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How to know if im (platonically) fetishizing (?) trans guys.

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Posted (edited)

CW: transphobia

hi people!!

I wanted to post because I realized like 10 minutes ago that I might be platonically attracted to my best friend, and then i realized that he's the third person I've had a squish on, and also the third trans guy. My squishes have all been trans guys. I want to ask about this bc I'm worried that it is transphobic of me. I'm exclusively attracted to men, but I only have had romantic/sexual crushes on cis guys and I've had entirely platonic crushes on the three trans guys I've known well. (One was a close friend at my summer camp, another was an acquaintance at school, and this current guy is my best friend at school.) So basically, I only ever get squishes on trans guys, and only ever get sexual/romantic crushes on cis guys.

I'm speculating that maybe i don't see trans men fully as men (hella transphobic!) so I never see them as potential sexual/romantic partners the way I see cis men. Also worried that I'm viewing them as people i wanna be platonically close to because i view them as gay-best-friends/platonic girlfriends (ugh i'm so sorry for saying this). People who aren't gonna be attracted to me, even if they do like girls, and who i thus can feel comfortable around. Which, again, is fucking transphobic, bc i'm not seeing them the way i see cis guys (which is usually with a lotta nervousness, bc i view them as people i could date. Except for cis gay guys. I feel comfy around them). 

Ik this is confusing and i'm not even conscious or in-control of a lot of it, so it makes sense that others might not be able to help much, but I'm wondering how I can tell if this is a prejudice and how others might suggest I work on this. I obviously need to evaluate how I see trans guys n stuff, but i'm not exactly sure how. Anyway, thank you! Have a lovely day!

Edited by hermi1e
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Posted (edited)

Well, you can't really help who you get attracted to. It might be some unconscious prejudice that causes it though, but that doesn't really change the fact you have no sexual or romantic desire for them. And I definitely don't think you're fetishizing them. 

It could also be that those particular 3 trans guys just felt more like friends to you. 

Edited by SurrealEntity
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I don't really know if it's transphobic tbh? If it is because the things that you said (not seeimg them fully as men and therefore not seeimg them as potential partners) then yes, absolutely, but it could also be that these particular men are just not your type? 

It can be really hard to leave the transphobic point of view we usually grow up with and hold trans people to the same level and expectations as cis people (I am agender and I struggle with this quite a lot). Smth I do is imagine scenarios of the thing that I have trouble processing and I imagine a cis person doing it, and then I imagine a trans person doing it and I tell my brain that there's no difference. 

Obviously that's an oversimplification: there IS a difference between trans and cis people, as they would have different experiences and would be prone to doing different things, but that's how it is with everyone, so really it's not that big of a deal if it happens to be a trans person. Of course, in a sexual situation the difference would take a major rol, I think, so I cannot really help you there. But maybe if little by little you start holding trans men to the same standards as cis men (not only in romantic or sexual scenarios, but in everyday life), a change could be made. 

Also, it's absolutely okay if you never get a crush on a trans man, you can't really choose the ways of the heart, after all (I've learnt that the hard way lol). In any way, it is really cool of you to ask this and actively try to make yourself a better person, I wish you luck in your dilemma! 💛 

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This is a question I've been mulling over for myself. (though not exactly the same details).

I've come to the conclusion it's not that I secretly think "trans men aren't men" or afab enbies are "women-light."
I think it's that I have a level of comfort and comradery with fellow AFABs, and a level of learned anxiety and distrust towards those raised in toxic masculinity.

Another theory I have is that the few people I've felt some form of attraction to are those who shake up gender expression expectations (whether that's crossing the binary or just being unique within their gender norms). I think this is more about how they are speaking out against the gender norms that trap me (even before I realized I'm agender) or have potential to be a solid friend due to this rebelliousness/confidence and it's not specifically about their gender. 

((Also just want to throw it in there that having phobic assumptions doesn't make us "bad". It's part of being human and it's important to process them so we don't unintentially harm others.)) For example, I've realized I need to shake my stereotype that transmen are "adorable tea-drinking city-dwellers." The problem is I watch one youtuber transguy so much, that it's overriding my logical knowledge that transmen are as diverse as everyone else. ((But that's on me and not the youtuber))

I find this raises interesting questions -- does the "problematicness" of attraction to a gender/assigned-sex combo lessen if it's not romantic/sexual attraction which can be linked to power-dynamics / claiming / entitlement, whereas platonic/aesthetic/other attractions don't have a negative connotation. Is is possible to feel attraction to specific gender/assigned-sex combos in a non-problematic way? Does your own gender/assigned-sex combo play into if it's problematic or not? 

Being asexual/aromantic, I have been wondering how current-genitalia/assigned-sex play into gendered attraction, but now I'm really getting off topic. 


Edited by CharCharChar
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