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Divorcing. Wish I had of knew who I was


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So, I am divorcing my husband. Domestic violence, stealing, endless criticism...whatever. 

I wish I had of known what aro was before. I was always 'too independent'. I just thought I was self-possessed. Whole. Aren't you supposed to come to someone whole so you don't screw them up with baggage and toxicity?

I was also told I was intimidating for a girl. Dude, whatever. That's so lame. I'm 5'4. 130lbs. Get a grip.

When I get quiet and honest with myself, and after talking with my abuse counselor....I get in relationships for the possibility of having children one day, not having the romantic relationship. Romance and entanglements make me sick. Physically ill. Emotionally unwell. 

I really love kids. I'm a mama at heart. The men I selected were not the best guys as far as lovers go, but they were better dads or had great dad potential.

After much soul searching...I now know I must live true to Aro. I am talking to my counselor about in vitro fertilization instead of partners. This last relationship almost ended my life. I must be true to me or I might not survive the next one.

I will raise my babies to know that there is nothing wrong in essence with love. But it's not for everyone. And that's okay. I want them to be socialized well. Just because Mommy is different and avoids romance doesn't mean you babies have to.

What do you all think?

Thanks for reading

 

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Hi!! My mom used in-vitro fertilization to have my brother and I. My neighbor just had her first son the same way. Both my mom and neighbor had been married to have kids and divorced, although I don’t think they’ve gone through the abuse you have. I’m glad you’re still here, and I’m glad you’re considering in-vitro fertilization instead of another relationship, I think that’s a great idea!!! I hope that if you choose that route, it goes well for you!!!

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You're right, you must be true to you. And being aro shouldn't provide you from having children. I myself think about adoption someday. My country is not advanced in terms of single woman having a baby on her own (medical procretation isn't allowed for single woman for now, allowding single woman and lesbian couples was a big discussion in 2019 but since 2020, all political discussions are about covid, so...).

Before I knew I was aro, I wanted to get married, but then I realized I didn't want a husband, I wanted a father for my future children. So I relate to what you said.

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I have mentioned this before, but sometimes I feel as if the whole institution of "romance", "romantic relationships" and other such concepts are  patriarchal tools used to lure women (or broadly speaking, AFAB people) into homemaking, taking care of men above their own needs, and having children within a nuclear family while also having to take care of a man, not to mention having to do all of that in a non-threatening way (aka can't be too dominant, loud, or other such things) while also having to maintain a full time job. Of course not all men are like this, but patriarchal institutions like dating, romance, and so on seem to lead to this from my observations though.

 

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  • 1 month later...

Completely agree with you! People should work on themselves to not carry their unresolved issues into their relationships. Must've been difficult for you! Glad to hear about your self discovery & that you're pursing what you want.

Hope I'm not overstepping, I've been really into articles and videos about platonic co-parenting like between friends to raise children? Or platonically become a family together! Could also be an option? Either way hope you have people to help support you in your endeavors! 

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