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DaviM703

Think I figured out something about my sexuality, wondering if there's a word for it and if anyone can relate

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I've been not totally sure what to call my sexuality for a while. I know I'm some kind of gray-ace or demi, and don't consider partnered sex a high priority but I can sometimes feel sexual desire toward people I don't know well, and I think I've figured out that it's only with another type of interest in the person rather than on its own. For example, in 2019 when I was starting at a new college, I had a guided tour around campus led by a student, and my tour guide mentioned having been lonely and not having a lot of friends her first year there, which I could relate to and after that I became interested in her based on that relatable experience and also noticed she was wearing short shorts and had nice legs when I hadn't been at all interested in her physically before. Can anyone relate to this experience of only being sexually attracted to people you are interested in for another reason as well, and does anyone know what it's called?

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It could be alterous attraction as well.  It could be a mild sexual attraction. It could be aesthetic. 

It may help to think about what that attraction made you want to do - did you want to have sex with her? Be physical in some other way? Just keep looking? If it was a mild feeling or happened a while ago it may be hard to figure that out, but desire for certain behaviors can generally point to what kind of attraction it is. 

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This was definitely sexual attraction because I felt some degree of sexual desire toward her, but I think I don't feel any pretty much ever to people I know nothing about even if they are naked, and can only feel it toward people I have some kind of interest in as a human being rather than just sexual appeal. What I was asking if there was a name for is being able to feel sexual attraction only with another type of interest in the same person but not necessarily a close relationship.

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Since you only feel sexual attraction under a specific circumstance you are definetly in the grey area of asexuality but I don't think there is a term that describes your experience. Demisexuality usualy involves an emotional bond. Do you think you created a bond with her based on relatability?

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Depending on how you interpret it, you might be experiencing "secondary sexual attraction" which is what some definitions of demisexuality use instead of emotional bond.

"A sexual attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person."
http://wiki.asexuality.org/Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_model?title=Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_model

Personally, for the rare times I MIGHT have experienced platonic/romantic/emotional attraction, it was within the initial conversation, which doesn't fit into the usual connotation of secondary attraction because it's "too fast". But technically, personality and the experiences they've had that you relate to are all secondary traits

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If you want a more specific term for your experience and can't find it, you could create one.

I brainstormed some terms - but since you didn't *ask* for people to make up terms, I spoilered it. 

Spoiler

"relatasexual....." Okay, probably not that word :P "microdemisexual" "speed-demisexual" "dodrantsexual / dodrasexual"
dodrant for 3/4 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Numeral_prefix because if demi is 1/2 and based on secondary sexual desire and allo is 1 and based on primacy sexual desire - then sexual attraction based on common interest / relatability is 3/4???


Let me know if you think of a good term (or find one) for inbetween primary and secondary attraction. Sesquipedalian (1.5) Attraction would be such a mouthful. Or if you find another definition of secondary attraction. 

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I think I like dodrasexual best of those. I think it's definitely the demisexual spectrum, but the relatively low qualifier end.

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I tried sharing the dodra- idea (my understanding of it at least) and it seems like it might be a standard gray experience that people didn't understand making a term for. 
So I put up a poll to see how many grays experience it the "dodra" way already. I guess I would let go of dodra (personally) if it's a standard gray experience.

But you do what you want with dodra :)

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that actually just sounds...like pretty typical sexual attraction? most people aren't going to be seriously interested in someone sexually if their only redeeming trait is that they're hot.

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