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CloudlegtheVolcano

Do you ever wish you were allo?

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Posted (edited)

Sorry if this is really long, I just don’t have anyone to talk to about it and wanted to get it off my chest. (Also sorry if there are other posts similar to this, I haven’t seen any).


I’m mostly proud to be aromantic, but sometimes I do wish I wasn’t. I’m definitely aro ace- I’m sex repulsed, exasperated with the amount of romance in media, and I’m excited about the idea of living alone with two dogs. But sometimes I can’t help feeling like I’m missing something important. I find myself hoping maybe I’m demi, or a late bloomer. I hate the idea that “romance makes us human” or “you need a partner to have a fulfilled life” because that’s not true. But I know that for most allos (from what I’ve seen, I don’t mean to generalize) their partner comes above everyone else. Adults don’t really have best friends, because your significant other is supposed to be your best friend, right? So I know that as my close friends find partners (and have kids) I will become less important in their lives. It’s frustrating and hurtful to think that friendship just isn’t good enough for allos (again, don’t mean to generalize, that’s just how it often feels) and as an adult, I will be nobody’s number one.

Besides the potential loneliness, I’ve seen a lot of girls on Instagram I find really pretty. I just like to look at them, and I‘m not sure if I find them attractive or if I just want to look like them. I find myself looking at attractive girls and wishing I could feel something, hoping for what it seems like I’m missing out on. I shouldn’t feel this way, I should just be proud of my sexuality/romantic orientation and roll with it. I feel like I spend half my time wishing I wasn’t aro and the other half feeling like I’m not aro enough. 

Edited by CloudlegtheVolcano
Edited to add paragraph breaks
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Do I wish I were allo? No. Do I wish I had the privileges they do? Yes.

I wish I were accepted. I wish I were treated as human. I wish my relationships were seen as worthwhile. I wish I were seen as just as valuable as anyone else. I wish I were viewed as a complete adult. I wish I had financial stability. I wish I had cheaper insurance. But I do not want to be allo.

I've seen what romance gone wrong can do to people, and frankly, it's horrifying. I mean, god, have you SEEN the way allos talk about themselves when they're single? Their self-esteem is in the toilet, I have to work so hard to convince my friends that they're not ugly or worthless or unlovable just because nobody is dating them at a particular moment. Not to mention all the drama involved with romance, and the rushing into relationships that- more often than not- fail. And of course there's marriage, where if you want stability you better pray you and your partner can maintain a stable relationship, otherwise you have to go through all the bullshit involved with a divorce, or wind up chained to someone you can't stand until the day one of you fucking dies. Do I want any of that? Christ on a bike no I do not.

I don't want to be allo. I want to live in a society where people aren't made to feel like they need to be allo.

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2 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

mean, god, have you SEEN the way allos talk about themselves when they're single?

You’re absolutely right, I hate when people do that. It’s pathetic, to be honest, and I hope that even if I were allo I wouldn’t be so dependent.

 

4 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I don't want to be allo. I want to live in a society where people aren't made to feel like they need to be allo.

This is also a really good point, thank you.

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ahaha I feel you on this one. Yeah, sometimes when I'm my most loneliest and insecure I wish I was also. It's hard to accept that I have to be the one that fully provides my own self-confidence and self-esteem. I think that responsibility is expected out of everyone, but Aros don't always have the privilege of sharing that burden with others. Idk if that made sense, or if that's just my insecurities speaking. It's hard to feel comfortable with "Am I enough for myself? Bc it sure doesn't feel like it." But yeah, I understand what you mean. 

 

Maybe one day we'll stop feeling like that though??

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17 hours ago, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

as an adult, I will be nobody’s number one.

I honestly don't believe this. Times have changed so much, and with the ever-growing voices of those of us who don't conform to the "fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house" aspirations that have been standard for decades, friends are becoming more and more important. People, particularly millennials and those younger than them, are staying unmarried for longer, thinking more maturely and seriously about the relationships they do form, facing economic problems that make having kids and getting a house much bigger obstacles than they used to be, and realizing the value in basic friendship and support for one another with no romantic or official strings attached. I think that's wonderful. 

And I believe that if you carry yourself as someone who values friends over romantic relationships, you'll attract like-minded people who see the value in your friendship, and in the love that you share. I have a few close good friends, and I've stayed friends with them through some relationships. I still offer them love and support, and they offer me the same. It doesn't really matter to me if they find romantic partners, because I'm not vying to be "number one" in their lives (and I could go into a multi-paragraph tangent on that but I'll just leave it at that for now.) I just want to be able to show and give them love when they need it, because I care about them. 

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On 8/9/2020 at 10:52 PM, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

But I know that for most allos (from what I’ve seen, I don’t mean to generalize) their partner comes above everyone else. Adults don’t really have best friends, because your significant other is supposed to be your best friend, right? So I know that as my close friends find partners (and have kids) I will become less important in their lives. It’s frustrating and hurtful to think that friendship just isn’t good enough for allos (again, don’t mean to generalize, that’s just how it often feels) and as an adult, I will be nobody’s number one.

Ooooof I feel this one so much. It's unsettling to think about someone being more important to you than you are to them. Personally I don't feel like I need to be anyone's number one, but if the people around me feel like they do, it makes me feel like I don't have a place. And yeah you're making a generalization, but society is one big imposing generalization and it can be hard to escape. Sometimes it causes your own mind to betray you and you start wanting things you don't actually need. 

8 hours ago, Queasy_Attention said:

I honestly don't believe this. Times have changed so much, and with the ever-growing voices of those of us who don't conform to the "fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house" aspirations that have been standard for decades, friends are becoming more and more important. People, particularly millennials and those younger than them, are staying unmarried for longer, thinking more maturely and seriously about the relationships they do form, facing economic problems that make having kids and getting a house much bigger obstacles than they used to be, and realizing the value in basic friendship and support for one another with no romantic or official strings attached. I think that's wonderful. 

And I believe that if you carry yourself as someone who values friends over romantic relationships, you'll attract like-minded people who see the value in your friendship, and in the love that you share. I have a few close good friends, and I've stayed friends with them through some relationships. I still offer them love and support, and they offer me the same. It doesn't really matter to me if they find romantic partners, because I'm not vying to be "number one" in their lives (and I could go into a multi-paragraph tangent on that but I'll just leave it at that for now.) I just want to be able to show and give them love when they need it, because I care about them. 

I like this idea a lot. Even if you can't find people who aren't as concerned with finding partners, you can be the person who demonstrates the importance of strong and stable friendships, and that might get others to follow. Because at the end of the day it really is unhealthy for *anyone* to idealize building their entire life around just one person. Also, in my circle of friends, I so often hear things like, "screw the nuclear family, let's start a queer commune!" lol

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7 minutes ago, treepod said:

"screw the nuclear family, let's start a queer commune!"

put that on a T-shirt lol

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Posted (edited)

Despite arophobia and amatonormativity...nah. Maybe because it's a part of me, and i am okay with that. I simply do not care about romance.

 

It's hard to think about "what ifs" because you can technically imaginate what you want and you can't predict what would happen. If i had a switch that suddently made me allo though? 

No.

All i would wish for is having enough money to live a comfortable life, and that i was respected as an aro person.

 

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On 8/9/2020 at 10:52 PM, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

But I know that for most allos (from what I’ve seen, I don’t mean to generalize) their partner comes above everyone else. Adults don’t really have best friends, because your significant other is supposed to be your best friend, right? So I know that as my close friends find partners (and have kids) I will become less important in their lives. It’s frustrating and hurtful to think that friendship just isn’t good enough for allos (again, don’t mean to generalize, that’s just how it often feels) and as an adult, I will be nobody’s number one.

yeah i have that fear and i've expressed it to my best friend, as well as my logical belief that she won't actually love me less.  and i wish it were easier to find the kinds of relationships i want without worrying about the others being romantically attracted to me/having my romance repulsion triggered or whatever.  but i don't wish i experienced romantic attraction.  i used to wonder, you know, what it would be like, but you could wonder about all kinds of ways things could be different.  being aro is who i am and i like it.

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I don't think so. Yes, sometimes I think it would be either to be hetero. In particular for someone like me who wants kids. But would I change my aroness if I could? I don't think so. Or for one day, for curiosity.

I just don't see what romance would bring in my life. Am I missing something? Maybe. But I am not lacking something. (ok, don't know if in English this distinction works as it does in my head). It's like, I don't know, someone who doesn't like chocolate : this person would miss something that I think is amazing, but if this person hates the taste of chocolate, what does he misses except discomfort? He doesn't need chocolate to be happy. Same with romance : a lot of people love it and look for it, but it doesn't mean it is inherently good or necessary to have a meaningful life. As I said, I don't see what romance would bring to my life. If I didn't know it exists, the idea of looking for it must have never crosses my mind. I have other things that I care about.

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Sometimes I used to, but now no.

I hate the conversations with family asking me when I will get a girlfriend (I can brush them off but I hate the effort). 

I hate the fact that it took a long  while for me to accept that to want sex without the attachment of romance did not make me an automatically terrible person

I hate the amount of people I drifted from at school because I was uncomfortable with them pressuring me to find love or insulting me for not seeming phased by it

but with so many dice to roll I was bound to have a few things about me that were different from the norm. Being aro is not that much of a problem now I am an adult and has started to become a part of me. 

I think the idea of wishing I were allo seems to me to be wishing to replace me with a 'normal person', a more boring, robot like copy of me

 

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I really love the idea of someone being madly in love with me, it feels incredibly good.  It's the sort of relationship I'd love to be in.  But it's not fair if I can't reciprocate the feeling, so, that sucks.  But I've never seen any phobia, harassment, hostility, pressure or lack of privilege from my sexuality so that much hasn't impacted me.  No one seems to care, at all, about who I am with or not with. 
Being in love is, alternatively, the most wonderful, or the most painful experience for allos.  When it works, it's better than anything else on the Earth and when it hurts it apparently feels like dying.  It's why all so much music is about love, it's that wonderful and powerful.  I want that, a passion that beats every other passion by far.  I don't have anywhere near that level of joy and passion as it stands.  

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No I don't wish I was alloromantic. I like being aro and I am proud of my identity.

Being allo seems like a pain in the ass and leads to a lot of heart ache. To be fair, there are instances where romantic love works out, but even that seems like a lot of work and a hassle. I felt so much better knowing that I did not need to deal with any of that once I figured out that I was aro and realized that it wasn't in the cards for me. 

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On 8/10/2020 at 5:01 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I don't want to be allo. I want to live in a society where people aren't made to feel like they need to be allo.

A great way to put it.

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