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The Aro <-> Romantic Q&A Thread

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4 hours ago, Naegleria fowleri said:

Alloromantics: Do you feel there is an age at which someone is "too young" to have a crush? I've heard people talk about having their first crush at age 10 or so, or realizing their sexuality before hitting high school (age 13), and my instinct was always, "What? You're too young!" However, I've also heard the term "kid crush" used when referring to the crush-like behaviours of younger children. Do you consider kid crushes to be legitimate crushes, or do they sort of "not count" because the child is too young to really know what they're feeling?

This kind of conflates romantic and sexual attraction.
In many societies there is no notion of "too young" when it comes to romantic attraction, whereas there is when it comes to sexual. If anything romantic behaviour can be encouraged amongst children.
I suspect that many people do have some understanding of their romantic and sexual orientations before they are 10. Though may lack the vocabulary to express it.

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can i just say, i took that quiz, tried to be generous, and got 12--some were about my feelings for my best friend and some were about my past experiences with my ex (like trying to make myself love him), but i was very disturbed by the questions and the notion that many people would answer 'yes' to many of them.  i've always been bothered by how jealous, possessive, and irrational allos seem to be, but it just continues to shock me.  sorry if this sounds offensive, if anyone disagrees with my perception, feel free to tell me why.

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Another question for the romantic people: What does it feel like when someone is interested in you, but you aren't interested back? I've wondered if the feeling is similar to what aros experience in these situations (keeping in mind that there is wide variety among aros alone). However from what I've observed, it seems like the uninterested party can go along for the ride, just to see if anything is there (ex. They can kiss the person to see if sparks will fly). Is this a difficult thing to do? How big of a barrier is the absence of attraction at the first point of contact?

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Okay so I haven't read all the answer to this thread at all because I'm lazy I guess but I just want to step in to actually defend that test. Because if you read the test in absolutely no way they say having a high score is a good thing because you have access to romantic love. They actually denunciate this. Don't get offended it's clearly good to have a lesser score. I think the results should have been worded differently. Because it associate codependency to the feeling of romantic love but it does it in a bad way tho. I mean maybe it's my aro mind speaking but to me it clearly seems like having a higher result is really bad from the POV of the person doing this test.

I mean: 

 

AUTHOR

    James Park is an existential philosopher and author of 
New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships, 
the first chapter of which is called 
"Romantic Love is a Hoax! Emotional Programming to 'Fall in Love' "

__________________________

It's pretty obvious. The test is supposed to be really hard and the question are supposed to be hardcore because the good result (in the mind of the author) is to have the less yes possible. Don't do this test it's clearly not neutral at all. I'm sure there's some better out there that doesn't associate experiencing romantic attraction to automatically being codependent and irrational. 


@aro_elise Well yeah, allos can be a bit irrational sometimes but I really think that test don't put them in a good light at all. It's clearly from the point of view of someone that is against romantic relationship and think in the extreme situations. It's making allos seems crazy. It's like if we were to took a test made by really romantic centrist allos that are completely obssessive and dependent and romance we would seem like cold, depressed, sociopath. We're clearly not. But it's easy to make people seem crazy depending on your point of view. This test is really unreliable and I really don't think it should be used as reference for aros to understand allos. 

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I've seen many alloromantics get jealous when they find out that their crush is with someone else, are there people who don't get bothered about it as much and just get over it, like I do? How about a breakup? Are all allos just really, really sad and stuff when they breakup with someone and find it hard to get over someone?

 

When I am interested in someone for companionship or find her sexually attractive, I may get a bit bummed out if she is with someone, but I get over people really quickly, almost unnaturally so. I remember how I got over a woman I had alterous feelings too pretty quick, and people at school were quite shocked, as if they expected that I romantically loved her a lot and could never let her go, but I just was like, eh. I still missed her, but I don't think I cried or got sad that much when she left. I did a little bit beforehand, though.

 

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hi! i’m allo-allo and have a specific situation that i would really like some aro advice on. So, i’ve had a crush on this guy for 3 years and i finally feel ready to ask him on a date. However, a mutual friend who knows i like him told me that he is aro. I don’t know what to do know. I’m not really sure what kind of aromantic he identifies as so would it be rude to ask? Would it be weird to not tell him i have romantic feelings for him? If he’s grey-aro can he date people? Of course if he doesn’t feel romantic attraction at all hopefully we can still be friends! Thank you in advance for helping my clueless ass out :) 

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1 hour ago, leaflvr said:

hi! i’m allo-allo and have a specific situation that i would really like some aro advice on. So, i’ve had a crush on this guy for 3 years and i finally feel ready to ask him on a date. However, a mutual friend who knows i like him told me that he is aro. I don’t know what to do know. I’m not really sure what kind of aromantic he identifies as so would it be rude to ask? Would it be weird to not tell him i have romantic feelings for him? If he’s grey-aro can he date people? Of course if he doesn’t feel romantic attraction at all hopefully we can still be friends! Thank you in advance for helping my clueless ass out :) 

Hello, @leaflvr!

 

Here are some options:

1. You could rationalize not asking him out, and forever be left wondering "what if..."

2. You could be brave and go for it, and if he says yes, great. If he says no, at least you went for it. If he says no and comes out as aro in any way, shape, or form, the info from your friend is confirmed. If he says no and he's rude about it, he isn't worth your time, anyway.

 

I know, I know, accepting rejection may be a lot easier said than done. I can imagine that receiving a "no" from the person you like might feel like a big stab in the heart. However, try to take what that feeling may want to teach you, which will probably involve looking inward and asking "What did I like in this person that can be found within myself?" As I have learnt from experience, when you see a quality you admire in someone, you admire it because you, too, possess that quality. That quality is in harmony with your deepest, truest being. Your admiration of this quality is the desire of your truest being to be expressed in your everyday life.

 

Finally, when you're ready, continue to venture out and meet new people who are potentially date-worthy.

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2 hours ago, leaflvr said:

hi! i’m allo-allo and have a specific situation that i would really like some aro advice on. So, i’ve had a crush on this guy for 3 years and i finally feel ready to ask him on a date. However, a mutual friend who knows i like him told me that he is aro. I don’t know what to do know. I’m not really sure what kind of aromantic he identifies as so would it be rude to ask? Would it be weird to not tell him i have romantic feelings for him? If he’s grey-aro can he date people? Of course if he doesn’t feel romantic attraction at all hopefully we can still be friends! Thank you in advance for helping my clueless ass out :) 

 

Whether or not you tell him is up to you. You know him well by now, I'm sure- How do you think he would respond? Do what you think is best.

I think if you do decide to tell him, it might be a good idea to be careful to assure him that it's ok if he doesn't want to date you, and that this will not change your relationship. And if he feels awkward or uncomfortable around you after that, give him a little space if you can; I don't know how romance repulsed he is (if at all, I hope for both of your sakes he isn't), but for some aros it can be very, very uncomfortable and even scary to find out that someone you think of as a friend has a crush on you. Ideally it won't be an issue, but if he seems uncomfortable, I think the best thing to do would be to not pressure him, continue to demonstrate that you're not going to treat him any differently, and let him back away if he needs to. If you're good friends, he'll probably come around eventually.

Of course, if he is nasty to you about it, then yeah he's probably not worth your time.

 

One last thing, though- Uh, is he open about his aromanticism? Did your mutual friend out him without his permission? If so, that's not cool. I would probably double check that if I were you, and if it turns out your friend did indeed pull a dick move and out someone without their consent, either a. try not to let on that you know he identifies as aro or b. tell him that your friend told you. It sounds like they probably meant well, but he does have a right to be upset if he was outed without permission.

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