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Holmbo

Anyone else unable to relate to the fear of dying alone?

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I feel like this a common theme among aros. The statement that you're ok with being single but you don't want to die alone. What does it even mean? Not wanting to be alone at your deathbed, or not wanting to be alone as one gets older? Or not wanting to be alone if you'd get sick or injured today. 

Anyways I can't really relate to that fear. But maybe it's just cause I feel like my older days are still so far off. When I get into my sixties I'll befriend some younger people so they can be there for me ūüėĄ

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I don't have that feel neither. If we realy I feel alone I still have my brother.

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Posted (edited)

Well I've never thought of it as "fear of dying alone" but I do worry about being one of those miserable lonely old people who goes for weeks at a times without seeing anyone but their professional carer, especially if I experience some level of mental degeneration in old age which makes it difficult to maintain friendships. And with how life expectancy continues to increase but health span is not keeping up I find it highly likely that I will experience that, most likely for several years.

I saw it with both my gran and grandma, in their final years dementia wasn't crippling enough to make them need to be in a home, or make them forget who they were or the people around them were, it must made them difficult (at best) to be around, and if they didn't have children and grandchildren  who felt obligated to spend time with them no matter how unpleasant they were, then they would have been completely alone in their final years.

I can either hope that at some point over the next 50 years there will be revolutionary treatment for mental and health degeneration in old age, which is certainly possible, or that I have a nice quick death before I become completely decrepit, or that my nephews will grow up to love me enough to want to visit.

Edited by Rolo
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Posted (edited)

I think what people generally mean is feeling lonely/isolated your whole life and not having anyone to lean on/reach out to, especially since meeting new people/making deep connections is assumed to be harder in old age. And the role of 'someone who stays by your side and you trust/feel close to' is usually assumed to go to a partner. I don't know how much I've personally thought about this for myself, mostly I'm content with my friends and family?

Edit: The other thing I just thought of, for a lot of people it ends up or could end up that their friends/family don't live nearby enough to be super involved, because career/life choices lead them different places and it isn't assumed that you'll make a mutual effort to be in the same city or neighborhood as them (at least certainly not friends, possibly family but I know it's not weird for them to be separated by distance either)

Edited by Autumn
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41 minutes ago, Autumn said:

feeling onely/isolated your whole life and not having anyone to lean on/reach out to...

 

2 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Or not wanting to be alone if you'd get sick or injured...

That's some of the things I think about when worrying about being alone. Right now I'm quite happy with my life as it is, and have friends and family to help if I'm ill or need advice or something. It's more the fear/feeling that for everyone else the romantic partner is the priority and I don't have anyone whose priority I would be.

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I am afraid of having no family or friends left in the future, couldn't care less about someone to smooch with. ūüėź

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This isn't an aro thing and it doesn't have anything to do with the original question, but I thought I'd share my nonsensical insecurity around being lonely.


¬†I'm scared of being unable to form connections with people. I've had multiple disillusionments with "friends" and, now, it seems my "friendships" don't go any further than the surface. They're just fun people I talk to sometimes. I used to care a lot, and now I don't. I don't even feel lonely anymore and that scares me. Don't know why. I should be happy that I don't feel the need to have friends, but I'm not.¬†ūü§∑‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ

Edited by Vhenan
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2 hours ago, Vhenan said:

I'm scared of being unable to form connections with people. I've had multiple disillusionment with "friends" and, now, it seems my "friendships" don't go any further than the surface. They're just fun people I talk to sometimes. I used to care a lot, and now I don't. I don't even feel lonely anymore and that scares me. Don't know why. I should be happy that I don't feel the need to have friends, but I'm not. 

Feelings are valid and don't have to make sense. To me your feelings make sense because losing touch with any emotion (even a "negative" one like loneliness) is a form of loss and could be making you feel "less human". I experience "emotional flatlining" where my emotions are muted or delayed, and on the one hand I like not dealing with emotions //which is possibly why this is happening :P //, on the other hand I feel like I "ought to fix" my emotional health. It's not a perfect comparison and I don't have an answer, but you aren't alone. 

I recently found the word aplatonic and I love it. (There's 3+ definitions out there, and I sort of mush multiple definitions together for myself.) 

There's certainly that voice of doubt going "Really Char? You think it's okay to not have any kind of deeper human connection?". But this is about being happy. Yes, a deep human connection with someone is a piece of being happy for many, but feeling obligated to fake or seek out deep connections wasn't making me happy. I'll just have to find happiness elsewhere :)

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I am scared of dying, and scared of being alone, but not together. Also, I generally agree with the idea that we all die alone, even if surrounded by people.

Maybe I'm just not afraid because I've always seen it as a fact...

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To be honest it is not that I fear dying alone in itself but that I fear if my death is painful then dying alone will make it worse. If I were with someone they might call an ambulance, I have a chance of getting some drugs to numb the worst of the pain. Even if not I could at least die with a comforting voice and someone trying to make my last moments less unpleasant.

If I die alone then my big fear is that it will be a long, painful experience as there is no-one to help ease that. I could be collapsed on the floor for hours, maybe over a day slowly dying. no numbing the pain, no comfort. Hopefully if I do live alone I notice something is wrong and call an ambulance before but I fear I won't.

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