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I broke up with my gf after realizing I'm aro. Did I do the right thing?


homonoromo17
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So I discovered aromanticism not even a week ago. Before I was horribly uneducated and thought it was only tied to asexuality. The concept of romantic and sexual orientation being separated went completely over my head. Then I stumbled upon a Tumblr post explaining it and was surprised to find out it describes me quite well. The more I dug into it the more sure I was. All these years when I didn't get the sentiment of romantic relationship, when I didn't even desire a relationship like that and rather unjokingly wished to be single forever, never understanding why people get depressed over break ups and being single since break ups were relieving for me and being single was the best thing ever. I found out there were people like me! Finally someone who understood and didn't think it was sad or weird! 

I have never found any label that resonated with me better than this one and I felt overwhelming happiness that I'm not alone! Since then I spend almost every minute on the internet, reading forums, looking at memes, tiktoks, videos, discussions and I feel so...normal now. The only issue those few days ago was that I had a girlfriend.

Today I finally got myself to come out to her as aromantic (after I was supported by my sister and kinda supported by my best friend who actually thinks I just haven't met the right girl yet, but she never liked my gf so she supported me in her own way) and we broke up. She knew for some time that something was wrong so I guess she kinda expected it, but I could hear in her voice that she was probably going to cry. She barely said anything and didn't really want to talk at all so we hung up. (yes, through a phone, long distance relationship) I felt so bad for hurting her feelings. She was always more comitted to the relationship than me and initiated all the romantic stuff, casually mentioning she loves me time to time. I rarely did that, it felt disgenuine and general couple stuff was either awkward or uncomfortable for me. We dated for about 4 months and went on a couple of dates. I already knew that I didn't feel the same as her, I never did, but I thought that it's just that I have to get used to it. Finding out I'm aro opened my eyes and made me look back at my life. Suddenly everything was so damn clear. And while I did feel bad for hurting her, at the same time I felt relief for letting her go and embracing who I am. 

I'm aromantic. I don't think I've ever been more sure about anything. I'm definitely somewhere on the spectrum, maybe demi, but I honestly feel the most comfortable with aro. My question is...

Did I do the right thing when I broke up with my girlfriend? Should I have waited a little longer to see if the relationship was going anywhere? I see aromanticism through my entire short 17 years long life despite being properly introduced to the term just 5 days ago, but can I still be sure? 

I'll be happy for any reply, I love all of you people so much! You helped me a lot already without even knowing...

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I had a very similar experience with I guy I dated. The thing is we broke up before I figured out I was aro. From the sounds of it,  you were just tagging along in the relationship. If you didn't feel like the relationship was going to go anywhere you did the right thing. It would not be fair to your ex -girlfriend to drag out a relationship that would never work. I know this sounds cheesy, but being true to yourself is the best thing that you do right now. I'm glad you found a community and label you like. Hope this helps! :)))))

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5 minutes ago, PerkyWombat said:

I had a very similar experience with I guy I dated. The thing is we broke up before I figured out I was aro. From the sounds of it,  you were just tagging along in the relationship. If you didn't feel like the relationship was going to go anywhere you did the right thing. It would not be fair to your ex -girlfriend to drag out a relationship that would never work. I know this sounds cheesy, but being true to yourself is the best thing that you do right now. I'm glad you found a community and label you like. Hope this helps! :)))))

Thank you so much, I needed that. I'm so happy to finally be able to interact with a fellow aro! I only know one ace, maybe if I knew an aro before as well I could've realized sooner and avoid the relationship alltogether. But too late for "ifs" I guess. Thanks for the reply, I love hanging around here ❤️

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@homonoromo17

You've mentioned that you feel bad for hurting your ex-girlfriend, and in the short run, you may have. However, in the long run, I think you actually helped her. Think of it this way: You were a stepping stone for her on her way to finding her forever someone, and now, she's free to explore once again. While in your relationship, I'm sure you both learned things about yourselves.

To answer your question directly, yes, I think you did the right thing breaking up with your girlfriend, and no, I don't think you needed to wait a little longer to see if the relationship was going anywhere. From your post, it sounds like you had already been in the relationship long enough to figure out it wasn't going anywhere. "Waiting a little longer" is a human reaction to many life circumstances, I think. I've noticed it in my own life (though not with romantic relationships, as I've never been in one). 

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I  agree with the others, you made the right call.

Lets put it this way, if you waited and it didn't change, you became more comfortable in your aromanticism. If you were in her position would you rather you were told now or if you found out maybe months later. I think most people would prefer to find out sooner. 

And maybe it would have worked out, or gone somewhere. I don't know you well enough to rule that out.

  but this phrase

23 hours ago, homonoromo17 said:

I thought that it's just that I have to get used to it

that really isn't a healthy bedrock for any sort of relationship, and given you say she knew for a while that something was wrong I think calling it a day was the sensible option.

It certainly wouldn't work out if you had 'just waited'. just waiting doesn't make issues go away, you would have needed to bring up your aromanticism anyway, either in name or explaining how you feel and working out how you would each work with that in a relationship. Otherwise she just gets more and more frustrated by the fact that something is clearly wrong and you know but won't say.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm in a bit of a similar situation now and I think you did the right thing. She should be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about her as she does about them, and you shouldn't be in a relationship that you weren't happy in. It's better sometimes to just rip the bandaid off. 

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