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punknoya

One-sided romantic love

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Is it wrong of me to want to be loved romantically by someone, and want to be in a romantic relationship and do romance coded things in it, even though I know I probably won’t  fully reciprocate the exact same feelings???
 

I know I could have love for someone deeply in other (not exactly “romantic”) ways but I know it won’t be what they’re expecting. It’s not quite one-sided, I’d still try to be there in all the ways that couples are (though I might not be able to do every little relationship detail), but I still probably won’t be matching their exact emotions. I feel kinda bad that I’d be okay with that. Of course, I’d tell them about my aro-ness and all that but still. 
 

Is it selfish to want/do that? I feel like it would be cruel to let someone love you like that when you know you can’t love them back the same

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Posted (edited)

I think that sadly alloro people don't always worry that much about reciprocating exactly their partner's feelings. If you care about that, you probably qualify for a try in a relationship.

Now it depends the most on your partner. It's better to be honnest with them from the start. Some may want to have exact reciprocation or feel unloved. Some may like somebody who complements them and offer their own kind of love.

Edited by Ch0c0
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I don't think it is selfish as long as you explain that to your partner from the start.

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To be selfish is to lack consideration for other people

so I reckon it is clear you are not selfish. you clearly are caring of what this hypothetical other person would want, and worry about how they feel, and talk about feeling bad for how you would treat them. That is very much not selfish.

Also since you say you would tell them about your aro-ness I don't think you would be cruel just because you can't love them back in the same way. They have been made aware of what they are getting into, and of course have the ability to back out if they decide it is not for them. I don't think that would be considered cruel.

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There is no such thing as 2 people who have the exact same feelings for each other. If you are in a romantic relationship, doing romantic coded things with someone you love, then you are no different from thousands of other people in romantic relationships with partners who experience or express their love differently from their partner. This is why concepts such as attachment styles and love languages exists, to help couples navigate relationships with people who are inevitably different from them.

All you can do is express your feelings and intentions as clearly as possible, and then respect the other persons ability to make their own choices on whether what you are offering is what they want.

 

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Action is what matters, not the feelings. If you treat them well it's fine.

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