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Internal conflict between aromantic feelings and very high sexual desire?


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I'm interested in seeing if there are others here who feel a similar way I do, or just to hear people's thoughts in general about my situation. 

Like the title says, I'm a heterosexual who feels a very high level of sexual desire.  Honestly I even get the sense that my sexual feelings are on the very upper end of what most allosexuals feel.  As in, I feel sexual attraction very easily and often, my libido is extremely high, I feel essentially insatiable (only real limit on sexual activity is the time it takes up), and there's sometimes days where I just feel mentally aroused most of the time.  I'm tempted to say I'm on the edge of hypersexuality, although I'll use that word carefully because there's still ongoing academic debate about how to define "hypersexual" and how it relates to various other conditions.

On the other hand, I feel a very low motivation to actually pursue intimate relationships (either romantic or sexual) with other people. I honestly do not feel much if any interest in most romantic activities, and it's hard to envision myself feeling the same sense of attachment/"romantic love" that it seems like most romantic couples feel. Although for now I'm leaning more towards the greyromantic label than entirely aromantic. Also, so far I haven't felt any interest in pursuing sex outside of an emotional relationship, which also means that so far I've always been entirely single and have never actually had sex.

There's times where I feel kinda torn between simultaneously feeling "interested" and "uninterested" in intimate relationships.  It's been hard for me to figure out my priorities and decide what I want from life.... should I be more active in seeking out relationships in the hope that something "clicks"? Would I be happier being single my whole life? How much do I actually care about pursuing sex?  Those are rhetorical questions of course. My thoughts tend to sway back and forth.

Does anyone know if this is a common experience to have?  I'd definitely be interested in hearing similar stories, or links if this has been discussed somewhere else.

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Who is to say you can't have an intimate sexual relationship without romance? Sure, they're harder to find, but it's not like it's illegal to bang a homie, ya know?

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If you feel sexual attraction on a high level and romantic attraction on a low level then you may follow SAM model (here if you want to learn more about what is SAM model). It is completely fine to only want sex and not romance.

On 4/8/2021 at 2:43 PM, I.B. said:

It's been hard for me to figure out my priorities and decide what I want from life.... should I be more active in seeking out relationships in the hope that something "clicks"? Would I be happier being single my whole life? How much do I actually care about pursuing sex?  Those are rhetorical questions of course. My thoughts tend to sway back and forth.

Does anyone know if this is a common experience to have?  I'd definitely be interested in hearing similar stories, or links if this has been discussed somewhere else.

^ those are life questions ^^ and yes some you may never know in your life, but it is valid to ask them. But I do have some suggestions, first: yes if you want sex and you feel safe doing it, search it and try it. But be upfront, tell that only the act and not the romance. If you experimented and did not like it then now you know. Now, only seek out relationships for you, and you alone, to satisfy your curiosity, not for anyone else. Not for society, not for pressure, just you. 

For me, I like to stay single because when I was in a relationship I felt suffocated. It was because of the expectations of that relationship and how society wanted me to act. This is interconnected with amatonormativity and heteronormativity. And finally, you may care for sex but not want romance, be truthful when searching if you want to search and you will find someone who wants just that. It may take more time, but having sex on your terms and knowing what to expect (no romance) may lessen the load of seeking and mantaining that relationship.

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there are plenty of us allo aros, and all of our preferences vary--our levels of interest/comfort with friendship, sex, and romance, and in what combinations.  like personally, i'm very favourable toward the former two (could be one, the other, or both with a given person, depending how i feel about them), and completely uninterested in and uncomfortable with romance--i avoid any type of relationship with someone i know or feel is romantically attracted to me.  i absolutely want to be single my whole life, and to have a lifelong best friend (i do, she's my true love).  and i hope it's encouraging to know that it is possible, as an arospec person, to have a mutually satisfactory sexual and emotional relationship (i do, he's great).  i'm not sure if by 'conflict' you mean with embracing your identity or just with navigating the life that comes with it--i certainly understand both--but i'm also certain both will get easier, probably sooner and more continually than you think. 

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On 4/9/2021 at 4:43 AM, I.B. said:

Does anyone know if this is a common experience to have?  I'd definitely be interested in hearing similar stories, or links if this has been discussed somewhere else.

Speaking personally, I also have a very high libido and experience sexual attraction very frequently, but am entirely uninterested in any kind of romantic behaviour or relationship. So yeah, people like us definitely exist! 

I've had my fair share of sexual partners, both by hooking up with strangers and through casual sex with friends. It's not always the easiest thing to navigate, and sometimes people get more attached to me than I'm comfortable with. But as long as you communicate clearly (and avoid people who don't), it's definitely possible to pursue relationships that are sexual but not romantic, with varying levels of emotional intimacy. 

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