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I've never been in a relationship, want to be but can't?


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Hello, 

 

So... I am new to the Aromantic Spec, because... It sounds so negativ but I've always hoped that I am not Aro. I always loved (still do) the idea od dating, couples etc. I read cute fabfictions since I am 12 and always thought 'love will find me one day'.  At some point I started dating, but never felt something but unease. The Idea of kissing is so sweet but doing it... My first kiss was SO disgusting, I wanted to puke (I felt indifferend to any kiss after that first one). 

Back then I thought 'You feel that way because its not the right one.. Yet.' 

Then I came to the conclusion that I am Demiromantic, cause my friends are the only ones I feel really close with. Sometimes I get this 'I would be ok with dating you but not dating you is okay as hell as well.' 

But after 22 years of being single and never having a crush on a real person I started to rethink.  I always feel unconfirtable when it comes to romantic expectations of others. I an Ace for a while now, and at the beginning I thought it was the sexual pressure that pulled me away... But no...

 

I am so confused because. The idea of a QPR seems so perfect to me. At the same time I am always nervous around people I get to close to. I am stiff and overthink and... 

 

I don't even kbow what I am trying to get at here. Maybe just some support or your experieces on finding out what you want. 

 

I just don't want to be alone. I want to have a person for me... And at the same time I just want to be alone. 

 

Please have a beautiful day! 

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Are you familiar with the concept of amatonormativity? It might be worth examining how that plays into your life. Though it is true that there are aros who have romantic relationships, it sounds like that’s not really what you want. The concept of romance as a “need” is something that’s so strongly pushed on us from such an early age that it’s not uncommon for aros to grow up really invested in it, only to do a complete 180 when they realize they don’t have to be. You might be going through that. 

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Yes, thanks! 

I have heard of it and I thought that may be the reason ehy it hurtsbso much to distant myself from all of that. I need to dive more into that topic. 

I... might want to be alone... But recently I also don't want to. Back then, when I had school I never felt lonely, yes the oblivious young me dreamed about tacky cute realtionships but was alrigut without it... but now that I can't see my friends everyday for a couple of houres I feel frequently like I need a companion. The enotional bonds become less and less... 

I just don't know how to deal with that aching lonely feeling. 

I am sorry for being such a crybaby. 

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I second what @Jot-Aro Kujo said, and also want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really tough figuring out preferences when society tells us we must like certain things. 

I went through similar confusion when I first figured out I was aro, and threw myself into a qpr in an attempt to have some kind of relationship. That was ultimately not good for me. So I think it's really good that you're thinking about this stuff. My suggestion would be that rather than 'do I want a relationship', you should ask yourself how you feel about more specific things. What affection do you like, would you want to live with a friend/partner, how would you feel most supported and cared for by people in your life? Then you can seek those things out (or not), rather than worrying about labels.

I think hopefully now that you are in aro spaces it might get easier for you to imagine a life where you don't have a partner. Many aros have wonderful fulfilling lives in different ways. We're also able to be there for each other when we're feeling lonely, which is something a lot of us relate to.

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I'm in an odd place, but I feel like I can add something here, based on what @Jot-Aro Kujo and @arokaladin said. 

I'm coming from having several relationships and two marriages. All failed partly because, in hindsight, I'm arospec and was really not meant for such relationships. I can't have or maintain romantic feelings for someone. However, I do enjoy companionship and affection, but only as far as being super close friends. I like to cuddle and things like that, but only platonically. 

I think amatonormativity has gotten into our heads as we grew up such that we felt like that's how life had to be. I wish I had known more about myself way back, but it is what it is. I don't regret having my relationships, but I do regret hurting those I was with because I ultimately didn't share the same feelings.

On 3/19/2021 at 3:58 PM, arokaladin said:

So I think it's really good that you're thinking about this stuff. My suggestion would be that rather than 'do I want a relationship', you should ask yourself how you feel about more specific things. What affection do you like, would you want to live with a friend/partner, how would you feel most supported and cared for by people in your life? Then you can seek those things out (or not), rather than worrying about labels.

After my recent separation from my wife, I'm realizing just what kind of person I am, and what kind of relationship/companionship I want. I'm just bummed that it took me to this point in my life to figure it out. It's important to figure yourself out, and not overcompromise. 

On 3/19/2021 at 1:55 PM, Aversa said:

I... might want to be alone... But recently I also don't want to. Back then, when I had school I never felt lonely, yes the oblivious young me dreamed about tacky cute realtionships but was alrigut without it... but now that I can't see my friends everyday for a couple of houres I feel frequently like I need a companion. The enotional bonds become less and less... 

I just don't know how to deal with that aching lonely feeling.

I totally feel that. Granted, I was never very social, and kept very few friends. And as I got older I saw them even less, but I had a family. Now my kids are teens and they kinda became my companions in a sense, when my wife and I began to drift. Now that I'm not living with them, I miss them so much. I enjoy my alone time, for sure, since I never had any previously, and I'm quite an introvert. But I always welcomed the hugs and random cuddles on the couch to watch a movie. Like, could I just have a friend (or friends) to do that sort of stuff with, without it going towards romance eventually? Can people just be like that without making it weird?? But I digress. My point is you're not alone in feeling The Lonely.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Can relate.

In reality I dont actually want to be in a romantic relationship, but its the normative way to get commitment from a partner.

What I actually want is a friend with some level of commitment so I dont need to be worried about being abandoned and left alone for the next best person

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 3/19/2021 at 6:20 AM, Aversa said:

Hello, 

 

So... I am new to the Aromantic Spec, because... It sounds so negativ but I've always hoped that I am not Aro. I always loved (still do) the idea od dating, couples etc. I read cute fabfictions since I am 12 and always thought 'love will find me one day'.  At some point I started dating, but never felt something but unease. The Idea of kissing is so sweet but doing it... My first kiss was SO disgusting, I wanted to puke (I felt indifferend to any kiss after that first one). 

Back then I thought 'You feel that way because its not the right one.. Yet.' 

Then I came to the conclusion that I am Demiromantic, cause my friends are the only ones I feel really close with. Sometimes I get this 'I would be ok with dating you but not dating you is okay as hell as well.' 

But after 22 years of being single and never having a crush on a real person I started to rethink.  I always feel unconfirtable when it comes to romantic expectations of others. I an Ace for a while now, and at the beginning I thought it was the sexual pressure that pulled me away... But no...

 

I am so confused because. The idea of a QPR seems so perfect to me. At the same time I am always nervous around people I get to close to. I am stiff and overthink and... 

 

I don't even kbow what I am trying to get at here. Maybe just some support or your experieces on finding out what you want. 

 

I just don't want to be alone. I want to have a person for me... And at the same time I just want to be alone. 

 

Please have a beautiful day! 

 

Personally I feel like I can resonate with your post, took me a long time to accept I could be ace and finding out that I could be aro? Just didn't have enough energy to deal with that. Always rationalising because I love romance, I didn't see myself in a heternormative pairing though, always thought one day I could have that with a platonic friend. Untill I realized the majority values sexually/romantically involved pairings over platonic ones.

I hope to be someone's special someone like in a QPR, because mutual commitment & spending my life together with a lifepartner sounds great, especially if they respect my need for space. 

 Do you know what your boundaries & non negotiables are? Some of mine are all potential candidates must be my friends before I consider them for anything else, I know what types touching I would like to receive and give (with their consent) I know what Relationship dynamics I'm comfortable with (open to poly) I wouldn't mind living seperately or living together one day.

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