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How to be romantically unattractive?


Cassiopeia

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Hey Cassopeia.  I feel your pain here.  Its made more complex by the fact that the majority of our aro community is also ace.  So the answer for them is a simple - "just be unapproachable".   But there is a certain issue we have to deal with that is totally different for them: we actually want to find sexual partners.  We just don't want to gaze into their eyes, demote all our other friends, share bank accounts and live happily ever after.  Reconciling those two are hard.  But I ran into an aro girl the other day and she nailed the right expression that expressed to me that she was aro - but sexual.  She basically, wanted to say that she was not stuck on the Brazilian coffee blend at the office and was cool with whatever new blend they brought in.  But she said something with a knowing glint in her eye:

 

"typical me ... I have a little problem with commitment."

 

This makes her a nightmare for a sexual partner who is competing for 100% of her romantic attention (ergo: we have no romantic attention so there is nothing really to be competing for!).  So, it means she's perfect as a friend for people like us. Needless to say, she and I are going to get to know each other a little more.  

 

With no intention whatsoever of ever having to go shopping for a pet cat together. ;-)

 

 

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@Froboarder You've been so lucky to detect an aro sexual IRL, congrats! :icecream: However, I guess, the most reliable way to find an aro sexual partner is search in meetup groups or online, so acting 'just unapproachable' IRL doesn't give too many 'false negatives' (doesn't skip too many suitable candidates - a person 'randomly encountered' IRL is too likely to be a romantic sexual).

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2 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Romantic attraction is just so hard to grasp, its hard to escape it...

 

It's not only hard to escape, to me it seams impossible really ._.

No matter how hard you try to displease people as the ideal romantic partner, you always seem to be in someones "strike zone". And some people can be unnervingly persistent, no matter how frank you are with them. I obviously know nothing about your current situation or why being frank is not an option, but it's really a from "case to case thing."

If it's someone you don't care much about, you could always study what made them like you in the first place and do the opposite. Be undesirable for that particular person on purpose. But I don't believe there to be such a thing as "Universal undesirability". Specially since a lot of people don't make distinctions between sexual and romantic feelings.

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Yeah, I don't think it's possible to make yourself romantically "undesirable," as desirability is subjective. But I'm one of those rare people, it would seem, that has never had someone ask me out or tell me they have a crush on me.  I think my personality is mostly responsible for this, so I don't know that I can help much, but I have been told that I'm "intimidating," whatever that implies.  Also, I've been told I don't ever come across as flirty.  It seems like people see me as off-limits and don't feel like they have a chance with me.  The only thing I do intentionally to promote this is remain completely neutral to any possible advances.  If someone acts flirty with me, or seems to take an interest in me, I just don't acknowledge it. When I continue to behave normally and seem unaffected by their interest, most people seem to take the hint enough to not take it further. 

 

On 6/8/2016 at 3:04 PM, Cassiopeia said:

 Avoiding unwanted sexual attraction its pretty much self explanatory, but with romance? 

 

It is?! I missed that memo xD.  I have a much bigger problem with unwanted sexual attention than romantic...

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That's a weird thing to ask, but I doubt lip-piercings make anything harder for anyone. It certainly doesn't actually get in the way of kissing, or if it does.... I'd worry about your definition of "Kissing" really. Sounds potentially dangerous xD 

(how do you do the @ thing?) 

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Even if it doesn't get in the way, the feeling of the 'cold' metal touching the kisser's skin might spoil their pleasure :P (I have no firsthand experience - have never kissed anyone the lips.)

 

2 minutes ago, Kojote said:

(how do you do the @ thing?)

 

Type '@' and the first few letters of the name of the one whom you want to call. The software will offer you a popup menu where you'll be able to choose the exact name with a single click.

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I doubt anyone would seriously consider that. By that logic, people should be wary of falling in love with people who use glasses.

I can't tell if you're actually being serious or just wanted to make a joke, because I seriously doubt that something that minuscule will factor in at all, unless someone doesn't like piercings in general @_@

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16 minutes ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

Even if it doesn't get in the way, the feeling of the 'cold' metal touching the kisser's skin might spoil their pleasure 

Nah, its not cold at all. Its on/in your skin all the time, so it absorbs body heat.

But it does make applying makeup a nightmare.

1 hour ago, PerformativeSurprise said:

It is?! I missed that memo xD.  I have a much bigger problem with unwanted sexual attention than romantic...

Well I guess covering up is a way to avoid unwanted stares...at least that is the exact opposite of what people do when they want to seduce others.

But how do I cover up my personality or whatever else people might like romantically?

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17 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

Nah, its not cold at all. Its on/in your skin all the time, so it absorbs body heat.

Yeah, this too, it's likely to be warmer than your hands, unless you've been standing outside in the cold for hours with gloves on your hand. Plus your lips are soft. You do feel it, but it's not a strong or distracting feeling. And I doubt it'll have anything to do with people falling for you xD At least it didn't for me. I should know, I've had it for years.

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16 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

Well I guess covering up is a way to avoid unwanted stares...at least that is the exact opposite of what people do when they want to seduce others.

But how do I cover up my personality or whatever else people might like romantically?

 

From my experience, that works about as well as trying to cover up your personality. I used to dress in clothes a size or two too big for me just to avoid sexual attention, but I still got it.  Even though wearing revealing clothing will get you more sexual attention, covering up doesn't stop the attention altogether.  Maybe it's the same with romantic attraction.  By acting non-flirty and adopting an interaction style that indicates romantic indifference you might be able to lessen advances, but I don't think there is any way to completely prevent them.  

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The problem is, if someone really wants to be in a relationship with you, they sometimes get completely blinded. I guess that's what alloromantics mean when they say "love is blind"? Once there's initial (romantic) attraction, it seems really hard to shake it of again, no matter how indifferent you behave. I wish there was an easy way to make people fall out of love with you again. Not sure if this will be considered off topic, but does anyone have experience with this? 

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36 minutes ago, Kojote said:

I doubt anyone would seriously consider that. By that logic, people should be wary of falling in love with people who use glasses.

I can't tell if you're actually being serious or just wanted to make a joke, because I seriously doubt that something that minuscule will factor in at all, unless someone doesn't like piercings in general @_@

 

Glasses can be taken off easier.

 

If the piercing doesn't hurt the wearer during kissing, it's OK, but I think I'm not the only one who's afraid of the pain.

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Just now, aroMa(n)tisse said:

Glasses can be taken off easier.

 

If the piercing doesn't hurt the wearer during kissing, it's OK, but I think I'm not the only one who's afraid of the pain.

 

A piercing can be taken off, too =) Again, I know, because my dad demanded that off me for about a year for phobic reasons. 

Just like earnings, piercings don't hurt the wearer after the initial piercing is done. If they do, you should consider getting rid of them because you might be allergic or there might be an infection or you might have a skin condition (a good piercer will tell you that). But that's rare. A piercing is 100% pain free and nobody has to worry about it. It's not an open wound ^^ 

You might wanna be careful though with a fresh piercing. No kissing while it's still healing =D 

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Guest ad-ARO-ble

In my experience, there are three ways:

 

All the hair. Just grow hair. Never shave, never trim. If you are a guy, gal, or whatever else, this seems to work. However, gross beards are gross.

 

As others have said, dress gender neutrally. However, this only works if you are not a particularly outgoing person in my experience, so it may be to do with that.

 

Finally, dress plainly. Very plainly. Not 'dystopian uniform' plain, but 'I collect lawnmower handles' plain. I have a friend who has this to an art form. All he wants to do is be left alone and do maths. He gets left alone and does maths.

 

That last one works for pretty much any kind of attention. Bore people before they have the chance to meet you.

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In my experience, the nerdier you are, the less attractive you are. Not the trendy introverted millenial who has cute square glasses and likes anime, but more the old school hardcore nerd with few social skills ;) But in return, that means accepting being unpopular when it comes to friendships as well :( 

More seriously, there is pretty much no way to not look very attractive if you enjoy being pretty, sadly.

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23 minutes ago, Rising Sun said:

But in return, that means accepting being unpopular when it comes to friendships as well :(

 

Except with similar nerds ^_^

 

2 hours ago, ad-ARO-ble said:

All the hair. Just grow hair. Never shave, never trim. If you are a guy, gal, or whatever else, this seems to work. However, gross beards are gross.

 

As others have said, dress gender neutrally. However, this only works if you are not a particularly outgoing person in my experience, so it may be to do with that.

 

If a male grows a beard, it doesn't matter much if he dresses masculine or gender-neutral - he'll still be perceived as male and people won't look forward to kissing with him.

 

If he goes for a Conchita Wurst style, though, he'll get weird looks but it will make him even less attractive to monoromantics :D

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8 hours ago, Rising Sun said:

In my experience, the nerdier you are, the less attractive you are.

I'm nerdy af but my baggy Star Trek shirt just puts me in the manic pixie dream girl box. It might be my figure, or my personality, I'm not sure.

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Here is how.

 

Every fifteen minutes on the dot, no matter what you're doing or where you are, 

stick one leg in the air and scream loudly like a walrus

 

Works 99.9% of the time manufacturer's guarantee 

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1 hour ago, Swablu said:

Here is how.

 

Every fifteen minutes on the dot, no matter what you're doing or where you are, 

stick one leg in the air and scream loudly like a walrus

 

Works 99.9% of the time manufacturer's guarantee 

all my problems, future, past, and present, are now solved

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