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A Recent Experience With Romance (anecdote)


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Hello, this is my first post here so I apologize if there’s anything strange.

Getting straight to the point, I was once watching a movie with some people I knew. One person was going on about how much she loved one of the characters (romantically) and I was just kind of ignoring it like I always do with these kinds of things. However, she later mentioned that she had a friend that looked exactly like the woman she had been going on about earlier but that her friend was straight. That was when someone else responded with word for word “She doesn’t realize what nature made her lose.” I don’t know what it was, but in that moment I felt completely singled out by that comment. I think it was just the fact that not having attraction was viewed as something lost. I try not to let things like this affect me but my mind in the moment started going to the “How would they view me? Would I just be something to be pitied because nature made me ‘lose’ what’s so important to them?” I hate that people think like this so so much. I don’t want to be someone viewed as less so just because of the way I am. Even if it wasn’t aimed at me it really hit me hard.

This mindset I’ve seen in a lot of people, and all it really does is make me feel like an outsider to everyone else and their lives. Does anyone else have similar experiences to this, or is it just me?

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Sorry you had to hear that.

 

I can be wrong but I think in this context it was more "she misses something if she doesn't date you" rather than "if she doesn't date women". Which is still confusing. We can have meaningful relationship with people without dating them!

 

When someone says that, I try to think about analogy. I do think that people who don't love Harry Potter (books or movies not the character ha ha) are missing something. Are they less than me for that? No they are not. And they probably have other interests that I don't have and think I'm missing something too.

Same with romance. Maybe we are missing something? Maybe. But we are not lacking of something that would make us more human. We are not less for that. We just have others focuses and this alright.

That's what I'd say when people think my life is miserable  because of aromanticism.

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On 12/20/2020 at 10:15 AM, nonmerci said:

When someone says that, I try to think about analogy. I do think that people who don't love Harry Potter (books or movies not the character ha ha) are missing something. Are they less than me for that? No they are not. And they probably have other interests that I don't have and think I'm missing something too.

Same with romance. Maybe we are missing something? Maybe. But we are not lacking of something that would make us more human. We are not less for that. We just have others focuses and this alright.

That's what I'd say when people think my life is miserable  because of aromanticism.

I really like your analogy and will keep it in mind the next time someone says I'm losing out in something.

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On 12/20/2020 at 10:02 AM, 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess said:

It's not just you.  I was raised by a Christian family ("Be fruitful and multiply!") who all had too many kids & were quite disturbed by my lack of interest in anyone.  Other aros have gotten plenty of dense responses:  f1efe85f6f6c8268f833772be5469b94.jpg

This shows in a tragic way how many aros get to hear things like that. I'm not even out as aromantic, but can still tick some of those boxes...

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Yeah, I think it's really difficult to understand why someone doesn't want something when it's all you want. 

Like chocolate. If someone says they don't like chocolate, my brain immediately goes to 'are they allergic or something? How do you not like chocolate? Everyone likes chocolate!"

So I guess I just try to remind myself that it's just a lack of understanding sometimes, not a deliberate thought that someone can't dislike 'chocolate.'

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On 12/20/2020 at 10:15 AM, nonmerci said:

When someone says that, I try to think about analogy. I do think that people who don't love Harry Potter (books or movies not the character ha ha) are missing something. Are they less than me for that? No they are not. And they probably have other interests that I don't have and think I'm missing something too.

Same with romance. Maybe we are missing something? Maybe. But we are not lacking of something that would make us more human. We are not less for that. We just have others focuses and this alright.

But the response was "She doesn’t realize what nature made her lose". Quite melodramatic compared to "You're missing something".

When youth ends the life experiences of modern humans strongly separate depending on career, education, wealth, etc. Which makes the supposed shared commonalities such a big deal.

Enjoying the Harry Potter series isn't regarded as such a commonality. For a good chunk of the population they're lowbrow genre novels. Another large chunk doesn't read fiction at all. Few are upset by this.

But romance is different. It's number 1 of supposed shared universal human interests.

 

 

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Hey. I have a tendency of taking things very personally even when they are not really personal, and while knowing that generally doesn't help in the moment, I can see myself in some of these situations. And I think there is something like that going on here. At least with the specific comment your friend made.

On 12/17/2020 at 1:26 AM, With a dash of cinnamon said:

That was when someone else responded with word for word “She doesn’t realize what nature made her lose.”

See, this was not perfectly phrased, but it also wasn't about you. There probably wasn't even that much intention behind it. It is one person going "I like someone who isn't into me :( " and another trying to be supportive like "She's missing out! (because you're great)" It's just an offer of reassurance, it doesn't mean anything. I don't think these people were trying to say anything about the value romance as a concept, or about you at all. It just feels like that, when we feel like we have to be on our guard all the time.

Edited by Jedi
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