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Aro and Want to be a Parent


Ettina
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I've been trying to conceive via sperm donation, because I want to be a single parent by choice. Anyone else aro and want to have kids? I feel like aro spaces are often overwhelmingly childfree to the point where sometimes I feel erased because I'm aro and one of my biggest dreams is to be a parent.

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I'm aroace and since I'm a kid I said I wanted 3 kids. Now only one would be good already.

I thought about sperm donation too but this being legal for single woman is only in discussion in my country (they debate to make it legal for lesbian couple and the debates were extended to single women). I don't really want to justify myself all the time, my family is not really open about that (create a child without a father, etc). Don't want to fight them.

However I think I may adopt someday.

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  • 2 months later...

I don't know how my mother identifies- she's been married but only for a short period of time when she was younger, and she did have romantic relationships when she was in high school but hasn't had any long-term relationships since she got divorced. Through sperm donation, she had me and my younger brother. I'm personally probably on the aromantic spectrum and I definitely want kids too, just not for a while lol. As a child conceived through sperm donation and raised by a single mother, I think its a great choice as long as you're sure that you're ready. And like with all kids, yours will ask some difficult questions, you'd just have to deal with some questions of a different breed lol. And like idk don't avoid questions ig? When I was in pre-k I told everyone my dad died in a war because my mom never explained that to me properly. Its kinda funny now but concerned parents, teachers and friends at the time so just a warning, stuff like that might happen XD

But best of luck to you!! I hope this works out well for you!!

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I have a close friend who is aroace, and she really wants to have kids, also via sperm donation. I personally don't want my own children, but I've thought about co-parenting. I really like the idea of trio parenting because it would allow me to be involved with parenting but would be potentially less demanding since more adults would be responsible for raising the child. 

Anyway, I also hope it works out for you and that you can realize your dream of becoming a parent! 

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On 11/27/2020 at 12:24 PM, Ettina said:

I feel like aro spaces are often overwhelmingly childfree to the point where sometimes I feel erased because I'm aro and one of my biggest dreams is to be a parent.

In my anecdotal experience it is true that a lot of aros aren't interested in having kids (myself included), and I can imagine that would absolutely make people who do want kids feel excluded, which sucks. I'm sorry.

I do have a few bits and pieces that relate to choosing to be a single parent in my rather shambolic personal collection of aro-related resources and links, in case any of these are helpful for anyone in this thread:

  • This table shows countries where it is legal for a single LGBT parent to adopt
  • Things to consider about adopting as a single parent (UK website but the tips are fairly general, with links to examples of success stories)
  • Info pamphlet on adopting as a single parent (in the USA)
  • Single Mothers By Choice, a network for, well, what the name says

Googling "single parent by choice" also brings up a bunch of communities, articles, and resources about choosing to be a single parent for whatever reason. Although these aren't generally aro-specific, maybe @AUREA could look into adding something representative to their General Resources, similar to the inclusion of Unmarried Equality? (Or if there isn't anything gender-neutral and representative, maybe a link to SMBC with a note that people may be able to find similar local groups by Googling?)

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ooff feel that, I am aro and am already a single mom to a 5 year old and yeah definitely feel like the odd one out because aro spaces are very child-free. Although I think part of it is just that the aro community skews pretty young right now. 

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On 2/10/2021 at 11:50 PM, eatingcroutons said:

In my anecdotal experience it is true that a lot of aros aren't interested in having kids (myself included), and I can imagine that would absolutely make people who do want kids feel excluded, which sucks. I'm sorry.

I do have a few bits and pieces that relate to choosing to be a single parent in my rather shambolic personal collection of aro-related resources and links, in case any of these are helpful for anyone in this thread:

  • This table shows countries where it is legal for a single LGBT parent to adopt
  • Things to consider about adopting as a single parent (UK website but the tips are fairly general, with links to examples of success stories)
  • Info pamphlet on adopting as a single parent (in the USA)
  • Single Mothers By Choice, a network for, well, what the name says

Googling "single parent by choice" also brings up a bunch of communities, articles, and resources about choosing to be a single parent for whatever reason. Although these aren't generally aro-specific, maybe @AUREA could look into adding something representative to their General Resources, similar to the inclusion of Unmarried Equality? (Or if there isn't anything gender-neutral and representative, maybe a link to SMBC with a note that people may be able to find similar local groups by Googling?)

This is actually decent start to a collection of resources, and a wonderful idea for an addition to AUREA's resources! Thank you so much for the suggestion! We are currently looking into the resources you've shared, as well as possible others we can add to our website that might be able to help single aros looking to be parents. If anyone has such resources they'd like to share, please feel free to message us with them. 

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I either want to be a single parent or raise kids with a friend/group of friends, if I can find any willing partners. I think I prefer adoption, but am not very opposed to having biological kids. Very interested in looking into resources the aro community can find on this topic. 

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I'd be open to it, but my main concerns are being in a country with shitty maternity leave policies and/or not having enough cash to be able to take time off from work and recuperate and manage the complexities of pregnancy. If I ever can put the money away for that stuff (and to cushion against shitty maternity leave policies), sure. If not, adoption or fostering kids will be the way to go for me since there are many unwanted kids around the world, and the world population is quite large as it is already. But of course my main issue is the economic aspect of stuff.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can relate to this. My brother and I were raised by a single mom (who only recently got re-married when I was in my 20's) with no dad. However, our maternal grandparents did a lot of the labor of raising us and providing financially, plus I was lucky to have a lot of good friends in elementary and middle school who always wanted to do sleepovers at each others' houses, so it felt like having a large family even though on paper it was just two kids and one adult. My brother and I did have a biological father who was married to our mom, but he was an addict to a lot of substances which made him very volatile and did little to raise us when he was alive, he died when I was 3 and my brother was 8, so I was very much raised with no memory of having a second parent. From what I knew about him from my brother and some stories from my mom, not gonna lie and apologies for the morbidity, but it seems like we were much better off without him.

I think that experience and knowledge has influenced my thoughts on childrearing. Not set on having children, but I love the idea of raising children and helping them grow, learn, and hopefully become positive influences in the lives of others. And if I did, I wouldn't want to have a married partner. Maybe a co-parent, but it would have to be some extraordinary person, that or a very close friend or friends. 

My mom is so ready to be a grandmother that it drives me nuts. I even told her recently that if I ever have kids I'm not gonna get married or have the other parent in the picture. Her response? "Even better!!" 

On 2/18/2021 at 6:55 AM, MulticulturalFarmer said:

I'd be open to it, but my main concerns are being in a country with shitty maternity leave policies and/or not having enough cash to be able to take time off from work and recuperate and manage the complexities of pregnancy. If I ever can put the money away for that stuff (and to cushion against shitty maternity leave policies), sure. If not, adoption or fostering kids will be the way to go for me since there are many unwanted kids around the world, and the world population is quite large as it is already. But of course my main issue is the economic aspect of stuff.

Fostering seems like one of the best options for parenting. And, though it can be questionable in less-than-altruistic cases, it does have the benefit of providing financial support. 

As a child of a single parent... Yeah, the lack of financial support is the biggest part. I had an unstable childhood in terms of parenting from my mom (understandable as an adult, infuriating as a child), and without our grandparents, we would have definitely been homeless. Hopefully activists in (my country, the US) our country can work towards more social support for all parents, but especially single ones. 

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On 2/10/2021 at 9:22 AM, Erederyn said:

I have a close friend who is aroace, and she really wants to have kids, also via sperm donation. I personally don't want my own children, but I've thought about co-parenting. I really like the idea of trio parenting because it would allow me to be involved with parenting but would be potentially less demanding since more adults would be responsible for raising the child.

That's cool!

I don't want children myself but I want to be involved in children of my friends and siblings. Unfortunately no one has any yet.

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On 11/27/2020 at 2:24 AM, Ettina said:

I've been trying to conceive via sperm donation, because I want to be a single parent by choice. Anyone else aro and want to have kids? I feel like aro spaces are often overwhelmingly childfree to the point where sometimes I feel erased because I'm aro and one of my biggest dreams is to be a parent.

Being a single parent, which aromanticism would be associated with, is understandably difficult to accept => aro spaces are quite childfree. But what I don't understand is the strong aversion common in aro spaces towards having children. Or that so many openly say they can't deal with children at all. Raising a child is light years apart from romantic stuff?! The relationship with a child does not compare! I feel sometimes envious of parents.

Ok, since I won't enter a romantic relationship, the most realistic version of me having children would be like: some random woman got pregnant by me, I get sued for child support, I never see the child -- only practical difference is less money in my bank account. So yeah, don't know what's so great about that.

I resent the idea of me being basically punished "seducing" an "innocent" woman. It's not a model that just reasons from the basic premise that the child's welfare must be guaranteed. In that case then if e.g. the mother is very rich, we could already say "case closed, child's welfare secured". That certainly would be very unfair, but for the child it makes no difference.

It's a conceptual model that works like civil litigation, compensation of damages. And it assumes humans reproduce like some sort of dioecious plant:

My pollen get carried away by the wind, contaminate the whole neighborhood, no woman can leave the house. Finally an unsuspecting woman leaves some air in and gets fertilized against her will.

Yeah, if it would be like that, we can think of me causing damage I should pay for. But that's not how human reproduction works.

You can get pregnant by sex and you can impregnate someone by sex (depending on your plumbing). Consensual sex with all relevant information disclosed, is an active shared decision. So no party should be extremely privileged in choosing the burdens from its consequences.

In the last years those laws in European countries were found to violate the European Convention on Human Rights and have been changed. The "impregnating party" theoretically has some right to a relationship with the child under normal circumstances.

Practically it would not be "nice" in most cases, IMHO. The cultural biases remain and are so bad from the outset. And it would only really work if those involved are mature, sympathetic and responsible.

Then I can imagine (extremely far fetched) me ending up as a single parent.

One of my neighbors is indeed a rare single father of three children and works full-time. I don't know all the details of what happened there. They were a stereotypical middle class family and then came the divorce. What's unusual (statistically! I'd never blame a mother for leaving as long as she doesn't cut her children 100% from her life) is that the mother leaved.

Ok, I do not even have to think about how I would like such a situation, I would not be able to manage what he does. Not even for one child. I'm very inefficient regarding housekeeping. If I could work half-time... but I earn € 50,000 gross. So half of that yikes (living costs here are not remotely as bad as in US cities, but still YIKES).

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i would loveeee to have childs of mine lol. 

but i would probably end up raising them as a single parent or with my friends lol and the friend im thinking of right now would teach them to throw knives soooo, yea single or knife throwing. ill take the risk of knives lol. at least its better than being alone.

or i could just adopt or foster which i am totally okay with lol.

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