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stas

Allos' assumptions

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It's not big of a problem for me, but I wanted to know if anyone else had experienced similar feelings.

I'm extremely sensual with my friends and with peolpe I like in general. I have an urge to caress their shoulders and back, to touch their arms and generallly to be really close to them. It usually goes pretty well, because I ask them if they're okay with it, often it's even mutual. The thing is that when I show affection in this way in front of other people or in public places (which isn't a problem itself, it's considered normal here) I start feeling a bit stressed, because I'm afraid that they wll mistake us for a couple. I never do anything about it, it doesn't affect me or my friends, it's just this annoying anxiety, which says that I can't even touch people I like or everyone else will immediately think I have a crush on them/we're dating. It just exists.

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Posted (edited)

No no, you're right. Touching , most of the time, has a romantic (or even sexual in some case, despite it not being sexual at all) connotation.

I feel like gender roles can have an influence in how much peoples will car about it too 🤔. Not all contact get you a stare (unless someone has a fixation idk), but "sensuality" (as i understand it) , is very much percieved as romantic i feel.

 

Edited by Leton.
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oh big same. i love being touchy feely with friends, but that's a huge anxiety point. especially as someone who's AFAB and not at all out as n-b, i'm anxious to do that with male/more masculine presenting friends, because of heteronormativity. 

it's good you have an understanding with your friends at least! but yes, i feel you big time on that whole. pressure? anxiety? whatever it should be called

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Posted (edited)
Just now, nisse said:

oh big same. i love being touchy feely with friends, but that's a huge anxiety point. especially as someone who's AFAB and not at all out as n-b, i'm anxious to do that with male/more masculine presenting friends, because of heteronormativity. 

Yes! I'm AFAB too and heteronormativity is a new anxiety point in expressing affection with my frinds, who are mostly male. It applies also to the way I talk about them - I just can't say that I like them, respect them and find them cool, because it will be read as me having a crush on them. It is the new level of annoying!

Edited by stas
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@stas heteronormativity strikes again!! it sucks big time, bc it's not like anyone says out loud that i seem really flirty, but i'm SUPER anxious that i come across as such, and i just wanna hug 'em! love a good hug, me. i've just come to a point where i can say "i love you" and it will be taken purely platonically with a male friend, bc we're very much each other's ~ queer friends ~ , which feels super nice. bleh. 

heteronormativity PLUS a big dose of amatonormativity makes for one anxious aromantic huh

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, nisse said:

heteronormativity PLUS a big dose of amatonormativity makes for one anxious aromantic huh

You can say that again lol

--

I am in a weird place of being both touch repulsed and starved, and it dont help. (with a lot of other factors of course. I am not a very social person )

Edited by Leton.
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I've felt the same, but with current fwb we went together with his fiancee out a few times. The fact that we can mess up with other people's heads when they see him kiss me and then see him kiss her it's just too much fun not to do it so now I feel much less stressed. Though I really don't want anyone to think we're romantic when it's just the two of us so I won't let him hold me hand in public, which for him is not romantic at all.

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Yes! Except I've had this problem with friends as well. Once I was sitting with my friend at McDonald's and I'm just sort of leaning on him when he goes "Are you trying to kiss me?" 
It was really uncomfortable for several reasons and so unnecessary. I am sorry, I shall never get within 2 feet of you again, lest you believe I'm trying to shove my tongue in your mouth. 

I also feel like these assumptions don't stop with physical affection. You can't even smile at someone or laugh at their jokes without being teased for being in love. Like do all allos just hate their friends? Do they never smile at their phones when they get a text from someone they're not crushing on?
It's absurd. 

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