Can I tell someone who isn't on aromantic spectrum that I want to be in QPR with them?

[Alexander]

Hello there. Well, this is my first post. I am Alexander - a 18 years old, aroace (pan-oriented) man. I have a queer platonic crush on one of my best friends. Their name is Rainn. They're nonbinary, demisexual and 16 years old. They are currently questioning their romantic orientation, however they think they're probably attracted to women and overall feminity. So I doubt the option that they could fall for me. We had known each other for a few years now (I was about 11 and thet were around 9 when we first met). You could say that we're childhood friends. I had a huge squish on them back then. But after being best friends with them for years I kinda developed a queer platonic crush on them. They're for 100% not aromantic and they want to have a romantic relationship with someone (preferably a girl, they're not sure yet though). Since they are on asexual spectrum and we talk about LGBTQ+ a lot they know pretty much about aromanticism. They know what QPR, QPP, smush or squish is. Should I tell them that I want to be in QPR with them? I am kind of worried that their future romantic partner would be jealous or something like that. I mean, I was in like 5 romantic relationships before I realized I was aroace (two with girls, another two with boys and one with agender person, but nothing worked for me). And I can for sure say that people get jealous for no reason when they're falling in love. I don't understand it at all. But I am still worried. Should I confess to them? It's just that my feelings for them are really strong. We have a unbreakable connection, so I doubt anything could end our friendship. It just feels right. Kind of like when people who feel romantic love are like "they are the love of my life". I am the same with Rainn, but platonically. Should I confess to them anyway or keep those feelings to myself?

[DogObsessedLi]

I don't know if anyone can tell you what's best to do because what's best probably depends on the individuals involved, that is you and your friend. Though if they are knowledgeable about QPP/QPR and aromantic stuff, and you've discussed other things with them as you've said, it sounds to me that you should be able to discuss it with them, especially if it's done in the correct way (maybe how you've discussed everything else). You are right though about romantics getting jealous. I was discussing it recently with a romantic ace I know and she described it as "emotional cheating". Though obviously not all romantics are that way, the romantics I work best with in relationships tend to be the ones more chilled out about romance and overall open to communication. I have tried a QPP with a romantic woman previously (she was homoromantic so it was different to what your situation is), but I don't feel qualified to use it in advice for you because it also failed for non-aro based reasons. What I do suspect though is that if you don't discuss it in some way with your friend, keeping it to yourself as it were, might have long term consequences for your emotional health. Maybe the solution is in how you approach talking about it. I hope you find a solution that suits you as really only you can decide what's best ultimately.

[Erederyn]

I definitely agree with what user DogObsessedLianne said. Keeping those feelings to yourself could end up being negative for you and could lead to some regrets. There isn't really one right way to do this. But perhaps before confessing your feelings and telling them you want to be in a QPR with them, you could start off first by testing the waters a bit (if you haven't done this already). Your friend knows about QPRs and you know they would want a romantic partnership, but maybe you can ask them what they'd think of a being QPR in general (maybe it's something they never thought of for themselves). You could even start off with a conversation about your current relationship, discussing your commitment to the friendship and if they feel the same, asking them what they hope for in the future for your friendship, etc. Then at least you could have some idea about whether or not you're on similar pages and how to proceed.

I also had a QPR with someone not on the aro spectrum, so it is indeed possible (although it ended also because of non-aro based reasons). He wanted the possibility of having a romantic/sexual partner as well, so we had a polyaffectionate relationship, which worked well for us. Of course, it was challenging at times when he started dating and his dates didn't understand that I was his partner as well, but he was very committed to our QPP and he did once in a while meet people who were okay with our arrangement. That is something you'd have to potentially discuss with your friend, though. So if that's something you'd be open to, you could propose a sort of polyaffectionate QPP, so that your friend could still have a romantic partner. That is, of course, further down the line, I realize, if you even decide to confess and it goes well. 

[hermi1e]

Absolutely, I encourage u to tell them! It is definitely possible and allowed for alloromantic people to be in QPRs. The main thing to be aware of is how you define and communicate it, especially if they aren't familiar w QPRs.

With my person, neither of us are asexual, but he was sorta aware of squishes when i told him i liked him. This was a bit bumpy, because I needed to go beyond "i have a squish on you, do you want to be my QPP" when i confessed my feelings. We had dif levels of knowledge of these labels, and different definitions. It's important to try n clearly say your feelings and desires, define the labels you're interested in using, ask them what their feelings are, etc. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's entirely possible that y'all have some similar feelings and desires and comfort levels, and others that are different, and that's fantastic to be aware of. Maybe they like you too!

For future romo relationships, I'd also kinda suggest communication lol. It's excellent to be aware about what future partners are comfortable with: if they are bothered by you having another partner, ya gotta respect that, and it might be good to find compromises. (Maybe u don't talk to ur romo partner about ur qpp, to avoid jealousy. Maybe they stay separate, to avoid hurt feelings. Maybe you decide that you don't wanna date anyone, unless they're ok with ur qpp .) If this future romo partner is ok with you having another relationship, then that's fantastic! 

Another thing to keep in mind (tho this might be a cross-that-bridge-when-u-get-to-it thing) is relationship hierarchy, which a lot of polyamorous folks like to think about. If you had both a romantic and queerplatonic relationship, which would u spend more time on? Would it be equal? How would u want to show them love, and receive love? Do you think one would be more important to you than the other? What would you hope to get from each? 

This can be nerve-wracking and difficult, because feelings are overwhelming and rejection is scaryyyyyy, but i think u should shoot ur shot! I hope it works out. 

 

[Nagito]

I think you should say it. I didn’t say to alloromantic ex-friend before and I ended up feeling very bad with it when they started ignoring me. I was like ’ah, no, it’s not the best time for it’ and now I’m sure I won’t find a qpp in very near future. I lost my chance.

[Alexander]

21 hours ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

I don't know if anyone can tell you what's best to do because what's best probably depends on the individuals involved, that is you and your friend. Though if they are knowledgeable about QPP/QPR and aromantic stuff, and you've discussed other things with them as you've said, it sounds to me that you should be able to discuss it with them, especially if it's done in the correct way (maybe how you've discussed everything else). You are right though about romantics getting jealous. I was discussing it recently with a romantic ace I know and she described it as "emotional cheating". Though obviously not all romantics are that way, the romantics I work best with in relationships tend to be the ones more chilled out about romance and overall open to communication. I have tried a QPP with a romantic woman previously (she was homoromantic so it was different to what your situation is), but I don't feel qualified to use it in advice for you because it also failed for non-aro based reasons. What I do suspect though is that if you don't discuss it in some way with your friend, keeping it to yourself as it were, might have long term consequences for your emotional health. Maybe the solution is in how you approach talking about it. I hope you find a solution that suits you as really only you can decide what's best ultimately.

 

20 hours ago, Erederyn said:

I definitely agree with what user DogObsessedLianne said. Keeping those feelings to yourself could end up being negative for you and could lead to some regrets. There isn't really one right way to do this. But perhaps before confessing your feelings and telling them you want to be in a QPR with them, you could start off first by testing the waters a bit (if you haven't done this already). Your friend knows about QPRs and you know they would want a romantic partnership, but maybe you can ask them what they'd think of a being QPR in general (maybe it's something they never thought of for themselves). You could even start off with a conversation about your current relationship, discussing your commitment to the friendship and if they feel the same, asking them what they hope for in the future for your friendship, etc. Then at least you could have some idea about whether or not you're on similar pages and how to proceed.

I also had a QPR with someone not on the aro spectrum, so it is indeed possible (although it ended also because of non-aro based reasons). He wanted the possibility of having a romantic/sexual partner as well, so we had a polyaffectionate relationship, which worked well for us. Of course, it was challenging at times when he started dating and his dates didn't understand that I was his partner as well, but he was very committed to our QPP and he did once in a while meet people who were okay with our arrangement. That is something you'd have to potentially discuss with your friend, though. So if that's something you'd be open to, you could propose a sort of polyaffectionate QPP, so that your friend could still have a romantic partner. That is, of course, further down the line, I realize, if you even decide to confess and it goes well. 

 

20 hours ago, hermi1e said:

Absolutely, I encourage u to tell them! It is definitely possible and allowed for alloromantic people to be in QPRs. The main thing to be aware of is how you define and communicate it, especially if they aren't familiar w QPRs.

With my person, neither of us are asexual, but he was sorta aware of squishes when i told him i liked him. This was a bit bumpy, because I needed to go beyond "i have a squish on you, do you want to be my QPP" when i confessed my feelings. We had dif levels of knowledge of these labels, and different definitions. It's important to try n clearly say your feelings and desires, define the labels you're interested in using, ask them what their feelings are, etc. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's entirely possible that y'all have some similar feelings and desires and comfort levels, and others that are different, and that's fantastic to be aware of. Maybe they like you too!

For future romo relationships, I'd also kinda suggest communication lol. It's excellent to be aware about what future partners are comfortable with: if they are bothered by you having another partner, ya gotta respect that, and it might be good to find compromises. (Maybe u don't talk to ur romo partner about ur qpp, to avoid jealousy. Maybe they stay separate, to avoid hurt feelings. Maybe you decide that you don't wanna date anyone, unless they're ok with ur qpp .) If this future romo partner is ok with you having another relationship, then that's fantastic! 

Another thing to keep in mind (tho this might be a cross-that-bridge-when-u-get-to-it thing) is relationship hierarchy, which a lot of polyamorous folks like to think about. If you had both a romantic and queerplatonic relationship, which would u spend more time on? Would it be equal? How would u want to show them love, and receive love? Do you think one would be more important to you than the other? What would you hope to get from each? 

This can be nerve-wracking and difficult, because feelings are overwhelming and rejection is scaryyyyyy, but i think u should shoot ur shot! I hope it works out. 

 

Big thanks to all of you, I decided to tell them! I hope we will be able to sort things out. Maybe we'll get into QPR and maybe not. I won't know if I don't try. Wish me luck! ?

7 hours ago, Rony said:

I think you should say it. I didn’t say to alloromantic ex-friend before and I ended up feeling very bad with it when they started ignoring me. I was like ’ah, no, it’s not the best time for it’ and now I’m sure I won’t find a qpp in very near future. I lost my chance.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! I hope you'll be okay :((

I'm sure you will find a perfect QPP one day if you want one. Keep hopes up! You never know.

Edited November 24, 2020 by Alexander

[Erederyn]

17 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Big thanks to all of you, I decided to tell them! I hope we will be able to sort things out. Maybe we'll get into QPR and maybe not. I won't know if I don't try. Wish me luck! ?

Best of luck, I hope all goes well!! ?

[Nagito]

2 hours ago, Alexander said:

Wish me luck! ?

Good luck!

Quote

I'm sure you will find a perfect QPP one day if you want one. Keep hopes up! You never know.

I’m going to focus completely on my activist work now. It’s better than thinking about the thing I’ve lost.

[Alexander]

2 hours ago, Rony said:

Good luck!

I’m going to focus completely on my activist work now. It’s better than thinking about the thing I’ve lost.

good luck with work then ❤️