a high score is a good thing because you have access to romantic love. They actually denunciate this. Don't get offended it's clearly good to have a lesser score. I think the results should have been worded differently. Because it associate codependency to the feeling of romantic love but it does it in a bad way tho. I mean maybe it's my aro mind speaking but to me it clearly seems like having a higher result is really bad from the POV of the person doing this test.

I mean: 

 

AUTHOR

    James Park is an existential philosopher and author of 
New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships, 
the first chapter of which is called 
"Romantic Love is a Hoax! Emotional Programming to 'Fall in Love' "

__________________________

It's pretty obvious. The test is supposed to be really hard and the question are supposed to be hardcore because the good result (in the mind of the author) is to have the less yes possible. Don't do this test it's clearly not neutral at all. I'm sure there's some better out there that doesn't associate experiencing romantic attraction to automatically being codependent and irrational. 


@aro_elise Well yeah, allos can be a bit irrational sometimes but I really think that test don't put them in a good light at all. It's clearly from the point of view of someone that is against romantic relationship and think in the extreme situations. It's making allos seems crazy. It's like if we were to took a test made by really romantic centrist allos that are completely obssessive and dependent and romance we would seem like cold, depressed, sociopath. We're clearly not. But it's easy to make people seem crazy depending on your point of view. This test is really unreliable and I really don't think it should be used as reference for aros to understand allos. 

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  • 1 year later...

I've seen many alloromantics get jealous when they find out that their crush is with someone else, are there people who don't get bothered about it as much and just get over it, like I do? How about a breakup? Are all allos just really, really sad and stuff when they breakup with someone and find it hard to get over someone?

 

When I am interested in someone for companionship or find her sexually attractive, I may get a bit bummed out if she is with someone, but I get over people really quickly, almost unnaturally so. I remember how I got over a woman I had alterous feelings too pretty quick, and people at school were quite shocked, as if they expected that I romantically loved her a lot and could never let her go, but I just was like, eh. I still missed her, but I don't think I cried or got sad that much when she left. I did a little bit beforehand, though.

 

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  • 5 months later...

hi! i’m allo-allo and have a specific situation that i would really like some aro advice on. So, i’ve had a crush on this guy for 3 years and i finally feel ready to ask him on a date. However, a mutual friend who knows i like him told me that he is aro. I don’t know what to do know. I’m not really sure what kind of aromantic he identifies as so would it be rude to ask? Would it be weird to not tell him i have romantic feelings for him? If he’s grey-aro can he date people? Of course if he doesn’t feel romantic attraction at all hopefully we can still be friends! Thank you in advance for helping my clueless ass out :) 

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1 hour ago, leaflvr said:

hi! i’m allo-allo and have a specific situation that i would really like some aro advice on. So, i’ve had a crush on this guy for 3 years and i finally feel ready to ask him on a date. However, a mutual friend who knows i like him told me that he is aro. I don’t know what to do know. I’m not really sure what kind of aromantic he identifies as so would it be rude to ask? Would it be weird to not tell him i have romantic feelings for him? If he’s grey-aro can he date people? Of course if he doesn’t feel romantic attraction at all hopefully we can still be friends! Thank you in advance for helping my clueless ass out :) 

Hello, @leaflvr!

 

Here are some options:

1. You could rationalize not asking him out, and forever be left wondering "what if..."

2. You could be brave and go for it, and if he says yes, great. If he says no, at least you went for it. If he says no and comes out as aro in any way, shape, or form, the info from your friend is confirmed. If he says no and he's rude about it, he isn't worth your time, anyway.

 

I know, I know, accepting rejection may be a lot easier said than done. I can imagine that receiving a "no" from the person you like might feel like a big stab in the heart. However, try to take what that feeling may want to teach you, which will probably involve looking inward and asking "What did I like in this person that can be found within myself?" As I have learnt from experience, when you see a quality you admire in someone, you admire it because you, too, possess that quality. That quality is in harmony with your deepest, truest being. Your admiration of this quality is the desire of your truest being to be expressed in your everyday life.

 

Finally, when you're ready, continue to venture out and meet new people who are potentially date-worthy.

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2 hours ago, leaflvr said:

hi! i’m allo-allo and have a specific situation that i would really like some aro advice on. So, i’ve had a crush on this guy for 3 years and i finally feel ready to ask him on a date. However, a mutual friend who knows i like him told me that he is aro. I don’t know what to do know. I’m not really sure what kind of aromantic he identifies as so would it be rude to ask? Would it be weird to not tell him i have romantic feelings for him? If he’s grey-aro can he date people? Of course if he doesn’t feel romantic attraction at all hopefully we can still be friends! Thank you in advance for helping my clueless ass out :) 

 

Whether or not you tell him is up to you. You know him well by now, I'm sure- How do you think he would respond? Do what you think is best.

I think if you do decide to tell him, it might be a good idea to be careful to assure him that it's ok if he doesn't want to date you, and that this will not change your relationship. And if he feels awkward or uncomfortable around you after that, give him a little space if you can; I don't know how romance repulsed he is (if at all, I hope for both of your sakes he isn't), but for some aros it can be very, very uncomfortable and even scary to find out that someone you think of as a friend has a crush on you. Ideally it won't be an issue, but if he seems uncomfortable, I think the best thing to do would be to not pressure him, continue to demonstrate that you're not going to treat him any differently, and let him back away if he needs to. If you're good friends, he'll probably come around eventually.

Of course, if he is nasty to you about it, then yeah he's probably not worth your time.

 

One last thing, though- Uh, is he open about his aromanticism? Did your mutual friend out him without his permission? If so, that's not cool. I would probably double check that if I were you, and if it turns out your friend did indeed pull a dick move and out someone without their consent, either a. try not to let on that you know he identifies as aro or b. tell him that your friend told you. It sounds like they probably meant well, but he does have a right to be upset if he was outed without permission.

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  • 7 months later...

For alloromantics:

Online there's a bunch of signs that you have a crush/are in love, but the way I imagine them playing out is very similar to how I do react when thinking about things and people I love platonically. For example, I can get super into a book to the point that I am constantly reminded of it by random things and I always want to be reading it, but I don't want to date the book(not that I'm entirerly opposed to it).

So besides the whole people vs inanimate objects thing, how do you know it's romantic attraction and not something else? Is it just instinctual for most people?

(Sorry if it's already been asked, I didn't see it with a brief skimming)

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On 6/16/2016 at 3:56 PM, paporomantic said:

In this thread, romantics are encouraged to answer aros' questions about romance and, conversely, aros to answer romantics' questions about aromanticism, so that we learn to understand each other better :strawberry: (This is an analogue of AVEN's 'Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread'.)

_____________________________________

 

Let me start with a question to romantics (incl. @Nai @HappyBunny @Punable😞

 

In the romantic love quiz that is currently in use on Arocalypse as an (inaccurate) kind of a 'litmus test', which of the statements give an incorrect impression about the nature of romantic attraction, and which grasp its nature correctly?

 

 

On 9/26/2016 at 3:56 AM, Philbo Wiseroot said:

Agreed. I took this a number of weeks ago (so forgive my memory). I got through exactly 8 questions before thinking "aro is not useless human, why does it think that?" A lot of the options I'd choose were "I don't trust people" and the like. The test seems to smush a lot of the trust and support aspects of a friendship into romance exclusively, and I don't like that. 

So, the link to this test isn’t working for me, likely because whoever made it must’ve realized their mistake in including so much amatonormativity (did I spell that right?) in a test about the romantic spectrum, so does anyone here know if they made a new test, or are in the process of making one? Just curious, I guess

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query, what the heck do sites mean when they say "constantly thinking about your crush." like, how often are we talking about? because one of the biggest things that have gotta been a huge red flashing sign in my face is that whenever i thought i actually had a crush on someone, that niggling doubt of "but you don't actually really think a lot about this person" is something i just dismissed as, "oh well you know um... i think about this person... sometimes... kinda? idk its fine just go along w the narrative." and i... still don't know if this is normal for people where they don't think about their crush too frequently just sometimes or this is actually a flashing sign of "yeah hi hello thats not a crush, thats a you're-so-desperate-for-human-connection-that-you'll-pretend-to-be-in-love-with-just-about-anyone-friendly."

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  • 1 month later...

The question I have is once again out of pure curiosity. Why are romantic attraction and the desire to have children connected? More specifically, I am talking about the following scenario: Person X is alloromantic and also dreams of becoming a parent. They find someone with whom they fall in love, they get married and have one or more children together. At some point, their marriage goes downhill and they get divorced. A while after, X finds a new love and remarries. If X's desire to be a parent has already been fulfilled, (and provided their new spouse also has children of their own), why is there this strong desire for them to have children with the new spouse, too, and why do they grow to prefer the new children over the ones they have with their ex? 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/1/2021 at 1:15 PM, Queen of Spades said:

The question I have is once again out of pure curiosity. Why are romantic attraction and the desire to have children connected? More specifically, I am talking about the following scenario: Person X is alloromantic and also dreams of becoming a parent. They find someone with whom they fall in love, they get married and have one or more children together. At some point, their marriage goes downhill and they get divorced. A while after, X finds a new love and remarries. If X's desire to be a parent has already been fulfilled, (and provided their new spouse also has children of their own), why is there this strong desire for them to have children with the new spouse, too, and why do they grow to prefer the new children over the ones they have with their ex? 

I'm not allo, but in my opinion, it's because I think evolutionary, romantic love was designed to force two persons to not get on each others nerves too much long enough to get a child into an age where it is at least somewhat capable of not having to be closely monitored all the time. So if you are in a new romantic relationship and don't have a child with the other person, your brain is nagging you that something's missing. But I don't have any data to back that up.

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On 1/1/2021 at 1:15 PM, Queen of Spades said:

The question I have is once again out of pure curiosity. Why are romantic attraction and the desire to have children connected? More specifically, I am talking about the following scenario: Person X is alloromantic and also dreams of becoming a parent. They find someone with whom they fall in love, they get married and have one or more children together. At some point, their marriage goes downhill and they get divorced. A while after, X finds a new love and remarries. If X's desire to be a parent has already been fulfilled, (and provided their new spouse also has children of their own), why is there this strong desire for them to have children with the new spouse, too, and why do they grow to prefer the new children over the ones they have with their ex? 

Not allo neither. I don't think this is true that the parents necessarily prefer the new children, though the old children can feel that way and that they have been replaced (in particularly if they change home from their dad to their mom and so have less time with them than the new children). But when this happen, I suppose it would be because the old children can remind them of their exs, or that they want to focus on their new family.

 

About the desire of having children connected to romantic attraction, I think there is different reasons :

-they may think only a nuclear family is healthy. A few months/years ago in my country there were debates about medically-assisted procreation for lesbian couples and single women, and one of the arguments people give about that was "how would you dare creating children without father, think about how miserable they will be, they can't grow like that". Same when in 2012 people manifested against same sex marriage with shirts that said "a dad and a mum". Conservative just think there is only one type of family that is right, a straight couple with children.

-Allos tend to live with their romantic love, so they will raise the children together. And so, they'll see their romantic love as a future parent too.

-they may want that the father/mother of their child is someone special, someone they connect with. And for allos, the strongest connection they can get is romantic love.

-for biological children, they like the idea that there is a bit of their romantic partner in them, or a little bit of both of them.

-children are seen as the proof of their love. Maybe a proof of engagement as well. The couple is solid enough to have a child.

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  • 1 month later...
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On 2/23/2021 at 2:42 AM, A User said:

Allos (romantics): What do you consider romantic attraction?
Any telltale signs??

Yeah I just wanted to ask the allos: how do you KNOW you fell in love, how do you realise it?
i think that’s kind of the same question

Edited by Acecream
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  • 1 month later...

I wonder why so many alloromantic people (at least the ones I know) stop meeting people they like after they realize that their will be no romantic relationships with them.

like, a lot of my friends start dating and then, after a few dates, they tell me that they really like the other person (and the other person likes them back), but not in THAT way. So they stop meeting each other.

why can’t they just continue meeting as friends? I mean, they like each other? Why doesn’t this count when there is no romantic potential?

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How do allos manage?

How come you can't just not-be-in-love with someone that doesn't like you back? 

Is kissing someone you're romantically attracted to different than someone you aren't?

How can you know that someone is The One?

 

While I'm constantly frustrated by the lack of aro representation, I count myself lucky, because being allo must SUCK

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 5/10/2021 at 5:51 AM, ScarfOfSexualPreference said:

How do allos manage?

How come you can't just not-be-in-love with someone that doesn't like you back? 

Is kissing someone you're romantically attracted to different than someone you aren't?

How can you know that someone is The One?

 

While I'm constantly frustrated by the lack of aro representation, I count myself lucky, because being allo must SUCK

Alloromantic graysexual here.

I don't know how to answer the "how do allos manage" question. I guess it's because I'm alloromantic myself, but experiencing romantic attraction doesn't sound that harsh to me lol not more than feeling alterous or platonic attraction!

"How come you can't just not-be-in-love with someone that doesn't like you back?"
Ohh this is a good question. I actually think you can, most of the times, but maybe not straight away. I think what you want plays a role, but it can also be very random. And very hard. When you feel a certain type of attraction for someone, it means something in them makes you feel it. That something may be there even if they don't like you back, so most of the times you can't simply say "okay I'm not going to be romantically attracted to you from now on". Sometimes attractions and feelings change over time and you can move on - let me add: if you want. I personally don't think it's always "needed" to move on, contrary to what we are constantly told, namely that if we can't have a romantic relationship, then we have to forget our feelings or we will suffer o_o Personally, I think I felt romantic attraction for some friends of mine and I was completely ok with the friendship we had O_O
Back to your question, let me make two examples.
Can people always just consciously stop being sexually attracted to people? I don't think so. Some allosexual friends I have even felt sexual attraction to people they found unpleasant, sometimes. And sometimes they couldn't just say "yeah ok from now on I'm not going to be sexually attracted to you".
I don't know if you personally feel alterous or platonic attraction, but... Can you always stop feeling that on command? Of course when people hurt us sometimes our platonic or alterous feelings tend to fade. But I think it's not always the case.
In the past I was reaaaally hurt by people I had strong platonic/alterous feelings for. 0% romantic feelings. But at a point, they got fed up with me and didn't want to be friends anymore. It hurt because I couldn't stop platonically loving them right away. I still loved them, and it took time.
I never experienced anything like that with romantic attraction, personally, but I guess it can be similar :) Although I personally (personal experience here! I know many, if not most, alloromantics are not like this) find it much easier to "move on" from romanic attraction than platonic or alterous one.

"Is kissing someone you're romantically attracted to different than someone you aren't?"
... I was never able to kiss someone I'm not romantically attracted to, due to some circumstances, so I can't answer, sorry!

"How can you know that someone is The One?"
I think "The One" rhetoric is simply toxic amatonormativity. There's no such thing. Some people believe it and I respect that, but I guess what they feel is not that much different than what I feel: normally I simply feel the person I have a relationship with is a person I like being with, I love them and we make eachother happier being in that relationship. That's it, I guess. I don't think they're the only person in the world I might love romantically or the only one I could like being with and who could make me happier in a romantic relationship. 

I'm not sure I answered decently, but well, I tried.
Feel free to ask anything else :)

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  • 2 months later...

Hi! i wanted do the quiz but it did not came upp eeekk QnQ btw i hope this wont bother anyone, so falling in love or crush in other hands unfortunately out of hands the main reason people get crush, etc googles explains

Bukky Kolawole told INSIDER. Crushes are rooted in fantasy and tend to happen when you don't know much about a person but idealize what they are like, Kolawole said. ... If you get closer to your crush and develop real-life experiences and a sense of reciprocity, the crush can develop into something more }

 in my opinion there are all faults of brain for example i have crush or im still not sure if its squish but i really hate when i get crush on someone its really annoy me and i get mad at person sometimes cause i hate myself having crush ;-; the fact thats i have anger issues and i have been aro ace spectrum till last year { im not aro spectrum anymore i can say this clearly, or idk probably  }

 albeit it has been were i was to obsessive with my crush like i could see her everywhere and thats kinda were scare me Q-Q

Edited by BloodyBlood
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